I want to kill myself because I will never find a girlfriend

[Kasumi]

I'm in the same situation. I just want someone to talk to and do stuff with. Someone I can be myself around but it's never going to happen. I have avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety. I am terrified of being in a relationship. If I see a pretty girl I walk the other way. If a girl talks to me I try to escape the situation as fast as possible becuase I feel so much anxiety. Like I feel like I can't breathe and start shaking. Just from talking to a pretty girl. It's pathetic.

I want a relationship but the anxiety associated with it is unbearable. Even if I knew someone liked me I wouldn't ask them out becuase it's too much anxiety. I am simply too broken as a person there is no hope for me. I do not possess the ability to be in a relationship yet I cannot live my whole life so completely alone. Death is the only option for me.

Then don't ask her out, maybe just become friends, would that be so bad?
As a bonus, through being friends you might learn to not be afraid of her anymore and either be able to ask her out then, or be able to talk to other girls without being scared.
Oooor you might realise that your bestie is all you need already.

The jump from being too anxious about talking to someone to immediately ctb is way too big, and I know that sounds stupid as anxiety is one of my reasons for wanting to ctb but hear me out.
Before you die you might as well try anything, yes literally anything, because it's all over when you die anyway.
Try therapy, it might not work, try medication, try drugs, it doesn't really matter if people say it's risky or blabla, if you're going to die anyway, what do you have to lose?

I recently asked my psychiatrist about ketamine treatment, cause I heard many problematic things about it, if she thought it was worth a try for treatment resistant depression.
She said, sure there are risks, but what does it matter if things are so bad that you're gonna jump of a bridge anyway, might as well give it a try.


I do understand if you say you exclusively want a romantic relationship, but what always puzzles me is that what most people actually want is just someone they can share their life with.

I just want someone to talk to and do stuff with. Someone I can be myself around

I don't think that's asking for too much at all.
But it's a little baffling for me to see people only assume the traditional way of picking up a girl and having a hollywood style relationship was the only way to go (while it might be the least effective).
If you just want that and sex is secondary to you, then I'd say focus on what matters to you, focus on building a close relationship with whoever, friend, girlfriend, pet, does it matter?
True love isn't "romantic" in nature, it's closer to trust and care.

 

[Adûnâi]

You're hungry: you eat. It's the same thing as a relationship.

Sounds rapey xd

I'm in the same situation. I just want someone to talk to and do stuff with. Someone I can be myself around but it's never going to happen. I have avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety. I am terrified of being in a relationship. If I see a pretty girl I walk the other way. If a girl talks to me I try to escape the situation as fast as possible becuase I feel so much anxiety. Like I feel like I can't breathe and start shaking. Just from talking to a pretty girl. It's pathetic.

I used to be like this! Well, no girl talked to me, but I did run away from my crush when I had to share the journey to our school twice in my life. I'm not a fakecel though, and I'm not like that anymore at 27... But I have no idea where local Ukrainians fuck.

Look out for yourself, be selfish, and don't give a f about what other people think of you if you don't live for them.

Now this is interesting. I for one would kill myself due to feeling useless and of no help to anyone.

And no, "doing charity" won't cut it, I'd like to have a cute girl to care for, not some random people.

 

[ManByTheRiver]

Love and sex doesn't take away the problems. They're a help but it won't cure someone suddenly. For me it makes things almost worse since I now have to worry about someone else on top of me as well.

 

[AllAlone]

Then don't ask her out, maybe just become friends, would that be so bad?
As a bonus, through being friends you might learn to not be afraid of her anymore and either be able to ask her out then, or be able to talk to other girls without being scared.
Oooor you might realise that your bestie is all you need already.

The jump from being too anxious about talking to someone to immediately ctb is way too big, and I know that sounds stupid as anxiety is one of my reasons for wanting to ctb but hear me out.
Before you die you might as well try anything, yes literally anything, because it's all over when you die anyway.
Try therapy, it might not work, try medication, try drugs, it doesn't really matter if people say it's risky or blabla, if you're going to die anyway, what do you have to lose?

