"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Cloud Busting]

So I'm still on page 57. LOL.

Why: poor time management. @NZkiwi called the ADHD. Ahaha. I see all these perfectionists on here with these dedicated goals and dreams and loyalty to their jobs with routines they get settled into. meanwhile I'm an unemployed loser who is flaky and sucks at follow through. Both have their pros and cons, and their own struggles. I live a chaotic life. A good representation:




Speaking of, hey kiwi, wanted you to know it's been so useful and interesting to watch you document your recovery journey in real time. It's such a vulnerable thing to do. What you suggested to @ConfusedClouds sounds a lot like opposite action in DBT, ever hear of it? And what you're doing with changing suicide thoughts is very cbt. Personally I like to treat myself with compassion and know I'm not a bad person I just have an unfilled need at the time. I love ride the wave for this purpose. Just throwing out an alternative. If replacing works keep at it but sometimes sitting with thoughts and remembering impermanence works better for me. You're working so hard. You're gonna have dips. It's natural and human. Happy you have a place where you can be honest and not feel like you have to preform recovery and/or being ok. Where you can be real yet supported for trying and failing and whatever else.

@StarsAbove I fell asleep thinking of lights! Lol. And well fireflies was on my mind glad you could claim them. However cat eyes in the dark is a great one! Never would have thought of that. Adding to list. I need to use screens less. Phone screens are an evil light but I do be an addict with too much free time ): the devil will find work for idle hands to do…

Oh did the Aztecs view the sun as a god? Such an interesting concept, sun Gods. Wonder what your thoughts are on that.


@LRkin you're not stupid I don't think anyone got the game. I'm very freestyle so a more specified prompt was in order so I went first. If you would have said you don't understand I'd of been happy to clear up but I get y ppl do be shy.

Oh you track moon phases? That is so cool. Tell me all about it. I keep intending to then never get around to it.

Yeah pollution makes me sad. Stargazing be harder and it's always been one of yours truly favorite pass times. Also what do you like about fires? Winter lampposts. Makes me think of cabins. Thomas Kincaid. Very cozy nice pick

Sorry for your work troubles. Working conditions and life/work balance and suicide… wonder if there is any correlations, causative or otherwise. Would be interesting if any studies existed. Take care of yourself. Sort yourself out. Rock and a hard place…. Big decisions… we will be here always.

Ugh I wish I could give you a loan and a bonus for your dream lol. What do you mean by things get worse when your dreams come true?

@Musiclover338 @CrowsFeather @jimmyjiggy80 @meuine @infinitanocte

When trapped in a dark abyss, the brightest of lights make you feel alight when you fear you may snap and break and self destruct and don't know how you can go on anymore. What are some lights you like? They can physical, conceptual, metaphorical, whatever! Examples:

Lampposts sunshine moonlight candlelight green cat eyes alone in a darkened room.

You don't have to play. And if you'd rather share personal updates or vent… feel free. Just thought a low effort game might be nice.

Haven't lost a post yet, lol. Thank you though and do take care of yourself.


I know it's fine for the most part to use "I" statements, just feels weird, lol. I love the name FYI.

Idk how to tag your username lol. Feel free to contribute to our light game LOL. Or ignore it. Or make a better game. Haaaa

See using we statements is what feels weird to me even though I'm starting to incorporate it. I wonder why you feel the opposite if you're willing to share?

And thank you! My handle is based off of the song by Kate Bush!


Ugh this was horrible long posting sux worth it tho to bring some light into what is otherwise a black vortex on the internet lol (I'm just clowning it ain't that serious wishing all lurkers and posters well, and I still love you even if you're not, recovery is for you only, never forget!)

 

[StarsAbove]

I need to use screens less. Phone screens are an evil light but I do be an addict with too much free time ): the devil will find work for idle hands to do…

I know what you mean. I look at a computer screen 8+ hours a day and then trade it for the phone screen right after. My brain is fried and crispy.

Oh did the Aztecs view the sun as a god? Such an interesting concept, sun Gods. Wonder what your thoughts are on that.

They worshipped sun deities. They thought if they stopped the human sacrifices, the world would end. I love learning about ancient civilizations or even just different cultures and their spiritual practices.

 

[LRkin]

Oh you track moon phases? That is so cool. Tell me all about it. I keep intending to then never get around to it.

Ever since my mom told me how to determine if the Moon waxing or waning, I started following it every time I could. There were times when I didn't track it, but recently I started to do it again. Especially after Persona.
It's rather easy (even if slightly counterintuitive at first). You just take a look and determine what it looks like. If it represents "D" — it is growing. If it looks like "C" — it is shrinking.
In Russian it's kinda easy. "Стареющая" (getting old) when it shrinks. "Растущая" (growing) when it grows.
Each cycle is 29.5 days long. Makes it easy to count. But lunar calendars do not really match with seasons, so that's why Julius Caesar had to switch from old roman calendar to the new one.

Also what do you like about fires? Winter lampposts.

Warmth. Fire is warm. Lightbulbs (old lightbulbs) are warm. I hate modern sterile lights. They just make me physically sick.

What do you mean by things get worse when your dreams come true?

Practical implementation of "Be careful what you wish for". There was a time when I mentioned (I don't remember if it was in this thread or not) that my dreams tend to work by "the Monkey paw" rules. Basically, I dream about something. I make it happen. But turns out that it was, best case scenario, not what I really wished for. But usually things just straight up go south.

 

[meuine]

Hi everyone, I'm 22F and in the uk.

I used to be on this site last year and was actively suicidal but I've since deleted my posts. After some failed attempts I decided to get help and fortunately, I was able to repeat my university year.

But it's been a very hard journey where things seemed to be looking better but I slowly started to decline these past few months. I've had several attempts recently and really thought I would ctb but I guess I forgot how scary and painful it was. I managed to message a close friend and they gave me the courage to try get help.

My current situation is at the worst it's ever been - I've missed my exams due to the attempts so I'm being kicked out of my uni (also means a lot of student debt along with no degree), my finances aren't great and I'm renting a flat in a very expensive city, the job market is already very bleak here and is even worse now that I have no degree/experience, and I will likely be disowned by my very traditional asian parents.

I'm very scared of what my future will be like because of my stupid decisions. I'll be calling 111 to get an urgent appointment with my GP and will try meet with my university's student support team soon. I'm trying to think of what to do in terms of job-hunting (if I should look in my city or look in my home town) and how to confess everything to my parents. I hope I could get some guidance and reassurance on the next steps and my official start to recovery?

It's been a few days and a lot has happened since - many tears have been shed lol and unfortunately still feeling quite lost and scared. Update is long because I want to vent about my university's awful response so you can just skip to the last paragraph.


