"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Adûnâi]

Today, May 1st, I finally:
1) bookmarked and closed all my browser tabs (8 windows);
2) installed SillyTavern and tried DeepSeek-r1 a bit;
3) cleaned my PC and desk;
4) reinstalled Warcraft 3 and practiced an old micro map (I haven't played PC games since 2023 or even earlier due to extreme laziness and Mobile Legends degeneration);
5) cleaned up my cringy shrine.

This has been so impactful that there appears to be a bee in my kitchen. Now I'm gonna be permanently scared to go there. I actually fell on my ASS running away, felt so youthful, like the East Prussian grannies in 1945. (Don't look at me like that, horses get scared, too, and horses are noble creatures.)

It's curious to note that when I took a shower on April 28, I noticed that there opened enough space between my bed and the wall potentially to clean it. Before that, the space was too narrow, and I was too wary to move it as there's a frail internet cable there.

Also, my old Nazi friend, who reconnected with me Feb 28, might have killed himself April 26 due to "nothing ever happening" and a broken heart. He had entertained the notion for a few weeks already, but that night was rather unexpected, and all I had the time to say was "you're so epic". I wish he had waited until at least September 2025, just to see if there's a nuclear war this summer : ( But he was legit superior to me, just like the Japanese girl was, too, and unlike her, he was in full control, and had taken the most out of life anyway.

Games for me to play:
1) Blizzard: WC3, Diablo 2 mods, WoW Ascension, maybe WoW MoP;
2) Steam: Age of Mythology, Gun Metal (nostalgia), Portal 2 (I finished Portal 1 Dec 2023), maybe try out Supervive, Marvel Rivals and Strinova.

 

[plantbehindme]

um this is in general i feel is super pathetic, but at this point i'm getting desperate to ask online for advice

i have sunk to such a low point i can't even think or do basic things about important things

like, rationally, i can tell myself that if i work on almost anything in my life, i'd increase my chances at less suffering in the future

but emotionally, the impulse to just not do anything and do silly things like read or watch random crap on the internet is really strong

and i think the reason why I've gotten to such a low point

is because almost every time i have to think about the important things in my life, i'm swamped by regret and other bad things but mostly regret, and it's so emotionally strong it's making me have psychosomatic chest pain, or maybe an anxiety attack, i dont even know the proper terms
and that i perceive no emotional reward to even working on these things, it feels like i'll be damned if i do, and damned if i don't, so why not just give up? this i know is wrong, there's degrees of being damned, but i seem to have forgotten how to keep this in mind

I've heard somewhere online that I should give myself some lenience and forgiveness
like, I've starved myself because i wanted to avoid going to the kitchen or the dinner room, because either it meant that i was going to be around my parents, or at risk of being around my parents, or just being reminded of what it's like around my parents
and I've forsaken much sleep for either catching up on work (which was almost a sunk cost fallacy each time) or just to distract myself with just general brainrot
and asking my parents for help regarding this seems impossible, and i can't even properly verbalize why here for now, because... i literally froze up as i was writing this, i can't even conceive of how to start even thinking about that, and i would never have posted this to ask for help, so i'm skipping past this for now

i have a strong preinclination against complaining, asking for help, or even asking basic questions about my situation,
because, i shouldn't complain/ask, because either other people have worse woes, other people will find my complaints annoying, i'll be embarrassed if the solution turns out to be simple or the problem isn't really a problem at all
and i know all of this is just catastrophizing, like, just to attack one of my faulty ideas, so what if people have worse woes, that's not exactly a good logical step because there always exists a person who has it worse, so by induction, all woes except for the very worst ones, don't matter at all, et cetera

i think my best idea to fight against all this so far
is to somehow try and remember that there exists, objectively speaking, other people that have suffered through and have or will have persisted through the same type of problems that present me
write down all my feelings, all my terror, down on a physical piece of paper, just as emotional processing, just reminding myself each step of the way that i really am working towards my goal, because "just do it" doesn't seem like a realistic possibility for me anymore
and maybe complain more? despite my strong bias against doing that?

