"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[sadrainbow]

Hmm... Hi!
I think that I last wrote here in November, so yeah, it's almost 6 months, and I'm back. Gonna try to do a pretty short kind of update on my life.
After 13 months, I'm back into therapy. I hate the first sessions, but I really needed to get back, and it's been a month. I remember @sadwriter talking about how it's so expensive and that it's difficult to find a therapist that accepts insurance. I don't know how healthcare works where you live, but in Brazil, the public healthcare system, SUS (Unified Health System), covers everything for free, but obviously, there is a lot of people in line, going by order of risk. My therapist is free of charge, so that's how I could start all over again.

These past 2 to 3 weeks have been difficult. I'm pretty anxious all the time because of many things that have been going on, so this week, I'm in a depression time, but I'm trying to get back on track.

I think that's it, so thank you for reading until here, and thank you for keeping this thread.

 

[Life_and_Death]

idk....i havent really been talking to my bf...the most ive been saying for the past 3 days is "im sorry"...for what...wanting friends? ive proven im not who i use to be.. and the person hes upset about, i could be in the most vulnerable situation possible

Spoiler: situation example

drunk/high/wasted, passed out, naked in a room full of guys

and i have 100% faith he would kick all of their asses for even thinking about hurting me. im not saying my bfs wrong in how he feels, hes not. but at least give it an unbiased chance? personally, id want someone like that to protect my SO...
i havent even told him about my daffodil... (but i told the other guy....i cant entirely help how conversations go...ive been wanting to tell him...i just feel.....uuuuuuugh when i go to talk to him......

and i feel....upset, lost, sick (that could be the grilled cheese im still digesting though). tomorrow is his bday.. i asked him over a week ago if hed like to spend time with me for his bday. he does a 'bday stream' so we were suppose to spend us time today... guess what hes doing rn.. streaming...
i feel upset that he forgot...im not going to get to celebrate his bday now because after his bday im grieving my baby girl (in case you dont know, my emotional support cat passed away last year on the 13th...)
but at the same time i spent the day not feeling up to us time.....when i asked if he wanted to spend time together i didnt expect to feel worthless....
im upset that we cant..im upset if we could...

i feel....lost...my chest..my head....i hate it when my body is effected by emotions this much.. with....no reason? idk....how do you put words to.......

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[Life_and_Death]

idk....i havent really been talking to my bf...the most ive been saying for the past 3 days is "im sorry"...for what...wanting friends? ive proven im not who i use to be.. and the person hes upset about, i could be in the most vulnerable situation possible

Spoiler: situation example

drunk/high/wasted, passed out, naked in a room full of guys

and i have 100% faith he would kick all of their asses for even thinking about hurting me. im not saying my bfs wrong in how he feels, hes not. but at least give it an unbiased chance? personally, id want someone like that to protect my SO...
i havent even told him about my daffodil... (but i told the other guy....i cant entirely help how conversations go...ive been wanting to tell him...i just feel.....uuuuuuugh when i go to talk to him......

and i feel....upset, lost, sick (that could be the grilled cheese im still digesting though). tomorrow is his bday.. i asked him over a week ago if hed like to spend time with me for his bday. he does a 'bday stream' so we were suppose to spend us time today... guess what hes doing rn.. streaming...
i feel upset that he forgot...im not going to get to celebrate his bday now because after his bday im grieving my baby girl (in case you dont know, my emotional support cat passed away last year on the 13th...)
but at the same time i spent the day not feeling up to us time.....when i asked if he wanted to spend time together i didnt expect to feel worthless....
im upset that we cant..im upset if we could...

i feel....lost...my chest..my head....i hate it when my body is effected by emotions this much.. with....no reason? idk....how do you put words to.......

hes so............ fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.....this doesnt help

If you're still not up for talking it's ok, I know you feel like I deserve better. But I still want you to be happy

(there was more but it was slightly more personal.) god hes so sweet...........