On the Monday evening, I went to A&E, spent ~20hrs at the hospital and was assessed by the mental health crisis team. Was quite daunting having to do this all alone and explain why I was suicidal. I talked about the anniversary of sexual assault just passing which I said for the first time in my life and I realised that it was probably the most significant factor. I also confessed everything to my flatmate since she was worried that I didn't come home that night.

The hospital contacted my university and my GP and I've been referred to 2 different therapies. I had to explain the suicide attempts to my university's student support team and some reasons behind it (e.g. the SA) on a phone call in PUBLIC on Wednesday. Because of my suicide attempts, I'm "high-risk" to my uni and they said it was protocol to contact my family. I had to plead with them to not contact my parents, explaining that I am very fearful of their response and my safety may be at risk as I could be disowned. I agreed they could call my sibling but wanted to compromise on them holding off for at least a day as it had not been even 24hrs since I was discharged from hospital and wanted to decompress. The caller also couldn't be bothered to look up my basic information like what my department is, who my personal tutor is and my GP.

My very compassionate university (sarcasm) refused and emailed my sibling after our call ended, before I could plan out what to say. My university also ended up leaving a voicemail for my parents anyway telling them about my attempts because I unfortunately missed a second call with my uni on Friday (they did not give me a time). My university emailed me that they left the voicemail 30 mins after I missed the call and said "It's not about getting into trouble" and it's about keeping me safe. I know it's their protocol but I just feel very upset that no one wanted to listen to me and honestly, this makes me want to engage with the student support team less. When I spoke with the hospital team and my GP I felt they were so much more compassionate.

Luckily my sibling has been very empathetic and waited for me to explain everything (I left out the exams part) but they're not in the UK atm so they couldn't do much besides letting our other sibling know that I wasn't doing well. I haven't returned any of my parents' calls but I texted that other sibling (who I'm less close with) that I'm okay, I don't want to call but I'll still be coming back home in 2 days (this was planned a while ago) and we can talk then.


I've been very stressed with trying to plan what to explain to my parents regarding the suicide attempts and I'm scared of what their response will be. I don't think I'll mention the 'missing my exams' part since I want to prioritise my safety. I'm also waiting to schedule a meeting with my university department to discuss my situation and any possible options since I just disappeared on them for weeks. I think I'll still be kicked out anyways but I was told by my GP it's worth a shot. Not sure what I need but any encouragement and advice is always welcome...
(Also hoping that I don't become homeless )

im 10 years older than you and all i can say is, once i was done with school i got alot less depressed and suicidal, even tho i didnt graduate the pressure was off... Felt a big relief off my shoulders. Also i felt more emotional back then like it was harder to control.

I'm definitely not built for school especially because of my ADHD and that was a big contributor to my depression and suicide attempts despite having good grades (but I attribute this to being a perfectionist and last-minute cramming). But if I didn't pursue this field (which requires a degree), I'm not sure what else I want to do since I'm not particularly passionate about anything. I also keep comparing myself to peers that have graduated and that fuels the negative emotions and the depression cycle

I'm sorry if you've mentioned it before on this thread but may I ask what happened after you left university and if you're working currently?

Oooh. The whole "asian parents" thing is tough

We'll be glad to help and happy to see you here. Even though the thread is kinda slow, people here are really nice and supportive.

Yepppp tell me about it... Even though I love them a lot, I feel like I have been living my life for them and not for myself. It's gotten to the point where I don't really have ambitions or know what interests me anymore.
But thank you so much, it means a lot and I feel like I can be more honest and safe on here than speaking to people irl. Also wishing you good luck with your job applications!

@Cloud Busting
I think my response is quite similar to LRkin - I also prefer the dark because of my sensitive eyes. I think gentle light like moonlight and from a candle can be quite comforting. Also the warmth from a candle fire and the scent helps to ground me. But definitely cuddling my plushies has been helping me get through these tough times currently haha.

 

[never mind me]

It's been a few days and a lot has happened since - many tears have been shed lol and unfortunately still feeling quite lost and scared. Update is long because I want to vent about my university's awful response so you can just skip to the last paragraph.


On the Monday evening, I went to A&E, spent ~20hrs at the hospital and was assessed by the mental health crisis team. Was quite daunting having to do this all alone and explain why I was suicidal. I talked about the anniversary of sexual assault just passing which I said for the first time in my life and I realised that it was probably the most significant factor. I also confessed everything to my flatmate since she was worried that I didn't come home that night.

The hospital contacted my university and my GP and I've been referred to 2 different therapies. I had to explain the suicide attempts to my university's student support team and some reasons behind it (e.g. the SA) on a phone call in PUBLIC on Wednesday. Because of my suicide attempts, I'm "high-risk" to my uni and they said it was protocol to contact my family. I had to plead with them to not contact my parents, explaining that I am very fearful of their response and my safety may be at risk as I could be disowned. I agreed they could call my sibling but wanted to compromise on them holding off for at least a day as it had not been even 24hrs since I was discharged from hospital and wanted to decompress. The caller also couldn't be bothered to look up my basic information like what my department is, who my personal tutor is and my GP.

My very compassionate university (sarcasm) refused and emailed my sibling after our call ended, before I could plan out what to say. My university also ended up leaving a voicemail for my parents anyway telling them about my attempts because I unfortunately missed a second call with my uni on Friday (they did not give me a time). My university emailed me that they left the voicemail 30 mins after I missed the call and said "It's not about getting into trouble" and it's about keeping me safe. I know it's their protocol but I just feel very upset that no one wanted to listen to me and honestly, this makes me want to engage with the student support team less. When I spoke with the hospital team and my GP I felt they were so much more compassionate.

Luckily my sibling has been very empathetic and waited for me to explain everything (I left out the exams part) but they're not in the UK atm so they couldn't do much besides letting our other sibling know that I wasn't doing well. I haven't returned any of my parents' calls but I texted that other sibling (who I'm less close with) that I'm okay, I don't want to call but I'll still be coming back home in 2 days (this was planned a while ago) and we can talk then.


I've been very stressed with trying to plan what to explain to my parents regarding the suicide attempts and I'm scared of what their response will be. I don't think I'll mention the 'missing my exams' part since I want to prioritise my safety. I'm also waiting to schedule a meeting with my university department to discuss my situation and any possible options since I just disappeared on them for weeks. I think I'll still be kicked out anyways but I was told by my GP it's worth a shot. Not sure what I need but any encouragement and advice

I can't believe it is legal in the UK to inform someone's parents or siblings about their mental health problems or suicide attempts, if the person is of legal age. Where I live this would be punishable as a breach of confidentiality. It's crazy to think you are not safe to use health services even as an adult in the UK...
I'm sorry about what is happening to you, but I can't really give any advice. After all I didn't have much contact with my parents beyond the age of 16....

Things feel weird for me. My body continues to heal, but mentally I feel lost. I don't even know any more, if I want to travel again. Right now I just wish to live of unemployment benefits and be left in peace and get high. Probably I will do just that for a while, if possible . Unemployment benefits are limited to a few months anyway , so after that I have to get a job or use my savings to survive, but then it would really be better to travel again, and if it is just for lower costs of living. Because with the money I need for rent and health insurance alone in my country I can live decently elsewhere.