 

[plantbehindme]

um this is in general i feel is super pathetic, but at this point i'm getting desperate to ask online for advice

i have sunk to such a low point i can't even think or do basic things about important things

like, rationally, i can tell myself that if i work on almost anything in my life, i'd increase my chances at less suffering in the future

but emotionally, the impulse to just not do anything and do silly things like read or watch random crap on the internet is really strong

and i think the reason why I've gotten to such a low point

is because almost every time i have to think about the important things in my life, i'm swamped by regret and other bad things but mostly regret, and it's so emotionally strong it's making me have psychosomatic chest pain, or maybe an anxiety attack, i dont even know the proper terms
and that i perceive no emotional reward to even working on these things, it feels like i'll be damned if i do, and damned if i don't, so why not just give up? this i know is wrong, there's degrees of being damned, but i seem to have forgotten how to keep this in mind

I've heard somewhere online that I should give myself some lenience and forgiveness
like, I've starved myself because i wanted to avoid going to the kitchen or the dinner room, because either it meant that i was going to be around my parents, or at risk of being around my parents, or just being reminded of what it's like around my parents
and I've forsaken much sleep for either catching up on work (which was almost a sunk cost fallacy each time) or just to distract myself with just general brainrot
and asking my parents for help regarding this seems impossible, and i can't even properly verbalize why here for now, because... i literally froze up as i was writing this, i can't even conceive of how to start even thinking about that, and i would never have posted this to ask for help, so i'm skipping past this for now

i have a strong preinclination against complaining, asking for help, or even asking basic questions about my situation,
because, i shouldn't complain/ask, because either other people have worse woes, other people will find my complaints annoying, i'll be embarrassed if the solution turns out to be simple or the problem isn't really a problem at all
and i know all of this is just catastrophizing, like, just to attack one of my faulty ideas, so what if people have worse woes, that's not exactly a good logical step because there always exists a person who has it worse, so by induction, all woes except for the very worst ones, don't matter at all, et cetera

i think my best idea to fight against all this so far
is to somehow try and remember that there exists, objectively speaking, other people that have suffered through and have or will have persisted through the same type of problems that present me
write down all my feelings, all my terror, down on a physical piece of paper, just as emotional processing, just reminding myself each step of the way that i really am working towards my goal, because "just do it" doesn't seem like a realistic possibility for me anymore
and maybe complain more? despite my strong bias against doing that?

and the mood swings are crazy lmao

i just had like basically a 4 hour long time together with a friend and i feel like i can tolerate the world and all my stupid ass mistakes again

 

[Noct]

I just wish I had someone who cared that I'm really suicidal, and gave me support in a way that's actually substantial and not just 5minutes of platitudes, empty promises, or interrogations that leave me feeling worse and more gutted and guarded rather than more willing to share and try and get better.

If someone cared to even check in every once in a while or someone who was genuinely concerned about my current life state and mental state I feel like it would help me get through the really really hard few months I've had that have caused cyclical stress break downs every few odd weeks on and off.

I've tried with friends and professionals in person and yet, nothing has changed other than getting worse or getting flat out ignored. My online friends and I have drifted apart and I'm moving states in a few months. All in all it's a recipe for isolation disaster without me even trying. People are so accustomed to my struggle that they no longer think it's worth of a cursory glance even though I've always tried not to make it anyone's problem or talk about it unless I really needed help.

—————————————————​

Sorry it's very vent like more than support seeking but I guess this is the final place I'm teeing it reach out for a person or something before I just give up. It's not my best ask but I figure if I can talk about it honestly with anyone it's probably on here somewhere.

 

[Tesha]

Well, nice to see some familiar names still here.

I've been in a trauma treatment clinic for a fair few months - out now and thought I'd log in to see how things are on here.

I'll update properly when I get a chance, but just wanted to say 'Hi' and check in…

 

[wantingdignity]

I just wish I had someone who cared that I'm really suicidal, and gave me support in a way that's actually substantial and not just 5minutes of platitudes, empty promises, or interrogations that leave me feeling worse and more gutted and guarded rather than more willing to share and try and get better.

If someone cared to even check in every once in a while or someone who was genuinely concerned about my current life state and mental state I feel like it would help me get through the really really hard few months I've had that have caused cyclical stress break downs every few odd weeks on and off.

I've tried with friends and professionals in person and yet, nothing has changed other than getting worse or getting flat out ignored. My online friends and I have drifted apart and I'm moving states in a few months. All in all it's a recipe for isolation disaster without me even trying. People are so accustomed to my struggle that they no longer think it's worth of a cursory glance even though I've always tried not to make it anyone's problem or talk about it unless I really needed help.

—————————————————​

Sorry it's very vent like more than support seeking but I guess this is the final place I'm teeing it reach out for a person or something before I just give up. It's not my best ask but I figure if I can talk about it honestly with anyone it's probably on here somewhere.

No need to apologize. Your life does matter and has value. It does make sense that you need that kind of external validation now. It's good that you're asking for what you need on here. I hope you can get it in real life too. I feel like I definitely relate to you. People are also used to me feeling suicidal. It's good that they know, but I sometimes wish that they would be shocked and would hug me. I kind of want that TV reaction. I feel like it would be the appropriate response if they knew how close I was to going sometimes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Well, nice to see some familiar names still here.