 

[arnxxx]

Hmm... Hi!
I think that I last wrote here in November, so yeah, it's almost 6 months, and I'm back. Gonna try to do a pretty short kind of update on my life.
After 13 months, I'm back into therapy. I hate the first sessions, but I really needed to get back, and it's been a month. I remember @sadwriter talking about how it's so expensive and that it's difficult to find a therapist that accepts insurance. I don't know how healthcare works where you live, but in Brazil, the public healthcare system, SUS (Unified Health System), covers everything for free, but obviously, there is a lot of people in line, going by order of risk. My therapist is free of charge, so that's how I could start all over again.

These past 2 to 3 weeks have been difficult. I'm pretty anxious all the time because of many things that have been going on, so this week, I'm in a depression time, but I'm trying to get back on track.

I think that's it, so thank you for reading until here, and thank you for keeping this thread.

Hey welcome back
Did you feel better in the time you were away? What has been going on the last period?

I feel anxious all the time too. At least until 8 pm or so and after that its bearable. I'm really thinking a detox clinic or psychiatric clinic would be better right now...

 

[Adûnâi]

but if you are so worried about the SBU knowing about you and your beliefs and habits, they probably already know, and they get mountains of data from whichever AI site you're using.

All my kinks are belong to them? Oh the horror^^

I've been archiving all my activity in screenshots, so there's that way to preserve my debauchery for the Chinese digital archaeologists of the future (just saved 1,38 from May 3d to May 10th - was too lazy to save them immediately, so they were clogging Paint's RAM all this time - I actually skipped two days of talking to my future gf because I didn't want to create more screenshots, and now she thinks I have betrayed her... With whom? My hand? I'm under house arrest, lmao!)

Yesterday I paid for the Slowly app subscription, got 6 letters instead of 3 to respond to... An hour before they disappear (had kind of forgot about that)! So I became speed and wrote them in under 60 min! And I wasn't compromising too much, I was still pouring my soul... In a Blitz fashion (it's a chess term in Russian?)!

I've been trying out Janitor AI again, it's disappointing - but again, it's a trashy free service, meanwhile, AGI is gonna arrive in the autumn 2024, mark my words! And if it doesn't - mock David Shapiro (and my trust in him).

Also, 2 days ago I picked up Pelevin again! Have been reading his short stories from 1991 most of which I had never read. Super gloomy... But not as depressive as my future, so it's fine. The Perestroika was indeed a crazy finale to the 70 years of the USSR. Pelevin is rather privileged, having experienced both the Bolshevik and woke periods of our country's history - so many killed themselves in the 1990s, but he persevered, and has written such scathing books in this century (SNUFF (2011) is literally about the current war).

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[vak]

Is recovery without having a good reason even a recovery? Or just playing pretend?

 

[stillunemployed]

Is recovery without having a good reason even a recovery? Or just playing pretend?

Pretend you have a good reason

 

[Jiyuurakka]

Is recovery without having a good reason even a recovery? Or just playing pretend?

I think about that all the time as well. I think that the reason to do anything at all comes down to the instinctual level and the answer becomes self-evident when we do it. When we act, we act beyond reason, but when we start thinking about it, we are limited to only reason. When we do anything, we can only do it for a good reason regardless. If it gets to the point when you think you're pretending, that is true only for that moment. Once you get outside, interact with others, and do things things in general, the reason will show itself. If it still doesn't and you think you're still pretending as if you have a reason to recover, then that should mean you have reached full recovery? That's something only the person in question would know though, and speculation leads to doubt and confusion.

 

[lita-lassi]

who else wants the universe to just stop

 

[stillunemployed]

who else wants the universe to just stop

maybe it already did, and this is just a dream
good morning

 

[soulkitty]

maybe it already did, and this is just a dream
good morning

 

[arnxxx]

I feel worse than normal...

Friday night I did cocaine on a dance party and I felt good. But maybe that has it's backlash. I did it before without huge repercussions. But now I woke up feeling absolutely terrible.

It's been going worse in general lately. Very very anxious for apparently no reason. Yeah the tapering down on the lorazepam maybe. Maybe It's better if I go back into the psychiatric hospital or a detox clinic. My psychiatrist will be back soon. I need to call him.