My boy-friend is back to drinking a lot, not that I'm surprised. I don't really want to break up with him, because that would cause me to be more socially isolated than I already am. So I guess I should just see him like one person that at least occasionally bothers to hang out with me, but nothing more.

I realized I regret a lot not trying to save an old friendship that lasted for 10 years, but ended with my until then best friend trying to tell my boy-friend that I don't really care for him and will probably just fuck someone else I find more attractive while she was under the influence of benzodiazepines. It all happened a long time ago, but thinking about it now it feels really stupid that I didn't bother to confront her and instead just ghosted her. Because up until this happened she had been a really good and loyal friend.
And at the time I was really upset that she didn't bother to apologize or tell my boy-friend that she told him lots of crap. But later on I learnt that apparently she had taken such a high dose of benzodiazepines that she didn't even remember what she did this day. And I also witnessed other normally decent people do really immoral things on benzodiazepines in the following years.

One other friend wrote me that he needs time for himself and has lots of stuff to do the next few weeks and therefore no time to see me, that causes me to be paranoid he wants to have nothing to do with me. Although I wouldn't really know what I have done to cause him to hold a grudge against me.

But I feel most people just don't like me at all or don't care for me. In theory I know that there have always been times when I had plenty of good friends and times that I had less friends. And that it is normal to some extent to ebb and flow. But I really struggle with it.

I am bored with my mind. I still have these urges to off myself , despite my health being pretty good again. I even took poppy tea a week ago and had a tiny bit of alcohol the other day without too much ill effect. So I decided I'm feeling good enough to take heroine again today^^

Actually taking the poppy tea a week ago happened, because I was so bored about my mind coming up with these urges to kill myself in spite of my health being much better than it was a couple of months ago. It seems such a waste of time, because knowing I didn't kill myself back then it seems so unrealistic I am going to do it now. And it seems also weird I have these urges now anyway, because compared to one year ago not so much has changed, at least not regardig my boy-friend and other friends. The situation was very similar, I simply wasn't bothered as much by it. Partly because I was so busy with work that during the week I didn't have much interest to meet people unless maybe for a climbing session at the gym.

I think I have another idea what I can do to feel better: Maybe I need to start reading weird stuff again. When I was younger (and generally felt less stable mentally) I often read lots of really dark stuff when I felt bad (like stories from people who survived the GULAG or torture or the concentration camps ot the Nazis) and it managed to distract me and feel more okish(however that worked). But the last few years I lost interest and only read historic novels or travel stories and I realized I miss reading about these fucked up things. I think being here on SaSu and watching people on watch people die who film their suicides is somewhat similar, but it's not quite the same. It also distracts me, but it has a tendency to leave me even more confused.

 

[NZkiwi]

I've had a rollercoaster of a week so soryr for the late replies
will share my own story soon, just got to orgnanse my own thought
hope everyone is ok
great to see this thread so active!

**

I feel sad, because a good friend of mine doesn't respond to a message since almost a week. This is not so unusual for her, I guess she is not so good at responding to messages and I don't meet her as often as I would like any more, because she seems to have other stuff on her mind and she is also chronically ill (MS). But it still makes me sad, but I feel like I really shouldn't be so disappointed, because she helped me (and reacted quickly) when I really needed it and she was also very supportive and even messaged me a lot (despite it being extremely untypical for her!) earlier this summer when I felt really bad and told her about my suicidal ideation.

I get that, it's like the "obligation" of they were good to me when I ahd it tough that I consider them a good friend but the mismatch in reply times make me think soetime the reverse isn't true

sounds like you're holding a lot of guilt
i've managed to cut my inner circle down to 2 best friends (+ 1 fiance), my childhood friend, 5 close friends (2 of which are shit at replying but were good for me when I needed it in their own way)

so yeah when those two don't reply quickly, i do feel a little sad cause I love all my mates

***
***

Feeling trapped in life just makes me feel a lot worse and then I just don't want to be even bothered with doing voice therapy exercices or anything that is meant to improve my life.

yeah i get this
feeling like you don't have an out

do you think the "solition" to being trapped is in your mind, or about your circumstances?

for me I think I externaise things so I "feel" trapped when life stagnates/i don't see a future
but the clinical psychologist/psychiatrist said therapy i need to engage in would be hard and dealling with my inner mind.... ugghhh i don't even know what that means


***

In my opinion, rambling shows the way a person's mind works. Even when it's incoherent, it shows said incoherency. It's your footprint of sorts.

this is beutiful
footseps of the mind =)
leave more footsepts @ConfusedClouds =)

So... Updates? No real updates. My job gets worse and worse and I am seriously considering leaving it for good, sending applications while I am still at work. Although, I feel a little bit lost. I want to make coffee. I told about it before. But this line of job will barely cover my monthly expenses. On the other hand, I can (I hope so) trade my current job for something with similar (or higher) paycheck but less depressing. And, technically, I will stay afloat.

similar theme here

do you think this is a mindset thing, or a extenal circumstance thing -- to be fixed ?

im not sure anymore with my own life

***

Monk Pepper (Agnus Castus

thank you for sharing
i've leared a new thing
i'm glad it's working for you =) keep us updated!

**

Hi everyone, I'm 22F and in the uk.

Welcome @meuine !

y

I'm very scared of what my future will be like because of my stupid decisions

yeah i understand that, it's common feeling
feelign shame/guilt of the imagined future you had wash away
and i didn't find it reassuring people saying "you're young" or "you're figure it out
like fuck man, it's hard and i'm trying and i'm still suffering

....

it does get better though once you're on the other side, I swear

**

My current situation is at the worst it's ever been - I've missed my exams due to the attempts so I'm being kicked out of my uni (also means a lot of student debt along with no degree), my finances aren't great and I'm renting a flat in a very expensive city, the job market is already very bleak here and is even worse now that I have no degree/experience, and I will likely be disowned by my very traditional asian parents.

sounds like you have a lot of external stuff happening and that makes it tough, im so sorry
asian parents can be tough, and i don't understand it
their happiness/sadness is tied to their version of success and it hurts when you don't fit their picture
i wish they were happy with the fact you're not an asshole, and surving

keen to hear your story and seems like @LRkin relates too
if you feel like sharing

**

@LRkin i do not understand why you are apologizing for being grumpy or unavailable! Dude this is a suicide board. It's to be expected. If I wanted sunshines and rainbows and people who are always available I

this made me laiugh lol xd
suicide board lmao


**

im 10 years older than you and all i can say is, once i was done with school i got alot less depressed and suicidal, even tho i didnt graduate the pressure was off... Felt a big relief off my shoulders. Also i felt more emotional back then like it was harder to control.