I've been in a trauma treatment clinic for a fair few months - out now and thought I'd log in to see how things are on here.

I'll update properly when I get a chance, but just wanted to say 'Hi' and check in…

Welcome back!

 

[sadwriter]

Hey guys, I'm back again.

I'm sorry to see that this thread is slowing down.

I may end up having to CTB in the end. Ironically, I'm saying this after making some of the best progress of my life lately, and actually asking a good friend for help and receiving it. But feeling the actual feelings again is making me realize how hard this is and how much I'm hurting. There were adults in my life who abused me when I was young and made me feel like I wasn't a real human being and didn't matter. Now I don't have enough support in my life to get me through recovery. I don't really have a family (it's complicated), just my therapist, a couple of close friends, and a bunch of more distant friends who I don't see too regularly. I've come to realize that maybe I'm not lacking in support because I'm trash, but because that's just how things are. I don't want to die, but if I can't fight anymore, I won't be upset with myself and call myself a failure for it. I think I've gotten to a point where I can die feeling like I confidently know who I am after all and feeling like I'm on my own side, if it comes down to it.

It does suck, though, that I need people after all. I can't really afford it, but maybe in my situation, that's like saying I can't afford to need food and air. I wouldn't be weak for starving or suffocating if I ran out of those.

I hope everyone is getting by and being as kind to themselves as they can be. (I sure as hell know it isn't easy.)

 

[HighFlight]

Hey guys, I'm back again.

While it is always good to hear from an old friend, your presence here makes me a little concerned. I'm sorry for all you've endured in your life.

Your support system doesn't have to be anything elaborate - just your therapist and a few people you can confide in. One thing I've noticed is that, unlike Dear Evan Hansen, you wouldn't automatically be found. To get the support, you need to tell people what you need. It doesn't magically appear. Difficult - absolutely. I still haven't found a way to ask; as I feel like I'm imposing on them, or what if they say no. And even if I did, I'm not sure what I would ask for.

The SadWriter I've come to know over the past years is smart, funny, and genuine. I'd take those qualities in a friend over so many others. And I'm glad you seemed to have found out who you are. I thought I knew, but lost it all - no friends, no supportive family; only a therapist who's pleasant to talk to once a week, but hasn't really changed anything. But my circumstances are a little different - and CTB isn't an option for me at the moment. I'm glad you have both options and some friends.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you still fighting? Compared to last year, it sounds like you have built a foundation upon which to grow. Did something else happen to bring you back?

As always, you know how to reach me if you want to talk. I'm slowly fading away, but am still checking DM's and Discord. Please take care of yourself, and I hope you can find the peace and happiness you truly deserve.

 

[HighFlight]

Well, nice to see some familiar names still here.

I've been in a trauma treatment clinic for a fair few months - out now and thought I'd log in to see how things are on here.

I'll update properly when I get a chance, but just wanted to say 'Hi' and check in…

My apologies... Life has me more than a little distracted these days. Welcome back! I hope all is well. Any insights to share on the clinic?

 

[HighFlight]

I just wish I had someone who cared that I'm really suicidal, and gave me support in a way that's actually substantial and not just 5minutes of platitudes, empty promises, or interrogations that leave me feeling worse and more gutted and guarded rather than more willing to share and try and get better.

If someone cared to even check in every once in a while or someone who was genuinely concerned about my current life state and mental state I feel like it would help me get through the really really hard few months I've had that have caused cyclical stress break downs every few odd weeks on and off.

I've tried with friends and professionals in person and yet, nothing has changed other than getting worse or getting flat out ignored. My online friends and I have drifted apart and I'm moving states in a few months. All in all it's a recipe for isolation disaster without me even trying. People are so accustomed to my struggle that they no longer think it's worth of a cursory glance even though I've always tried not to make it anyone's problem or talk about it unless I really needed help.

—————————————————​

Sorry it's very vent like more than support seeking but I guess this is the final place I'm teeing it reach out for a person or something before I just give up. It's not my best ask but I figure if I can talk about it honestly with anyone it's probably on here somewhere.

@Noct - I'm checking in to see how you are doing. Hopefully things have improved a little over the past month.

And thank you, @wantingdignity, for taking the time to respond to Noct. I hope they say your respond; it was nicely written!

 

[Noct]

I sometimes wish that they would be shocked and would hug me. I kind of want that TV reaction. I feel like it would be the appropriate response if they knew how close I was to going sometimes.