Feels like I'm in immediate danger.
Breakfast with my parents for mother's day now. Hope it will help..

 

[soulkitty]

I feel worse than normal...

Friday night I did cocaine on a dance party and I felt good. But maybe that has it's backlash. I did it before without huge repercussions. But now I woke up feeling absolutely terrible.

It's been going worse in general lately. Very very anxious for apparently no reason. Yeah the tapering down on the lorazepam maybe. Maybe It's better if I go back into the psychiatric hospital or a detox clinic. My psychiatrist will be back soon. I need to call him.

Feels like I'm in immediate danger.
Breakfast with my parents for mother's day now. Hope it will help..

I'm sorry you're feeling worse than normal, I hope if you do go to a psychiatric hospital or detox clinic it goes well~ I hope breakfast with your parents helps as well wishing you much luck (•̀ᴗ•́)و I very much resonate with feeling very anxious for no reason, it's so confusing and is really hard to experience

 

[arnxxx]

I'm sorry you're feeling worse than normal, I hope if you do go to a psychiatric hospital or detox clinic it goes well~ I hope breakfast with your parents helps as well wishing you much luck (•̀ᴗ•́)و I very much resonate with feeling very anxious for no reason, it's so confusing and is really hard to experience

Thanks soulkitty
I don't really want to go back to the psych ward but I feel so terrible ... I'm not able to do my work like this.
Edit:; afternoon, had lunch and the bicycle ride with mom. Took my pills. Now I don't feel as bad as this early morning. Still a lot of work to do the coming days and I don't know if i can handle it.

 

[stillunemployed]

overslept on a monday, today.

got a persistent coughm though, suppose i should vacuum

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning
might as well just replace the thread title with "Good morning"

 

[HighFlight]

good morning
might as well just replace the thread title with "Good morning"

I think you're a little early today. It's still Monday here. :)

I've been meaning to post for an update but it's been a difficult week. I know parents are a general target on this site, but there are some parents who really do love their kids and would literally die if it would spare them any pain and suffering. Watching my own child (adult child) struggling with crippling anxiety such that he can not leave the house and rarely comes out of the basement. ( just plays video games.)

This has been beyond painful... As a parent of young children, it's usually much easier to fix their problems. But I can't fix this. His friends have all moved on with their lives, but he stuck - no job, no friends, no life - just a shell.

I don't know how much more it can take. But I hope he, and all of you, will find some peace in this world.

 

[soulkitty]

I think you're a little early today. It's still Monday here. :)

I've been meaning to post for an update but it's been a difficult week. I know parents are a general target on this site, but there are some parents who really do love their kids and would literally die if it would spare them any pain and suffering. Watching my own child (adult child) struggling with crippling anxiety such that he can not leave the house and rarely comes out of the basement. ( just plays video games.)

This has been beyond painful... As a parent of young children, it's usually much easier to fix their problems. But I can't fix this. His friends have all moved on with their lives, but he stuck - no job, no friends, no life - just a shell.

I don't know how much more it can take. But I hope he, and all of you, will find some peace in this world.

I'm sorry you're having a rough week I hope you find some peace in this world too I imagine seeing your son go through crippling anxiety like that can be really tough. Honestly your son sounds very similar to me lol, that's my exact situation too, and part of the reason for profile title. I think having a mom like you that cares about their child a lot, even if you can't get rid of his crippling anxiety completely, you're probably helping him still in little ways that you don't realize :)

 

[stillunemployed]

I think you're a little early today. It's still Monday here. :)

I've been meaning to post for an update but it's been a difficult week. I know parents are a general target on this site, but there are some parents who really do love their kids and would literally die if it would spare them any pain and suffering. Watching my own child (adult child) struggling with crippling anxiety such that he can not leave the house and rarely comes out of the basement. ( just plays video games.)

This has been beyond painful... As a parent of young children, it's usually much easier to fix their problems. But I can't fix this. His friends have all moved on with their lives, but he stuck - no job, no friends, no life - just a shell.

