"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Cloud Busting]

So I have a recovery diary in this here subforum. Go check it out if you want personal updates. Decided it's easier to have a space for that and then I can be more personable and less self centered here.

I am feeling much better. Much better. Glad to hear from you guys.

It's been a few days and a lot has happened since - many tears have been shed lol and unfortunately still feeling quite lost and scared. Update is long because I want to vent about my university's awful response so you can just skip to the last paragraph.


On the Monday evening, I went to A&E, spent ~20hrs at the hospital and was assessed by the mental health crisis team. Was quite daunting having to do this all alone and explain why I was suicidal. I talked about the anniversary of sexual assault just passing which I said for the first time in my life and I realised that it was probably the most significant factor. I also confessed everything to my flatmate since she was worried that I didn't come home that night.

The hospital contacted my university and my GP and I've been referred to 2 different therapies. I had to explain the suicide attempts to my university's student support team and some reasons behind it (e.g. the SA) on a phone call in PUBLIC on Wednesday. Because of my suicide attempts, I'm "high-risk" to my uni and they said it was protocol to contact my family. I had to plead with them to not contact my parents, explaining that I am very fearful of their response and my safety may be at risk as I could be disowned. I agreed they could call my sibling but wanted to compromise on them holding off for at least a day as it had not been even 24hrs since I was discharged from hospital and wanted to decompress. The caller also couldn't be bothered to look up my basic information like what my department is, who my personal tutor is and my GP.

My very compassionate university (sarcasm) refused and emailed my sibling after our call ended, before I could plan out what to say. My university also ended up leaving a voicemail for my parents anyway telling them about my attempts because I unfortunately missed a second call with my uni on Friday (they did not give me a time). My university emailed me that they left the voicemail 30 mins after I missed the call and said "It's not about getting into trouble" and it's about keeping me safe. I know it's their protocol but I just feel very upset that no one wanted to listen to me and honestly, this makes me want to engage with the student support team less. When I spoke with the hospital team and my GP I felt they were so much more compassionate.

Luckily my sibling has been very empathetic and waited for me to explain everything (I left out the exams part) but they're not in the UK atm so they couldn't do much besides letting our other sibling know that I wasn't doing well. I haven't returned any of my parents' calls but I texted that other sibling (who I'm less close with) that I'm okay, I don't want to call but I'll still be coming back home in 2 days (this was planned a while ago) and we can talk then.


I've been very stressed with trying to plan what to explain to my parents regarding the suicide attempts and I'm scared of what their response will be. I don't think I'll mention the 'missing my exams' part since I want to prioritise my safety. I'm also waiting to schedule a meeting with my university department to discuss my situation and any possible options since I just disappeared on them for weeks. I think I'll still be kicked out anyways but I was told by my GP it's worth a shot. Not sure what I need but any encouragement and advice is always welcome...
(Also hoping that I don't become homeless )



I'm definitely not built for school especially because of my ADHD and that was a big contributor to my depression and suicide attempts despite having good grades (but I attribute this to being a perfectionist and last-minute cramming). But if I didn't pursue this field (which requires a degree), I'm not sure what else I want to do since I'm not particularly passionate about anything. I also keep comparing myself to peers that have graduated and that fuels the negative emotions and the depression cycle

I'm sorry if you've mentioned it before on this thread but may I ask what happened after you left university and if you're working currently?


Yepppp tell me about it... Even though I love them a lot, I feel like I have been living my life for them and not for myself. It's gotten to the point where I don't really have ambitions or know what interests me anymore.
But thank you so much, it means a lot and I feel like I can be more honest and safe on here than speaking to people irl. Also wishing you good luck with your job applications!

@Cloud Busting
I think my response is quite similar to LRkin - I also prefer the dark because of my sensitive eyes. I think gentle light like moonlight and from a candle can be quite comforting. Also the warmth from a candle fire and the scent helps to ground me. But definitely cuddling my plushies has been helping me get through these tough times currently haha.

How are you doing? I hope you're ok. You were under immense stress. Any updates, good or bad, im willing to listen, tho I sadly can't promise advice.

@farkukon if you at any point feel like venting or sharing what happened to have your support fall one swoop, go for it. People are non judgmental here. Toxic positivity isn't drenched here it's so raw and real I like it.

Getting offline. Cuz my life is a wreck. How is using screens less going @StarsAbove i so far fail. But I did better today. Thanks for the support you and @LRkin both cuz I feel ashamed the struggles feel like my fault cuz I didn't play by the rules and do what I'm supposed to do I was destructive and I'm now paying da price

Yet many here played by the rules and feel they're paying a price. Grass is always greener…

I remember usagidrop saying this life sucks for all of us. Jobs seems to be the killer. Money. Ugh. I hope she is well wherever she is, what a kind soul, her words got me thru

If only we could fly….

Off to being an adult. Guess I did get personal. Whoops. But not in specifics so haaaaaa

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Quick update. Yes of course. It passed. Turning point was HIIT gym class at lunchtime today. It seems like max effort intervals seem to be like the one thing that semi-reliably calms me both physically and mentally. But then how much can I just keep doing more and more activity. It can often be more exhausting staying in/trying to 'rest' than just forcing myself out the door to just go get the session done.

But before the class, I was doing weights (deadlift session) and my brain was still stuck grumpy and playing back all the snapshots of things pissing me off. I wasn't spiralling so much, but still whackamole where the same petty stuff just doesn't go away. Maybe I'll forget and ignore and zone out for a wee while but it'll come back. Its not resolved. Which is when I also get frustrated with myself. But even then during weights I was getting set on quitting my job being the best option if I'm getting so pissed off over petty politics. Except I have to remember everywhere is 'same same but different'. I've worked in public, private/corporate, charity, part time, seasonal/contract, full time, freelance, events, office, outdoors, retail, solo, team etc etc etc.

I came on my period today. So thats just another annoying 'well what you getting all upset for - of course you'll get funny due to hormones' explanation. Which might be valid, if it happened like clockwork every month. It doesn't. I've tried tracking this shit for years and years in the past and no patterns form whatsoever. Which makes me feel even more useless that in my late 30s I can't identify my own patterns or know myself. Just shut up and stop drawing attention to moments that do/will pass. Even if I know there's always that undercurrent there deep down, its not exploding out of me. So no need to mention it. Even less so when I can't put words nor patterns nor explanations. Other than 'oh yea fine I'm just sleep deprived or drunk or hungover or hormonal or ate shit or whatever other non perfect aspect of life I fucked up in the previous 24-48+ hours. My fault. My bad. Go away and fix my life choices before I can stand here pissing and moaning.

In response to a question before (sorry, I don't remember who asked and its a page back now). Creativity. Nope. I mean I can't say I've tried in any sort of guided way. But I've never been one for much creativity. I just get frustrated (like with words) if what I'm thinking doesn't seem to be coming out like I want/hope it would. Which then just adds another layer of spirals. Urgh.

In conclusion, shut up, zone out, don't think. Just fucking move. Keep moving (physically). This too shall pass so sort your shit out and stop dragging others into your stupid spirals. Go tire yourself out on a run or something. I don't even know, i just always end up with the same descriptors. Confusion. Frustration. Lost.

I'll maybe try keep my personal rants to my profile when I need them (prefer that to having a thread). And keep this to more two/multi-way interactions and discussions.