I recently asked my psychiatrist about ketamine treatment, cause I heard many problematic things about it, if she thought it was worth a try for treatment resistant depression.
She said, sure there are risks, but what does it matter if things are so bad that you're gonna jump of a bridge anyway, might as well give it a try.


I do understand if you say you exclusively want a romantic relationship, but what always puzzles me is that what most people actually want is just someone they can share their life with.

I don't think that's asking for too much at all.
But it's a little baffling for me to see people only assume the traditional way of picking up a girl and having a hollywood style relationship was the only way to go (while it might be the least effective).
If you just want that and sex is secondary to you, then I'd say focus on what matters to you, focus on building a close relationship with whoever, friend, girlfriend, pet, does it matter?
True love isn't "romantic" in nature, it's closer to trust and care.

I would love to just be friends with a girl. I would love to just be friends with a guy. I want affection and the feeling of being in an intimate relationship, but it's not the most important thing. I agree with you that having friend relationships is the most important thing.

Unfortunately i can't even make friends. I have so much anxiety I just avoid people. And when I do talk to people there is a constant wall of anxiety that prevents me from connecting with people. And people just don't like me because I am awkward and quiet. I wish I wasnt this way. I have tried therapy, drugs, anything else to change but I can't.

Literally all I want is to be able to talk to a girl without being overcome with anxiety. To talk to a girl without being seen as creepy or wierd. When I talk to girls all I am trying to do is to be friends but I can't even do that.

 

[Morte]

No. Dating and sex are the main instincts of the human brain, together with hunger. They are things that must be experienced otherwise it cannot be called life.
A man not wanted by any woman is a total failure both for society and for nature.

And why should anyone be seen as a winner by society and "nature"? What does society do for you to make you want to please it so much? You're putting pressure on yourself to please something that doesn't give a damn about you.

It's not the lack of girlfriend that is causing you suffering, it's your thinking. You will remain miserable as long as you believe that dating/society judgment is essential for your well-being. Such mindset is self sabotage.

The human brain is too complex to be limited to basic instincts. Just the fact you want do die already goes against It. You don't need to follow them all. We are the most adaptable mammals for a reason.

 

[Reasonably_Rational]

I'm not particularly good looking, I'm not rich or interesting, no one wants me.

Wrong WRONG WRONG WRONG wrong....I can guaran...goddamn...tee that this statement is WRONG!!

There is literally someone for everyone. For Christ's sake... look at how many people there are on this god forsaken planet. Do the math. The odds are truly in your favor. The right girl is out there...hoping you'll come along some day. She damned sure isn't in your bedroom ( at least not yet)... so turn the computer off and go outside.

Just my humble opinion.

AND... by the way .... stay the hell away from prostitutes. Men don't pay prostitutes for sex...they pay them to go away. That's not what you're looking for. It will only make things worse!!

 

[Adûnâi]

What does society do for you to make you want to please it so much?

The human brain is too complex to be limited to basic instincts. Just the fact you want do die already goes against It. You don't need to follow them all. We are the most adaptable mammals for a reason.

Humans differ from other animals precisely due to having society.

And if we compare modern incels to animals, it would probably be something gruesome such as industrial animal husbandry, with cages and torture.

AND... by the way .... stay the hell away from prostitutes. Men don't pay prostitutes for sex...they pay them to go away. That's not what you're looking for. It will only make things worse!!

Umm, I would have something to live for if I could save up some money to have female touch once a month.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

dating and sex are overrated. Almost every couples are unhappy or shallow. Most people end up happier alone.

If you have personally experienced dating and sex to be able to conclude that they are overrated, you shouldn't try to push that on someone who never has.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

dating and sex are overrated. Almost every couples are unhappy or shallow. Most people end up happier alone.

