"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[never mind me]

I feel a little weak I didn't use a more lethal method tbh, kinda hate saying it but it's true. :/
I guess on the flip side good thing I didn't have what I need to successfully try kill myself

Last attempt was similar, I just wanted to "Feel" something and ended up OD but that was like 7/8 years ago and I was much younger
I think I just wanto feel something idk

What are your guys experiences with this?

I'm sorry to hear about your attempt. I hope you are feeling better now. I can't imagine how it feels to be so impulsive. I could never do anything like you just on impulse. I mean, sure I have been looking for trees for hanging in the past or tested set ups and the like. But I always knew I wouldn't off myself just yet. There were times when I hoped I would actually go through with it while still in the planning stage, but I certainly have too much SI for this. So this is not realistic for me.

@Cloud Busting: Your therapy sounds really good. And I think it should be normal to decline to work with certain methods in therapy.

I haven't been as active here as I slowly get back into my normal life. I am feeling a lot better now. I had a really good climbing trip, we managed to climb 5 out of 6 days which is as much as I am physically able to climb in such a short amount of time. I am also quite fit again. From all the chocolate and other stuff I eat I suspect that I put on weight, but apparently I gained more muscles than fat, because I am back to being able to do 3 pull-ups on a pull up bar that I can just touch with my fingertips when standing.

I can use my voice without problems for the most part. Sometimes I still feel it getting a bit stressful or slightly painful, but it doesn't really stop me from interacting with others. I just notice I have to keep paying attention to how I speak, because I tend to fall back into the habit of speaking too fast and without taking time to breath.
And I need to do more exercices to strenghten the muscles that pull my shoulders back, because apparently they are too far forward. I am not really surprised with all the climbing and bouldering I do.

Last week-end I went to an outdoor goa party and took acid as it was pretty much the only drug that I dared to take. And I had a really good trip, dancing for hours and it also helped a lot on a mental level. And on top of it I felt a lot more loose the days afterwards and my reflux hasn't been bothering me anymore since then. I could even take the THC drops without problems the days after the acid trip.

And I talked to my boy-friend about the fact that I can't stand him always being on amphetamines/alcohol and he understood. Apparently our common friend with whom I had stayed for a few weeks this summer had talked to him and for a change my boy-friend wasn't awake for days or super sleepy and the last few days he was really quick to respond to messages. Interestingly enough he seems to have the same issues like me: In general his life is not bad, he has a decent job and a nice appartment and enough money, but he gets bored easily and is wondering what to do with his life. I am very much the same (although I am unemployed at the moment, I wouldn't have trouble finding a job again, if I wanted to). My answer so far is to always look for new places I can travel to and/or plan new climbing trips.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Hi all,

Similar to others, been a bit meh recently. Like whats the point trying to communicate because it just causes me upset where I never feel like I get my point across, at best I get ignored and everything moved on and forgotten (good) at worst it catches someone who asks questions that I can't answer and sends me spinning and frustrated and awkward and overwhelmed and generally just reminds me of my incompetence as a human and how false peoples opinions of me are. More on that in a reply below I guess.

In terms of my life, things are just same same. Going through the motions. Though still drinking a fair bit. Building back up my gym after a week or so off due to pulling a muscle. Which has had knock on feelings for my chronic condition thats kinda under investigation. It probably affects me a LOT more than I let on to myself and definitely to the doctors. So I need to work out how to raise that because there's so many issues with me moping about at home and giving out about shit doctors if I fail at saying anything to them. Not deliberately. More a case of feeling ok at the time and forgetting and the way the questions might be asked lead me to answering differently (e.g I am still in the gym and working shifts, so what can be wrong/bad with me - I sort of feel like I need to be non weight bearing or bed bound or something to be able to moan about an injury). Not helped by my consultant being a shit show (every encounter with her secretary has had issues and every referral/prescription/interaction apart from the cash-grabbing appts themselves I have had to chase or correct myself). But my gp cant advocate for me changing if there's 'nothing wrong'. But there's not. But there is. Urgh. Why am I even stressing about it if its likely long term degenerative and I can barely plan or even see more than a couple of weeks into the future.

Dammit I'm essay rambling again as always. I envy those who can post and get their point/complaint across in a short paragraph or so. I'm like that tap analogy we had a while back - rusted shut or burst open flooding the place. Not helpful.

How has it gone opening up to you friends about your suicidality for people in this chat?

I shut off/ran from my friends about 4 years ago now. I was having a bad spell and sort of wanted to ctb but couldn't because 1. I didn't wanna cause guilt, 2. I've basic wilderness first responder training from past lives so know how much the body can survive so need there to be a bomber method which I don't have, 3. I also have a 'clean' medical record and the idea of getting any 'black marks' from failed attempts is kinda scary, especially having worked jobs and locations that have required medical checks before which could flag and stop me doing similar again. Stigma is real. Cue spirals about does it even matter if I'm gonna die soon. Except I'm too passive and now still here 4 years later.

As alluded to above, my few closer friends (who I still often think about and miss but can't allow myself to go back to) picked up on some classic phrases 'don't wanna be here' 'burden' 'better without me' and were offering ears and support and whatever. Except I just couldn't. No words. No answers. No explanations. I got more and more frantic and essentially spooked and ran. Well, relocated/travelling and gradually cut off texting the closer friends to a point of ghosting over time so they didn't try and chase me. This includes family. Though I've never been close to my family. I've since relocated a couple more times and gone through a couple of phone numbers. But my email has stayed the same. Fuck pointless rambling again.

Friends' reactions were not the problem - they showed concern. And a couple are healthworkers so would probably be helpful if I'd been honest and given them a chance. But it was my reactions and inability to do anything. Incompetent human. Fail. Lies.

I do feel inspired by hearing your 'success' stories NZKiwi with both the psych/crisis teams and friends. Its hard to forget that it can work for a lot of people. Its far from 100% the horror stories that get shared online.

it's not letting me tag but I know confused clouds was wondering how I found the right therapist. Long story but my question is what are you looking for? What kind of relationship dynamic do you want? What methods do you like? What are your limits/boundaries? Answering those questions makes the process easier

Thanks for the thoughts. The issue (as above) is my complete inability to know what I want/think/feel and also my inability to communicate. I still feel too awkwardly attached to therapist I also spooked/ran from/ghosted 8 months ago now. She's the only therapist I've had but was for 3.5 years. It was online so she was the only consistent throughout my relocations and would happily roll with wherever I joined the call from. Including finding signal spots on mountainsides while hiking or generally being outside or being curled up on my sofa/giant bean bag with giant teddy. She caused me so much frustration with boundaries, but thats the same with every human out there. I am too much, too needy. So kinda have almost learnt that not trying is a more neutral, stable, zoned out state thats more functional for society than the rollercoaster of 'trying'.

I'm so glad you have found a working relationship there. Again, being reminded that there are positive experiences out there.

What are your guys experiences with this?

Ahahaha copied this quote while reading through to catch up and can't remember the context its from! Whopps.
Written too much so will leave it for now!

It's a spectrum, but I think everything is a fucking spectrum. Binaries annoy me so much

This. For so many things. I've written too much to try launching into my thoughts here too, but that hits a nerve for me for sure!

And @never mind me I'm so glad your climbing trip went ahead. That's so good that you're feeling physically stronger in multiple ways!!! Especially how grim things were just a few weeks ago when you thought you'd be left behind for any of it! And 3 pullups - solid effort!!! There's something reassuring when you've had some time away and try something strength based and its not a total loss like you anticipated! And being so strong must have massively helped your climbing trip?


Ok thats way too much as always, sorry, but thanks, CC listening out.