Venting i wish they all hated me

[emptymiku]

my friends are such great people.

even the ones that annoy me for some reason, are always so kind to me.

why do they think that i deserve kindness?

i've never felt that i have any worth as a human being. this is embedded into me. i know that no amount of "you matter!" will ever change how i feel.

i love them all.

maybe one of them, a bit too much. but why is there any hope in my mind? i know that they will never feel that way about me, anyways.

i wish my friends hated me so i could lose all of my hope.

i wish my friends hated me so they don't care for such a disgusting person.

i wish my friends hated me so they won't be sad when i die.

i wish my friends hated me so i can't tell them how much i love them.

but i tell myself i wish i could disappear without them caring, and i know immediately that i'm lying

i want them to worry about me

why am i so selfish?

 

[aspenjrojas]

this is so relatable for me as well. i have so many people who care about me and it makes me feel so terrible and guilty knowing i'm planning to leave them. i almost want to become a terrible person in the next year so it'll justify them hating me. i wanna tell myself lies like "it's okay because if they really cared about me, they would see the pain i was in." but i can't force myself to be like that, nor can i force myself to be terrible to my friends. i already feel bad enough knowing i have to choose between their happiness or mine and i'm choosing mine. i am gonna try to become as detached from people and society as much as possible in the next year leading up to my death date. i don't know how much it'll work though.