for me it was internship and post breakup, but the themse i guess is high stress right

**

Yeah, kinda. I know some of them (not on SaSu, but still). And yet again, most of people around me just... live. Like they can actually enjoy things, feel something, have goals and dreams and stuff. And it's just discouraging and makes me feel broken.

it took me a while but for the first time in a while i felt happy
and recognised it
not performing
happy
enjoying music
laughing, like genuinly laughing

maybe it does come in waves but colour in my life is returning

i hope it does for you in due course

**

What exactly? If we're talking about my diet, it is an attempt to hurt myself without showing obvious signs of it. Even more, people actively support it and see it as something good.

tbh as long as you're not cachetic idm
hope u r ok

**

I'm gonna save muh "long" post on Google Docs so it ain't gonna get destroyed like last time. And it's even better than the post before! So what was lost I think was whispered in the city then sent back to me (oh Lorde green light is an amazing song)

oh the fucking sucks sorry my dude

***

Sending and (light, I like candle light personally, what sorts of lights do you guys like? Let's think of like sun, halos, any little "light" in life you wanna let shine, those sensory experiences that make you wanna keep going.)

I like the light shining through the curtains when i sleep in, blue skies
i like the lights of my spedometer when i drive cars, the and glow of street lights on my steering wheel
i like the light when I'm charging my macbook lol haha

**

Sounds like a fairly good day. I hope your meds will work and make it easier for you to go on.

something is working and idk what it is this time

**

And starlight. Although, I don't usually see stars. Light pollution and stuff doesn't really help.

stars stars stars
@StarsAbove hehe
the stars look beuritful thought night vision gogles if you have ever tired

**

A good representation

eeek paramore!



**

opposite action in DBT

no this is new to me tahnk you for sharing it and your story

wanted you to know it's been so useful and interesting to watch you document your recovery journey in real time. It's such a vulnerable thing to do.

thank you, you are so kind
it's been helpful for me to organise my thoguths and bounce of other people to understand myself more
humans are much better than chatgpt (for now lol ) for this kind of thing

You're gonna have dips

i hate that i do and it's a winding path

@Musiclover338 @CrowsFeather @jimmyjiggy80 @meuine @infinitanocte

When trapped in a dark abyss, the brightest of lights make you feel alight when you fear you may snap and break and self destruct and don't know how you can go on anymore. What are some lights you like? They can physical, conceptual, metaphorical, whatever! Examples:

Lampposts sunshine moonlight candlelight green cat eyes alone in a darkened room.

You don't have to play. And if you'd rather share personal updates or vent… feel free. Just thought a low effort game might be nice.

thank you for atting and i'll do the same
@Musiclover338 @CrowsFeather @jimmyjiggy80 @meuine @infinitanocte

i think it's cool and low effor and you don't need to write essays like us haha to belong

***

They worshipped sun deities. They thought if they stopped the human sacrifices, the world would end. I love learning about ancient civilizations or even just different cultures and their spiritual practices.

alwys lovely reading ur posts
hope u r ok

**

talked about the anniversary of sexual assault just passing which I said for the first time in my life and I realised that it was probably the most significant factor

im so sorry
im so sorry
im so sorry </3

hope you're sleeping okay, no nightmares or flashback
feel free to share here if it's a safe space, or i hope you have something irl to discuss in a safe space
hope you feel safe now

he hospital contacted my university and my GP and I've been referred to 2 different therapies. I had to explain the suicide attempts to my university's student support team and some reasons behind it (e.g. the SA) on a phone call in PUBLIC on Wednesday. Because of my suicide attempts, I'm "high-risk" to my uni and they said it was protocol to contact my family. I had to plead with them to not contact my parents, explaining that I am very fearful of their response and my safety may be at risk as I could be disowned. I agreed they could call my sibling but wanted to compromise on them holding off for at least a day as it had not been even 24hrs since I was discharged from hospital and wanted to decompress. The caller also couldn't be bothered to look up my basic information like what my department is, who my personal tutor is and my GP.

My very compassionate university (sarcasm) refused and emailed my sibling after our call ended, before I could plan out what to say. My university also ended up leaving a voicemail for my parents anyway telling them about my attempts because I unfortunately missed a second call with my uni on Friday (they did not give me a time). My university emailed me that they left the voicemail 30 mins after I missed the call and said "It's not about getting into trouble" and it's about keeping me safe. I know it's their protocol but I just feel very upset that no one wanted to listen to me and honestly, this makes me want to engage with the student support team less. When I spoke with the hospital team and my GP I felt they were so much more compassionate.

it can be tough cause the university goes procedural/risk management/reputation management
you get treated like a number, a case to manager rather than the humanity behind what's going on
and similar parallals with how the hospital system treats you
hope you are ok/doing better now and can have a good therapeutic realtionships with your psychs etc <3

I think I'll still be kicked out anyways but I was told by my GP it's worth a shot. Not sure what I need but any encouragement and advice is always welcome...
(Also hoping that I don't become homeless )

oh im so sorry dear, sounds like you aer going through heaps
sending thoughts and prayers your way friend
***

It's gotten to the point where I don't really have ambitions or know what interests me anymor

sounds dumb but have you tried solo travel
really helped me out a lot

**

y

I can't believe it is legal in the UK to inform someone's parents or siblings about their mental health problems or suicide attempts, if the person is of legal age. Where I live this would be punishable as a breach of confidentiality. It's crazy to think you are not safe to use health services even as an adult in the UK...

yeah this sounds fucked up ngl i agree

**

My boy-friend is back to drinking a lot, not that I'm surprised. I don't really want to break up with him, because that would cause me to be more socially isolated than I already am. So I guess I should just see him like one person that at least occasionally bothers to hang out with me, but nothing more.

i'm sorry, sounds liek when it's good, it's good but also sounds like he's dealing with his own stuff


**

tendency to leave me even more confused.

yeah really weird mix of feeling and you don't know how to feel
sounds like you're going through a lot
is the sky still cloudy? or do you see some blue now?
i do for myself for the first time in a while

 

[UltraAlter]

@UltraAlter hey! You still in therapy? Still going well? I love your positivity it's so genuine. If you're not feeling positive that's ok, no one is positive all the time. Wishing you well.

I am! Fortnightly. Still going as well as it can :) it's definitely a safe place, which is always nice to have.
Thanks for checking in

How are you going?

 

[Cloud Busting]

I am! Fortnightly. Still going as well as it can :) it's definitely a safe place, which is always nice to have.
Thanks for checking in

How are you going?

Happy to hear that, sadly most therapist offices for me felt like interrogation rooms. I'm so happy telehealth is an option. I have more autonomy and freedom! I don't want to take offices away, but like idk I'm happy to see options like say nature or eco therapy popping up, to progress and diverse is good, ppl holding onto standard models is annoying, I'm sure they're good, but update are important. The more options the better.