I agree 100%. But unfortunately this a realization that one can only begin to grasp after having experienced it for themselves. I was lucky enough to be a late bloomer and had many sexual encounters from age 20 and on. But I will never forget the torture it was in high school to hear about others having sex and not being able to experience it for myself. So I greatly sympathize with OP. I also find Elliot Rodger's manifesto to be quite intriguing because of this as well.

 

[Kasumi]

Unfortunately i can't even make friends. I have so much anxiety I just avoid people. And when I do talk to people there is a constant wall of anxiety that prevents me from connecting with people. And people just don't like me because I am awkward and quiet. I wish I wasnt this way. I have tried therapy, drugs, anything else to change but I can't.

Literally all I want is to be able to talk to a girl without being overcome with anxiety. To talk to a girl without being seen as creepy or wierd. When I talk to girls all I am trying to do is to be friends but I can't even do that.

I'm sorry that I can't solve that problem for you (I know it's silly of me to assume I could but I still wish I could).
Really the only thing I can do is suggest things that I would do in hopes that you maybe havn't tried them yet, although I feel like you probably tried most things by now.

One thing I've learned about anxiety by now is that it sucks, and I don't just mean feeling anxious, but also the process of fighting it.
Because as far as I know the only way to really get rid of anxiety - if medication doesn't work at all - is by repeatedly going through situations where you normally would feel scared but which actually aren't scary so that your brain slowly learns that it has nothing to fear from those situations.

Perhaps I'm lucky that my meds work well (taking Alprazolam) so that I can use that as a starting point (f.e. first few doctor appointments) and once I'm familiar with a situation and "learned" that I have nothing to fear I can do just fine without meds.

So one way or the other I'm afraid there is no way around actually talking to someone you want to get closer to.

I think it's harder for guys to start a conversation especially with a girl since girls tend to see guys as a potential threat if they suddenly approach them for no reason.
But I think at this point you don't need to concern yourself anymore with being careful, not wanting to be seen as weird etc, you're more likely to self sabotage in that way.
Imo you should just be super direct and super honest, that way they know they don't have to see you as a threat.
Tell that person why you're talking to them, be honest about wanting to make new friends and tell them that you get very anxious talking to new people.

If that doesn't work at all you can still make friends online.
You're doing just fine talking openly to people here, you can do the same on social media, in games, hobby groups or even dating apps.
And perhaps after getting to know people online it might be easier for you to meet them irl if they live in the same country at least, at the very least they'll know you and be patient with you.

 

[Morte]

Humans differ from other animals precisely due to having society.

And if we compare modern incels to animals, it would probably be something gruesome such as industrial animal husbandry, with cages and torture.


Umm, I would have something to live for if I could save up some money to have female touch once a month.

I'm not a biologist, but this not true. Many animals live in societies and in groups. Like wolves. What most differentiates humans from other species is their ability to adapt to practically any circumstance, which is why we populate the entire earth.There are people who even live in isolation, like monks and hermits.

The idea that "sex" is instinct and therefore "essential" is quite weak. I'm 27 years old myself, I haven't even kissed. I've been a vehement black pilled incel in the past and would agree with OP, but today I don't give a shit being virgin. I adapted.
I found other ways to deal with the lack of sex and social contact. And I certainly don't give a damn about society anymore. If you can't kill yourself for lack of affordable means, stop thinking of "woman" as your ultimate goal. Eventually your brain forgets this programming. Like I said, we are super adaptable.

 

[Adûnâi]

If you have personally experienced dating and sex to be able to conclude that they are overrated, you shouldn't try to push that on someone who never has.

I agree 100%. But unfortunately this a realization that one can only begin to grasp after having experienced it for themselves. I was lucky enough to be a late bloomer and had many sexual encounters from age 20 and on. But I will never forget the torture it was in high school to hear about others having sex and not being able to experience it for myself. So I greatly sympathize with OP. I also find Elliot Rodger's manifesto to be quite intriguing because of this as well.