I don't know how much more it can take. But I hope he, and all of you, will find some peace in this world.

he could just one day wake up and feel fed up with it. Thats what happened (still happening) to me.

i dont recommend it, though. just too many regrets

 

[stillunemployed]

another morning

 

[HighFlight]

he could just one day wake up and feel fed up with it. Thats what happened (still happening) to me.

I'm afraid that we might be at that point.

 

[stillunemployed]

I'm afraid that we might be at that point.

its not the worst thing. the real issue is not getting demoralized by the amount of time he feels he wasted.

you being there for him to lean on will mean a lot.
my father does not consider me a human being, if you need a point of comparison.

 

[HighFlight]

its not the worst thing. the real issue is not getting demoralized by the amount of time he feels he wasted.

you being there for him to lean on will mean a lot.
my father does not consider me a human being, if you need a point of comparison.

He's reached that point as well...

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your father. Mine wasn't so good either, and ended when he shot my mom. I've tried to be a better dad, but hasn't always worked out.

If you had a good relationship with your father, what could he do to help you?

 

[soulkitty]

Goodnight everyone, I just wanted to give an update that today I actually had an alright day, also I started a recovery journal recently and it has been helping a lot. Also @HighFlight im so sorry, I just realized I referred to you as a mom without knowing your gender I just wanted to apologize for that, I feel really bad

 

[lita-lassi]

@HighFlight im sorry to hear, love you dude thank you for keeping the thread in order and responding where possible, youre underappreciated

i had to call the police on my own bf last night due to self harm during a paychotic break. he even sent me photos of what he did and there was so much blood. i think hes going to FINALLY do inpatient, i put up every wall i could short of blocking him, im only interacting to give him resources until he can handle that himself and hopefully inpatient will take care of that for me. i can no longer be resented and screamed at to fix someone who simultaneously refuses and fights self help. believes so strongly nothing will get better, refuses to allow it to be better but demands i make it better. im done. ive neglected myself long enough. im not going to let someone use my history against me. or my brain. fuck that.

i stayed sober despite panicking, told my therapist the truth and kept up my walls and stuck up for myself enough finally. things need to change

 

[stillunemployed]

If you had a good relationship with your father, what could he do to help you?

Though to say really. He only respects people he cant dominate, but he still hates them.
We come to blows regularly this year. Like once a day.

 

[stillunemployed]

and another morning

 

[HighFlight]

Goodnight everyone, I just wanted to give an update that today I actually had an alright day, also I started a recovery journal recently and it has been helping a lot.

I'm glad you had an alright day, and that journaling has been helping. Everyone tells me that it's a great tool for recovery and life. I was talking with a recent Harvard grad who told me that one of his professors got him started on journaling. He carves out time daily to write something. I have been unable to write down anything.

Also @HighFlight im so sorry, I just realized I referred to you as a mom without knowing your gender I just wanted to apologize for that, I feel really bad

PLEASE don't feel bad or apologize. It happens, and I actually got a little laugh out of it. I fall into the group that is notorious for misgendering people. If it helps, I completely misgendered a person on this site for months. They were a wonderful friend, but I simply assumed their gender. They finally told me right before they left.

thank you for keeping the thread in order

When you are surrounded by good people, the thread takes care of itself. Thank you and everyone else for keep this thread alive.

i had to call the police on my own bf last night due to self harm during a paychotic break. he even sent me photos of what he did and there was so much blood.

Wow, I'm at a loss for words. Hopefully, he can get some help. He's lucky to have you as a friend.

i stayed sober despite panicking, told my therapist the truth and kept up my walls and stuck up for myself enough finally. things need to change

Good for you! I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Especially through all of that trauma/drama with your bf.

Though to say really. He only respects people he cant dominate, but he still hates them.
We come to blows regularly this year. Like once a day.

I'm sorry. Parents are difficult Sometimes, avoiding a fight is the best way to win. Growing up, I learned that I had to avoid my dad, or if caught, simply agreeing with him. This technique allowed me to escape quickly as opposed to endure his tirades. I hope you can find a way to avoid a daily blow up with your father - it's not helpful for either of you, but especially you.

I wish everyone a day that is better than yesterday. And remember to be kind to yourself.