I'm admittedly very bitter cuz I have institutional trauma and ppl saying i was in denial refused help cuz of my fear of the system… of institutionalized stigma… institutionalized trauma needs more understanding and awareness

Yet I kinda get what you mean now… like honestly I don't like friends who always take my side I prefer the company of ppl who challenge me! And I guess I see a lot of therapists as very biased or poorly trained. I am very cynical. But yeah if you mean it's nice to hear from someone who will give it to you straight rather than white lie to spare you… I don't trust therapists not to do that either… but yeah that makes sense. I see why you mean now.

I also wasn't looking for a safe space. Or a sanctuary. Because nothing like that exists. Because the world is inherently chaotic and flawed… and I want someone who will know I'm strong enough to handle raw truths and reality backing me and hanging 4 the ride. And its tidal waves… they'll come back down with me.

I think we just have different needs and different goals and priorities for what we want in therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. Variety baby… we all different ^^

Glad you found what you're looking for. I have too.

Lights I really like… the northern lights! Shocked they're yet to be mentioned yet. Also light sabers! And glo sticks (:

 

[StarsAbove]

I've had a rollercoaster of a week so soryr for the late replies
will share my own story soon, just got to orgnanse my own thought
hope everyone is ok
great to see this thread so active!

Do tell us!

 

[LRkin]

My university also ended up leaving a voicemail for my parents anyway

That's fucked up. Was there any kind of written agreement or other document? I mean... Even if it wasn't written, breaking the agreement is still messed up. But the paper would make it oficial

I think I have another idea what I can do to feel better: Maybe I need to start reading weird stuff again.

Have you considered so-called "misery porn"? The genre of art centred around suffering. There are tons of games, anime and manga about it.

do you think this is a mindset thing, or a extenal circumstance thing -- to be fixed ?

I dunno. I don't really believe that a "mindset" is something real or important. The world doesn't care if we like it or not. It is what it is.

tbh as long as you're not cachetic idm
hope u r ok

Thanls. I am alive. Still not cachectic. Need to lose abot 60 lbs (30 kg) to get there. So I am somewhere in the middle of this journey. Already lost about 54 lbs since the beginning.

Lights I really like… the northern lights! Shocked they're yet to be mentioned yet.

Have you seen them in real life? Like, with your own eyes? I haven't. Wonder if it looks as fantastic as I imagine.

 

[UltraAlter]

Happy to hear that, sadly most therapist offices for me felt like interrogation rooms. I'm so happy telehealth is an option. I have more autonomy and freedom! I don't want to take offices away, but like idk I'm happy to see options like say nature or eco therapy popping up, to progress and diverse is good, ppl holding onto standard models is annoying, I'm sure they're good, but update are important. The more options the better.

I'm admittedly very bitter cuz I have institutional trauma and ppl saying i was in denial refused help cuz of my fear of the system… of institutionalized stigma… institutionalized trauma needs more understanding and awareness

Yet I kinda get what you mean now… like honestly I don't like friends who always take my side I prefer the company of ppl who challenge me! And I guess I see a lot of therapists as very biased or poorly trained. I am very cynical. But yeah if you mean it's nice to hear from someone who will give it to you straight rather than white lie to spare you… I don't trust therapists not to do that either… but yeah that makes sense. I see why you mean now.

I also wasn't looking for a safe space. Or a sanctuary. Because nothing like that exists. Because the world is inherently chaotic and flawed… and I want someone who will know I'm strong enough to handle raw truths and reality backing me and hanging 4 the ride. And its tidal waves… they'll come back down with me.

I think we just have different needs and different goals and priorities for what we want in therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. Variety baby… we all different ^^

Glad you found what you're looking for. I have too.

Lights I really like… the northern lights! Shocked they're yet to be mentioned yet. Also light sabers! And glo sticks (:

I was very much the same for so long. After many terrible therapists I honestly thought it was so useless. It wasn't until I did DBT (where I found my current therapist) that I felt it could actually be helpful. You're completely right in that everyone has their own needs. I feel like there shouldn't be a "blanket version" therapy where every client treated the same way, instead of individual needs, and I feel like that's how most therapist go about it and that's why they don't work… if that makes sense?

Specialist sort of options, like nature therapy as you mentioned, is great. It really just depends on what you personally need. Be it location, or focus, or whatever it may be. For me DBT was perfect as is specifically designed to treat bpd, which I have, and it helped me grow immensely. That's why I continued to see my therapist from there privately when I completed it. He knew more about how to sort out my specific issues.

I'm so glad you found an option that works well for you

Mannnn I also love lights! There's truely nothing nicer than a dark space with some lit up colour. I have strip lights all around my pc set up, and every part of the set up has some form of lights filling it. So pretty. My car also has interior mood lighting which I adore. Lights are the best… not sure if that's on topic.. I've skimmed the rest of the comments and noticed mentions of lights

 

[never mind me]

yeah i get this
feeling like you don't have an out

do you think the "solition" to being trapped is in your mind, or about your circumstances?

for me I think I externaise things so I "feel" trapped when life stagnates/i don't see a future
but the clinical psychologist/psychiatrist said therapy i need to engage in would be hard and dealling with my inner mind.... ugghhh i don't even know what that means

**

yeah really weird mix of feeling and you don't know how to feel
sounds like you're going through a lot
is the sky still cloudy? or do you see some blue now?
i do for myself for the first time in a while

I think it is both circumstances and not knowing what to do with the situation. Because I ended up in a rather unexpected situation even if objectively it is not too bad right now and I bet there are many people on this forum (and the world in general) who would love to swap places with me. I am back to the city I have lived before (despite wanting to move initially) after only doing 40 % of what I had planned to do when I went travelling. And then being too sick to do much at all in the beginning and having all this drama with my boy-friend. And now as my health problems are improving I still don't know what to do. Should I simply find a job again? But I don't really feel like being stuck here again for years when I could still travel in theory. Should I try to find a job somewhere closer to the mountains? I could try, but then I have to find a flat there which is super hard and will be so expensive that I have barely enough money, if I only work part-time and I am certainly not going to work full time. And I also don't know, if I will be able to find enough friends there to not feel even more alone than I feel now. Should I travel again? But if I do so for any lenght of time I would need to give up my appartment again and after all the stress of having no place to live during the summer I am really scared about this option. So no option looks particularly appealing. It feels like I only have the urge to kill myself now, because then at least I wouldn't need to choose either of these options, but could escape all of them. On top of everything else I start to get pressured to find work, because I am on unemployment benefits. That's really the last thing I need. But I guess I will just be a really dumb worker, if I need to be.

My mood changes all the time. Drugs generally improve my mood, but even without taking drugs I can feel convinced that the best would be to simply hang myself for half of the day and be quite happy the other half of the day.

Have you considered so-called "misery porn"? The genre of art centred around suffering. There are tons of games, anime and manga about it.