I for one experienced something resembling love in May-June 2023, and it was such an insane experience, I don't even remember the end of my semester (which is usually annoying and suicidal for me) - I literally breezed through everything, it was like being born again, the most remarkable inspiration. So fuck everyone saying it's a nothingburger.

...Of course, I have no idea whether that junkie stage would have been sustainable. The withdrawal was intense (because it ended). But I'm quite sure any continuation would have been better than a closure.

The idea that "sex" is instinct and therefore "essential" is quite weak. I'm 27 years old myself, I haven't even kissed. I've been a vehement black pilled incel in the past and would agree with OP, but today I don't give a shit being virgin. I adapted.
I found other ways to deal with the lack of sex and social contact. And I certainly don't give a damn about society anymore. If you can't kill yourself for lack of affordable means, stop thinking of "woman" as your ultimate goal. Eventually your brain forgets this programming. Like I said, we are super adaptable.

Maybe this recent 2023 experience has opened my eyes on what I've been missing. But either way, I seem to have grown bored over the years. I don't even play computer games anymore (kind of trying to start again these days). I feel like if I don't have the fuel, I will grow weaker with years.

 

[Labyrinth]

Few understand you but I understand you completely. Many people diminish and underestimate their suffering, except me who live exactly like you: I feel the same emotions, I have the same desires, I exude loneliness.

I know how painful it is to never have had a girlfriend; not having someone who knows you deeply. Without ever seeing each other, I visualize you translucent as water.

I want to ask for some advice, talk to me.
@Squalo

 

[carnivalforone]

I am 19 years old and I've never ever in my entire life touched even a hand of the opposite sex. I feel the same way but there are worse issues in my life such as childhood traumas which are never going to heal but having a girlfriend would be very beneficial to me since I believe I could overcome my traumas with her help. I am bad looking and short as well which pretty much dooms my chances. You are not alone.

im short as well and conventionally unattractive, my whole life ive always felt the greatest bliss when i was in love with a woman falling in love for the first time in 1st grade with a 5th grader. idk why or how but ive always been unhappy outside of a relationship and my one true desire is probably to love and be loved unconditionally, the loneliness ive gone along with for so long is impossible to get away from, and it just gets worse every time im inevitably plunged back in.

 

[Labyrinth]

im short as well and conventionally unattractive, my whole life ive always felt the greatest bliss when i was in love with a woman falling in love for the first time in 1st grade with a 5th grader. idk why or how but ive always been unhappy outside of a relationship and my one true desire is probably to love and be loved unconditionally, the loneliness ive gone along with for so long is impossible to get away from, and it just gets worse every time im inevitably plunged back in.

I believe that physical appearance is not the predominant factor that determines the beginning or absence of a relationship. In my case it was antisocialism

 

[doneforlife]

I would agree on that one.

Still, I do very much understand your feelings of loneliness and having nothing to live for.
Personally I have no desire for a romantic relationship, aka I'm asexual.
Yet I very much crave a deep emotional bond, I want someone who understands me and supports me.

But to me, the answer isn't a romantic relationship.
I realised that I have no need for that when all I want is trust, love and support, as friends can give you that as well.
In my opinion I'd even say that friends are better at fulfilling that role.

Partners often change a lot, often times having a partner is more about romance and being in love.
Yes, ideally over time that also means genuine emotional bonds but thats not normally the way it starts out.
In other words, while I do think a partner can fulfill that role, why take that detour when its easier to slowly learn to get along with a friend?

I also don't really have any goal for myself, any reason to live if it's just for myself.
My life has value by supporting my friends, thats what I live for and what makes me happy.

I think you should change your perspective slightly.
What you want might not necessarily have to be a romantic partner.
Something interesting my therapist told me when I was talking about me being asexual but still valuing close friends a lot is that according to her that's basically where long time partners end up at.
That passionate romantic hollywood experience is only how romantic relationships usually start out, but over time as you get to truly know your partner and form genuine emotional bonds and just feel about beeing with them as natural as you feel being with yourself, your pets or your family, or your best long term friends, your relationship is easier to compare to close friends.
You might have experienced people calling you and a friend "an old grandparents couple".

