Venting i wish they all hated me

[emptymiku]

my friends are such great people.

even the ones that annoy me for some reason, are always so kind to me.

why do they think that i deserve kindness?

i've never felt that i have any worth as a human being. this is embedded into me. i know that no amount of "you matter!" will ever change how i feel.

i love them all.

maybe one of them, a bit too much. but why is there any hope in my mind? i know that they will never feel that way about me, anyways.

i wish my friends hated me so i could lose all of my hope.

i wish my friends hated me so they don't care for such a disgusting person.

i wish my friends hated me so they won't be sad when i die.

i wish my friends hated me so i can't tell them how much i love them.

but i tell myself i wish i could disappear without them caring, and i know immediately that i'm lying

i want them to worry about me

why am i so selfish?

 

[aspenjrojas]

this is so relatable for me as well. i have so many people who care about me and it makes me feel so terrible and guilty knowing i'm planning to leave them. i almost want to become a terrible person in the next year so it'll justify them hating me. i wanna tell myself lies like "it's okay because if they really cared about me, they would see the pain i was in." but i can't force myself to be like that, nor can i force myself to be terrible to my friends. i already feel bad enough knowing i have to choose between their happiness or mine and i'm choosing mine. i am gonna try to become as detached from people and society as much as possible in the next year leading up to my death date. i don't know how much it'll work though.

 

[emptymiku]

this is so relatable for me as well. i have so many people who care about me and it makes me feel so terrible and guilty knowing i'm planning to leave them. i almost want to become a terrible person in the next year so it'll justify them hating me. i wanna tell myself lies like "it's okay because if they really cared about me, they would see the pain i was in." but i can't force myself to be like that, nor can i force myself to be terrible to my friends. i already feel bad enough knowing i have to choose between their happiness or mine and i'm choosing mine. i am gonna try to become as detached from people and society as much as possible in the next year leading up to my death date. i don't know how much it'll work though.

same ...

 

[Manfrotto99]

It sounds like your friends see the beautiful person who you are refusing to see. They treat you with love and kindness because you deserve it. Maybe try giving them some more credit - if they love and care for you so much - then there must be a reason for it.

 

[meowpuppy]

i've tried to get around this by having little to no friends, but i feel like all my ex-friends and stuff all care about me too..