I had to look this up, but realized I have probably read a lot of this stuff already^^ After all gothic subculture was my first real home during my late teens... I started rereading "Spanish Testament" by Arthur Koestler and I still love it, despite having read it several times over the years.

 

[LRkin]

So... This sudden quiet is quite concerning
I hope each and every one of users in this thread is having a good (or at very least "not so bad") day/evening/night/morning.

Updates..?
...
...
No updates. Although I found myself less emotional than usual. I kinda... got that weird idea that nothing really matters, it doesn't have to matter, and the things are what they are. No more, no less. And at the same time they're not really what they are, but... it doesn't matter. It's complicated.
What matters (to me) is... I kinda started to accept it. It doesn't matter if I agree with it. It's just the way I see or feel stuff. But I can't demand from a tree to become a stone or whatnot, even if I'd love to have a stone instead.
Which leads me to the state of "don't care, don't matter, don't think" and... It's not particularly nice, but in comparison to my previous state it doesn't feel bad at all.
I think I'll give it a try. My stupid pipe dream, I mean. We live only once. It's not like I am really going to regret not trying, but I am curious to see how it unfolds. In any case I can always catch the bus.

I hope this state won't fade away as soon as I move to any real changes.

 

[Cloud Busting]

This sudden quiet @LRkin on my end is I'm going through a lot. You talk so badly about yourself, how you're abnormal. On paper, you probably look more functioning than me. Not to dismiss your struggle. More like, it's easy to get lost in a particular perspective… but globally, it's more variable than you think.

I was a druggie bordering on homelessness. My life is still in disarray. So I've been quiet cuz I just need to be on screens less. Feel you @StarsAbove on that

Getting sober is like just one step. Like I swear it's years of rebuilding. It's why many just say fuck it, street and jail and prison are easier. If I wasn't in love with my man, I'd be a street vagrant or dead. It's why I feel with you for your partners. To be lonely… it's the biggest killer

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I'm kinda meh. Autopilot/blank OR loads of random life things keeping me super busy and distracted bouncing from one thing to another - but its all kinda too small fry but moreso too niche/identifiable to start trying to get into the messy tangled contexts of. And afterall, its all either work related or 'extra-curricular' activity related, so how can I be pissing and moaning.
I've massively lost interest in scrolling here. The demographic is definitely back to a wave of younger and more frantic/impulsive, which I just feel selfishly pissed off by - not sad for or anything, unaffected. I still seem to have the habit to be logging in and checking notifications/DMs but there's not much I can add anywhere. I suspect I'll burn myself out into another crash at some point. But for now I guess don't allow myself to think, just keep bouncing on autopilot robot from one activity to the next and just fucking hope I don't get disrupted/broken and forced to stop. Thats not an option. Equally my brain totally shuts off/can't comprehend anything to do with 'future' beyond the coming days, maybe a few weeks max. Never have really. But atm it doesn't feel like I can't because 'I won't be here' more that its just some abstract concept thats irrelevant atm so not worth thinking about. (Sometimes its not planning because I can't see me living in a future, thats not necessarily a thought atm, but there also is defo not an option in my brain of planning anything).

Big hugs all round. Sorry for selfishly not engaging, just because I don't feel confident nor comfortable in trying to work with words

 

[Cloud Busting]

@ConfusedClouds

Not engaging isn't selfish. Honestly I engage selfishly cuz I feel guilty for making a goodbye thread. Honestly this thread is for you, it's not a duty or an obligation. I picture this as a thread where ppl can post whenever they want. Like an open sand box video game. When I see newbies I get estatic!

I am very hyperactive. HA. Impulsive and frantic. I have ADHD. They have high rates of suicide. It's to be expected.

I feel sad I haven't responded to your posts, particularly your relationship with therapy… I don't have time to be thoughtful. Sadly, I am currently procrastinating. I feel like disappearing, but giving up isn't an option, and I'm gonna climb this hill and win. But suicidal passive thoughts are trying to tear me down.

So I gotta go but man… everything you've written has been really interesting and thoughtful and it's sad you feel discouraged. Plus you have a neurological illness I think you said? Like of course you're overwhelmed. My boy friend has multiple sclerosis and it's partially why I haven't caught up with such thoughtful replies. I wish I could be more in depth. But I need to figure out some stuff ok. Like how to get my lamictal plus not lose Medicaid like I feel like imma puke

Also… it seems you have a problem with perfectionism? @LRkin has similar problems. He asked me how I knew and I never answered. I suppose it's the underestimating, holding high standards, the accomplishments and routines you both seem to dedicate to, maybe you two would hit it off? Perhaps pm would help? Or you need a break?

Trying to send kindness. Even if I can't provide you the support you need. Take care.

 

[Musiclover338]

realized most of my problems would be solved if i was rich so im back gambling in the stock market and sportsbetting..... LOL

really just need a decent 40 hr a week job and i would be fine... i think. i have a decent amount of money but i dont get any hours over 16

 

[LRkin]

This sudden quiet @LRkin on my end is I'm going through a lot. You talk so badly about yourself, how you're abnormal. On paper, you probably look more functioning than me.

Thanks for reply. I didn't mean to trigger anyone to answer. To be fair I was a tad worried that something suddenly went wrong and it affected everyone.
I am sorry that you have to go through all of it. I can't imagine myself going through these sorts of problems. Don't think I can endure something like that, so I am fascinated that you make these steps even if the situation is dire.
On paper... yes, I am functional. And that's a part of the problem. I have to uphold some sort of standards, even though it shouldn't matter. It certainly doesn't for me, but it does for my parents. It's an obligation. So I must appear functional. In reality it's just the façade. Maybe I am not bad at acting, but... in terms of physical appearance, speech and stuff I won't get a real shot at that stuff. But at least I can be convicing.

Big hugs all round. Sorry for selfishly not engaging, just because I don't feel confident nor comfortable in trying to work with words

It's okay. Big hugs to you too. You don't have to engage if you don't feel like communicating. Even more, I'll add - being selfish is not a sin. According to Max Stirner, every person is selfish. Even altruism is somewhat motivated by egoism. Like in my case. I write all these good things and hope that all the nice people here get better, because I want to see that happy end. People feel good - I feel good. And that "I feel good" part is pretty selfish.
I hope you won't burn out and, eventually, something will shine bright enough to look at it and see the future before your eyes.

realized most of my problems would be solved if i was rich so im back gambling in the stock market and sportsbetting..... LOL

Money is good. But gambling... questionable, however who am I to judge. We all cope the way we can, right?
Decent 40hr a week job is good, but personally... I'd prefer a hobby that makes money over this option.


***

So... Updates! My satori didn't last long. I snapped when I accidentally got in a very nasty bump and punctured a tire on the bicycle. What's even worse - it's not mine. So I feel even more guilty for that.
And... Yes. I am quitting my job. Told that in front of my boss and my colleagues. Didn't go well, didn't go bad... Just neutral and somewhat empty. But at least I'll stop stalling and postponing this moment. It already happened, so... I have no other choice but to move on.