It is also difficult to be friends because they get married and have to deal with their personal life. I had long time great friends...and I lost all of them to marriage... lol. When you regularly are not in touch, it becomes more of an acquaintance, not friendship. Even I don't desire sex. But getting that one friend is also another herculean task.

And why should anyone be seen as a winner by society and "nature"? What does society do for you to make you want to please it so much? You're putting pressure on yourself to please something that doesn't give a damn about you.

It's not the lack of girlfriend that is causing you suffering, it's your thinking. You will remain miserable as long as you believe that dating/society judgment is essential for your well-being. Such mindset is self sabotage.

The human brain is too complex to be limited to basic instincts. Just the fact you want do die already goes against It. You don't need to follow them all. We are the most adaptable mammals for a reason.

Also I am at a loss of words to describe how much society influences your self worth . It's like it goes deep into your psyche. In this part of the world, teenage dalliances are shunned and you may end up never getting married if you were involved with someone before marriage. If this person has a job and no teenage entanglements , the person would be treated as a treasure. Not to mention for the exact same reasons , one finds oneself worthless in another part of the world. Society !.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I am 19 years old and I've never ever in my entire life touched even a hand of the opposite sex. I feel the same way but there are worse issues in my life such as childhood traumas which are never going to heal but having a girlfriend would be very beneficial to me since I believe I could overcome my traumas with her help. I am bad looking and short as well which pretty much dooms my chances. You are not alone.

19 is not old... you've got plenty of time. Your idea about relationships isn't realistic and will likely not meet your expectations though. Women are NOT emotional support robots and they're not there to fix you, and if you're going into a relationship expecting it to be about helping you overcome trauma, you should get a therapist instead, a literal professional trauma-overcomer assistant. Men seem to have this idea that women are so emotionally in-tune and empathetic, and yes, while they are taught to be by gender roles, there's no reason for them to solely carry the burden of that weight and no self-respecting woman will put up with a relationship that's more about teaching someone rather than mutual reciprocity. The only case where I see reciprocity being possible is when you're both mentally ill and struggling, but in that case it usually turns into attachment issues and just another problem added to your plate.

God, not another one of these threads...

LMAO

dating and sex are overrated. Almost every couples are unhappy or shallow. Most people end up happier alone.

Masturbation > sex if we're talking about sensation too...

No. Dating and sex are the main instincts of the human brain, together with hunger. They are things that must be experienced otherwise it cannot be called life.
A man not wanted by any woman is a total failure both for society and for nature.

Um, asexual and aromantic people exist and are doing just fine. This take is crazy given the amount of aroace people out there. More than statistics show too, given how queerness is still stigmatized.

 

[UglyInk]

Me too. But most people don't take you seriously or just call you an incel terrorist or laugh at you (even here on SS). Suicide because of uglynes is just as valid as assisted suicide for mentally ill people.

 

[Squalo]

Uhm, asexual and aromantic people exist and are doing just fine. This take is crazy given the amount of aroace people out there. More than statistics show too, given how queerness is still stigmatized.

Asexual and aromantic are not the norm, in these conditions I suffer and feel bad. Having someone to share your life and interests with is important for well-being and health, men are not meant to live alone.

 

[Labyrinth]

Asexual and aromantic are not the norm, in these conditions I suffer and feel bad. Having someone to share your life and interests with is important for well-being and health, men are not meant to live alone.

A coadjutor who was at your side experiencing the same reality

 

[SexyIncél]

19 is not old... you've got plenty of time. Your idea about relationships isn't realistic and will likely not meet your expectations though. Women are NOT emotional support robots and they're not there to fix you, and if you're going into a relationship expecting it to be about helping you overcome trauma, you should get a therapist instead, a literal professional trauma-overcomer assistant.