I relate to that really strongly. I wish I could get stronger more dramatic response that would let me really feel seen. Sadly if you're open about your mental health people get to used to thinking you are 'fine enough' if you aren't actively hospitalized or dealing with more physically obvious effects.

No need to apologize. Your life does matter and has value. It does make sense that you need that kind of external validation now. It's good that you're asking for what you need on here. I hope you can get it in real life too.

Thanks for caring and it's nice to find someone who relates. I always feel very obnoxious and/or attention seeking to talk about craving more dramatic responses or more care or concern. So it's very validating to not be judged by people on here.

I hope you can get a hug and external validation like your hoping for too man

@Noct - I'm checking in to see how you are doing. Hopefully things have improved a little over the past month.

Thanks for checking in In some ways things are a little better, I got my meds adjusted and I think it's helping some. On the other hand I've lost more of my small support system so I have even less people who care about me at all in my corner. My chances of someone caring enough to checking and see me for how bad it is right now decreased significantly.

I still haven't found a way to ask; as I feel like I'm imposing on them, or what if they say no. And even if I did, I'm not sure what I would ask for.

I agree that this is one of the hardest parts. At the lowest it's hard to even identify what would fix anything. Especially something that is realistic to ask of someone to do.

——————

I'm really sorry to hear about how rough things are for you as well (even though I know you were responding to someone else here).

If you want more people online to try and fill your support system, I'm happy to talk. You really kindly checked in for me where no one else I know has, even people I've talked to for years. You seem like a genuine and thoughtful person and I'd love to help or return the favor if I can.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I don't have the energy to rant so I'll just say it bluntly. Discord helped me get into psych ward, and I don't use it anymore as it triggers me hard. Just made a friend wanting to chat on Discord. The mere MENTION of that made me instantly go into an anxiety attack. I feel nauseous and I just hate myself for feeling like that. Discord won't even accept me back cause my phone number doesn't work for some reason. I don't care...I just wish I never ever used Discord. I wish it never existed.

Sorry for the bluntness I'm trying my best to actually type without spiraling even further down this crap.

 

[lita-lassi]

it has been long time hello to new and old faces, im sorry i didn't catch up but i really do love and wish you all the best in life

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

@sadwriter im sorry to see you back and feeling crappy

@HighFlight thank you for keeping it going

@Praestat_Mori good to see you again

same goes to everyone im sorry im just making a very quick drive by posting, please have as great a week as possible

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

it has been long time hello to new and old faces, im sorry i didn't catch up but i really do love and wish you all the best in life

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

@sadwriter im sorry to see you back and feeling crappy

@HighFlight thank you for keeping it going

@Praestat_Mori good to see you again

same goes to everyone im sorry im just making a very quick drive by posting, please have as great a week as possible

I'm recent here, but rest assured, I wish nothing but the best for you. Mama bear's big heart always has room for another cub, honey. I'm sorry things haven't been the greatest with you, but I'm glad you're back here and still fighting for it. Keep at it, dear, and soon things may change for the better. *hugs*

 

[Praestat_Mori]

it has been long time hello to new and old faces, im sorry i didn't catch up but i really do love and wish you all the best in life

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

@sadwriter im sorry to see you back and feeling crappy

@HighFlight thank you for keeping it going

@Praestat_Mori good to see you again

same goes to everyone im sorry im just making a very quick drive by posting, please have as great a week as possible

Thank you!

Nice to see you!

All the best to you, too!

 

[HighFlight]

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

Welcome back! I've missed your colorful post, and would be interested to hear more about your school stuff. As always, give yourself a break - you're getting stuff done 5% of the time. Maybe set a goal for next week to increase that to 6%.

I'm recent here, but rest assured, I wish nothing but the best for you.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to find the time to give you a proper welcome to the thread. We're glad you decided to give life a chance, even as those damn social apps seem to make things so difficult at times. If you need anything, even just someone to vent to, don't hesitate to let me know.

I can't say I have much of an update from my end - the hamster wheel of life continues. My ADHD brain has latched on to the music theory of one artist, and I think my family groans every time I mention his names. So still lacking anyone to have deep conversations with on such topics. But my immediate family need me and I'm committed to see them through their current issues. I'll continue living for others.

I wish all who read this a little peace in their lives - regardless of the path that you are on.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

My ADHD brain has latched on to the music theory of one artist, and I think my family groans every time I mention his names. So still lacking anyone to have deep conversations with on such topics.

Hmm, can't say I'm too well versed on that specific topic, but I'm open to anything and if you need someone to listen and offer kind words, there are an abundance of those in this little shriveled heart of mine. Mama bear is always willing to comfort.