And I wish everyone in this thread a good day, evening, night or morning. Even if you can't write here, it's okay as long as you're okay. Or at very least telling the bus driver "not today".

P.S. If anyone is curious, I am more than open to DM, if anyone feels like communicating tet-a-tet. Although due to different timezones sometimes I won't be able to give a quick response.

 

[StarsAbove]

This sudden quiet @LRkin on my end is I'm going through a lot. You talk so badly about yourself, how you're abnormal. On paper, you probably look more functioning than me. Not to dismiss your struggle. More like, it's easy to get lost in a particular perspective… but globally, it's more variable than you think.

I was a druggie bordering on homelessness. My life is still in disarray. So I've been quiet cuz I just need to be on screens less. Feel you @StarsAbove on that

Getting sober is like just one step. Like I swear it's years of rebuilding. It's why many just say fuck it, street and jail and prison are easier. If I wasn't in love with my man, I'd be a street vagrant or dead. It's why I feel with you for your partners. To be lonely… it's the biggest killer

Thats really incredible that you are taking multiple steps, not just the 1. In your own words, its hard ASF. But youre doing it anyway. I afmire your grit.

 

[farukon]

Hi everyone, this is my first time here, this night I've decided to finally denounce suicide and self harm once and for all

 

[Cloud Busting]

Hello. I check this thread almost every day even if I don't read everything in full or respond to everything or even respond at all. It's the most supportive and friendly thread on this site, tho I can see where people may feel unseen or unheard as it can move pretty fast. Honestly, I'm never gonna be a niche expert, I'm a jack of all trades type.

@ConfusedClouds if I ever get the time to highlight my therapy history, I'll do it in my recovery journal thread and tag you. Idk if I will. I mean I have so many thoughts regarding your issues with distancing yourself from people you care about like therapists and family cuz you struggle with attachment it seems… which is completely out of my ballpark. I'll just say attachment therapy has really helped me, I love schema therapy for that reason. @UltraAlter have you ever heard of it? It's interesting, I find it's like a deeper version of surface level cbt. It was Arron Beck who discussed schemas and negative core beliefs, I think Albert Ellis as well. I'm a curious layman take it with a massive salt grain. If I have BPD depends on who you ask. I've been diagnosed, then doubted by other professionals. All I can say is I struggle with anxiety and depression, I have emotional dysregulation, I am ADHD and I have chronic/complex whatever u wanna call it PTSD. I match a lot of criteria for bpd, but it overlaps so much with other disorders.

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/04/adhd-managing-emotion-dysregulation

Either way, I'm glad it's working for you! Honestly, I'm mixed on DBT. I dislike how it feels like taking a class, but I enjoy the dialect parts and there are certain elements I like idk ok

Miss clouds, maybe you would prefer the chronic illness megathread? It's a lot more niche. But therapy is not a duty or obligation, it's for you. Honestly, if you messaged that therapist, she would probably be thrilled. And maybe you should tell her exactly what you've told us. Your ramblings make sense to me. Idk why you think they're incoherent. I'm the one who literally jumps between 8 different topics. lol. It's just they're very specific and I'm bad at being specific ): but maybe you can call her and she can refer you to a better fit? If telehealth works for you, use it! Idk. Your posts just make me so sad. Especially feeling you're not "preforming" well enough. I like you. I promise. I'm just aloof plus a flake and afraid of being asked to pick a side cuz fan clubs and flame wars… ppl think i don't care cuz i do the violent from incredibles force field thing lol

@never mind me i feel the most guilt for not responding to you. I haven't read all your posts I am so sorry. It seems like we'd click? I did read about your bf caring more about drugs than you. Drugs and drinking in relationships are messy don't ask how I know. I thought your response was mature. Hope everything is ok. There's a lot of chronically ill people here. Makes sense. My boyfriend has multiple sclerosis and it's actually linked to depression… So is Chrons… that depression can have inflammation links is a fascinating discovery. Anyway. Hope voice lessons well

sat on this post for like a day or two this is why I prefer discord forums are too involved for me I'm a spazz

I need to life I'll hopefully post later if I didn't respond I'm not ignoring you I will respond to other ppl later lol

Adhd meds kick in please

 

[farukon]

@Cloud Busting do you have tips for riding the wave? I can never quite get it and cave in …

 

[Cloud Busting]

@Cloud Busting do you have tips for riding the wave? I can never quite get it and cave in …

Hmm, well, first of all, to denounce self harm and suicidal thoughts is a huge commitment. I like this thread cuz like you don't have to commit. You can change your mind. And you don't have to sell this sanitized version to post here. You can be ambivalent. You can admit you wanna give up. The toxic positivity of mental health culture, especially online or in the industry, is so annoying.

The best advice I've ever received was from @Hystearical i mean we've kinda moved on to different paths and stuff and I really mostly just skim recovery here these days as I no longer need this site like i used to. Anyway, recovery is non-linear is a thing he said. I think of it often. I mean I attempted on August 28th 2023. I had a goodbye thread and everything. Goodness. And well I've had many times since then I did give up or drowned in the wave rather than riding it.

Developing self compassion is the best way. The guilt of having cravings (for many sins, not just suicide and self harm in my case) made them worse. Accepting I have them… really helped. Embracing impermanence. Also, peer support. It's hard to recover on your own. I have a lot of supportive people in my life. If I didn't, recovery wouldn't even be possible for me.there is a reason in suicide planning, social supports and networks is a thing they check for. Yet "go to therapy and get meds" is ppls version of mental health literacy. Or self care… which has come to mean buy my products. Let's privatize care rather than have communities publicly care for one another cuz only professionals can support ppl in need. Absolutely gross. Btw, Reddit hates me. Uninstalling it was good for my mental health.

Also, are you a visual person? Into breathing or whatever? Visualizing the ride and fall and how it made my body feel helped. Progress not perfection. As a chronic relapser, things are easier if you have back up plans rather than create some oath cuz willpower doesn't really work. Especially when you think of like associative learning and neuropsychology/neuroscience and its role in habit forming.

Type ride the wave you can find meditations and stuff. This may also interest you:

Self-Injury Recovery & Awareness

Self harm, Self-Injury, Non-Suicidal Self-Injury

www.thesira.org

Also welcome nice to meet you.

 

[farukon]

Hmm, well, first of all, to denounce self harm and suicidal thoughts is a huge commitment. I like this thread cuz like you don't have to commit. You can change your mind. And you don't have to sell this sanitized version to post here. You can be ambivalent. You can admit you wanna give up. The toxic positivity of mental health culture, especially online or in the industry, is so annoying.

The best advice I've ever received was from @Hystearical i mean we've kinda moved on to different paths and stuff and I really mostly just skim recovery here these days as I no longer need this site like i used to. Anyway, recovery is non-linear is a thing he said. I think of it often. I mean I attempted on August 28th 2023. I had a goodbye thread and everything. Goodness. And well I've had many times since then I did give up or drowned in the wave rather than riding it.

Developing self compassion is the best way. The guilt of having cravings (for many sins, not just suicide and self harm in my case) made them worse. Accepting I have them… really helped. Embracing impermanence. Also, peer support. It's hard to recover on your own. I have a lot of supportive people in my life. If I didn't, recovery wouldn't even be possible for me.there is a reason in suicide planning, social supports and networks is a thing they check for. Yet "go to therapy and get meds" is ppls version of mental health literacy. Or self care… which has come to mean buy my products. Let's privatize care rather than have communities publicly care for one another cuz only professionals can support ppl in need. Absolutely gross. Btw, Reddit hates me. Uninstalling it was good for my mental health.

Also, are you a visual person? Into breathing or whatever? Visualizing the ride and fall and how it made my body feel helped. Progress not perfection. As a chronic relapser, things are easier if you have back up plans rather than create some oath cuz willpower doesn't really work. Especially when you think of like associative learning and neuropsychology/neuroscience and its role in habit forming.

Type ride the wave you can find meditations and stuff. This may also interest you:

Self-Injury Recovery & Awareness

Self harm, Self-Injury, Non-Suicidal Self-Injury

www.thesira.org

Also welcome nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you too, thank you for such a kind and thoughtful response and I'm really happy to hear you're in a better place now ,
I agree a support network is so important, but unfortunately the reason I'm here is because mine has cut me out in one fell swoop and I fell to the worst despair I've ever had with nobody to turn to

 

[LRkin]

Hi everyone, this is my first time here, this night I've decided to finally denounce suicide and self harm once and for all

Hi! Nice to meet you and welcome

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Hi everyone, this is my first time here, this night I've decided to finally denounce suicide and self harm once and for all

Welcome to the Support Group Megathread!

 

[Cloud Busting]

It's nice to meet you too, thank you for such a kind and thoughtful response and I'm really happy to hear you're in a better place now ,
I agree a support network is so important, but unfortunately the reason I'm here is because mine has cut me out in one fell swoop and I fell to the worst despair I've ever had with nobody to turn to

I'm really bad at providing kind and thoughtful responses don't expect it. I've ignored so many people here. ): I just don't have time to respond in depth to everyone. This is why I used to tell ppl here to pass the torch. As in people in this thread come and go and I want the thread itself to carry on. When usagi drop and highlight left this thread died. I brought it back, and I'm afraid it will die again. Recovery subforum is dead and I'd like to change that.

Don't feel obliged to post here. Just be happy the option exists. I want this thread to be for everyone. And sadly yes, most people on this site came here because they had no where else to turn. That's no longer my story, but I've been there. Sadly I have no advice. Just know this exists. And if you decide fuck it, we'll support you.

I like the recovery subforum for that reason. I've said it before, not everyone noticed or agreed, but I find sometimes ppl who have completely given up can be hostile, even if unintentionally. It's not a knock on anyone. I've been there. If recovery is a waste of time and psychiatry and psychology a scam… yeah you're not gonna be of much help.

I missed a door dash to type this ): lol idk how long I can post here so yall gotta carry it. You've all done a good job. This thread got me through when I failed my attempt. Again spaces are either well from ppl who have given up entirely, or places where you gotta preform recovery or placate everyone. I feel I can be completely honest about what recovery is actually like here. And the truth is it's hard it sucks. I'm doing better, but that doesn't mean I am better. I still can barely function. I'm no longer actively suicidal and i have a boyfriend I can lean on now. That's about it. I was thinking about how I wish my car would wreck taking a turn the other day. ):

I have no advice, but post wherever. And remember no one here will tell you there's no hope why even try… yet also you don't have to preform excellence. Just be yourself. It's so refreshing

Going to deliver Taco Bell have a good day everyone. @LRkin im very proud of you though I'm sure it's nerve wracking and I'll talk to you later

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Ok this is gonna be a weird one. Was just typing to a DM. Felt relevant as an update to here. Not fishing for support. Moreso documenting a reality. Because it gets missed. I've blanked and forgotten and learned there's no answers so just ignore and move on. Because I have to and I do and I can. But it should be alarm bells. But there's nothing that can be said nor done. Anyway....




Disclaimer. Its just after 7pm. On a post-dinner walk. Done 3 night shifts. Last night got a semi decent 4h nap at work. Had a 2h nap yesterday afternoon. So I'm not fully rested but nor fully sleep deprived. My nap last night was ~3-7am. Then I had to take my car into the city to a garage and then get the bus back. But planned spending the day aimlessly wondering around the city, cafe big brunch, some admin tasks, some shopping etc. got back, dinner, walk then long sleep when I'm back. (Reset body clock)

But I'm all just all worked up and got myself crying. Part of me wants to analyse. But the only analysis is 'sleep deprived, of course you'll be teary'. But I feel like this is a better more natural state for me. Like I'm fairly brain fogged after 3 N shifts and the longest sleep in one go I've had has been 4h. But 2 naps/sleeps a day of 2-4h each, so its far from absolutely ridiculous. Also, letting tears out in a sort of despair is kinda what I feel like I need sometimes. Like its more me. An actual release. But that then spirals because the explanation is 'sleep deprivation'. Oh yea. And I drank when I got back from the city. So, again, self inflicted. Alcohol + sleep deprivation, nothing to see here. I'm getting myself all the more upset and spiralling about the fact there's these 'explanations' that invalidate the fact that this feels more 'right' for me - letting it out. I can't do it on demand. But people (including significantly me) guilt me for not opening up. I fall into the 'stereotypical male' rhetoric of 'not speaking'. But I don't have words. Maybe I might want to speak but I also don't because there is nothing on demand. Just leaves me stuck in my own bubble. I. just. Can't. Not felt even tempted by the SN since I got it oddly. But given a few frustrations and being trapped by life/the system this past day or two has reminded me it is there. And then the pressure of upcoming 'events' is in my conscious (getting a tattoo extension - so wasting someone's artwork, or fucking with really good people in the rugby club with trialling the new place after 2y of being here now). Let alone the less direct secondary stuff thats always spiralling/spinning off anything and everything.

Fucks sake. Brain has just wiped. Can't even remember what I was just pissed off with and the points I wanted to try document. Still on a weird edge of anxious but upset but don't even know. But no context to it any more. So just have to mute myself. Because. It just is sleep deprivation and/or whisky so there is no validity to any upset. Can NEVER win. Except fucks sake what am I even trying to win. Zoning out even more. Just keep walking. Music. Don't even know.



No responses/analysis necessary - kinda more a vent that feels like it fits here. Just hugs all round. Its shit.