It can work, even if she's not mentally ill — but yeah, he's gotta provide things she greatly values. It's complicated. Helps if he's creative & looking for a muse to unlock his powers

But I suppose that's unlikely. 'tis a brutal world

At least I'm fine helping decent people overcome their traumas & providing emotional support. Because therapists fail miserably. I'm not all about increasing pleasure, I also enjoy decreasing suffering

 

[Squalo]

i understand that past conditioning can trap one inside their mind, but try to become aware of the fact that much of that is just a narrative your brain keeps telling itself, and you can't hope for anything once you're in a closed loop.

so getting back to the real world is key. if you can manage to do that, it is possible to find a girl that you like in less than 30 minutes.

if you are serious about investing time and energy in a relationship, all you need is "confidence" in the way you talk and communicate, which can be practiced. what is initially needed is a firm decision. you decide, and get into action, persistence will guarantee success.

It only takes 30 minutes to find a girl if you are handsome and rich, I am just a mediocre man always at the back of the line, I have never been anyone's choice.

I leave the house and where do I go? on the street alone to see couples kissing?
at work? in the factory where I work they are all married men.
My school friends have gone to other cities, I have no one now, and no one wants a lonely man.

Women don't like me, I'm short, I do a menial job and I've always led a solitary life.

I'm not going with a prostitute just because I need a car and I don't have one.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Asexual and aromantic are not the norm, in these conditions I suffer and feel bad. Having someone to share your life and interests with is important for well-being and health, men are not meant to live alone.

I don't think sex and dating are the only things that define company. I feel like you're putting too much weight on one social relationship, when you can branch out and share your life with a large friend circle for example. Personally, my significant other only makes up like 20% of my social life, and if they were gone I would still have others to share my life and interests with. It would be really uncomfortable for me, and I imagine a lot of people, if someone made me 100% of theirs. Also, you say that men aren't meant to live alone. Do you mean all people, or just men?

It only takes 30 minutes to find a girl if you are handsome and rich, I am just a mediocre man always at the back of the line, I have never been anyone's choice.

A golddigger is not gonna keep you company, care about you, and alleviate your loneliness in any way. A rich man is no leaps and bounds more successful in forming a genuine relationship to fulfill emotional needs.

 

[Squalo]

I don't want a circle of friends to go have a beer with, I already have those at work and they aren't enough.
All I want is just a woman who likes me. It's easy to underestimate the problem when you're engaged.

 

[steve021]

When I was younger, I didn't think I would ever be in a relationship with a woman. It happened anyway. Life is determined by strange forces. There is plenty you can do to get a girlfriend and experience sexuality. Once it happened to me, I realized it was never a problem I had. It was simply a reason to explain the pain, the intrinsic death wish.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

It can work, even if she's not mentally ill — but yeah, he's gotta provide things she greatly values. It's complicated. Helps if he's creative & looking for a muse to unlock his powers

But I suppose that's unlikely. 'tis a brutal world

At least I'm fine helping decent people overcome their traumas & providing emotional support. Because therapists fail miserably. I'm not all about increasing pleasure, I also enjoy decreasing suffering

What could this theoretical person greatly value do you think? To the level that she'd be willing to play emotional support body pillow for someone? I'm fine with helping people overcome their traumas too, but for those people I'd leave them strictly as friends. At least for me, romantic relationships are something for the purpose of building a life together, and a significant other can't contribute to being a life with someone else if they need someone to "save" them for their own life. With friends, it's okay because there's no expectation that it has to last forever, so if there's no progress in said person overcoming their trauma, you can end the friendship as soon as you please. And let's be honest, not everyone recovers from mental illness even if you give them unconditional support and love. Mental illness is really hard to recover from, so I don't blame the person suffering. I also don't blame the person not wanting to support anymore if that becomes the case. The reality is that supporting someone with mental illness for an extended period of time, only for them to not improve, is really tiring. Mood is contagious, and being around sad people will make you sadder too, and nobody wants to be sad.

 

[Squalo]

When I was younger, I didn't think I would ever be in a relationship with a woman. It happened anyway. Life is determined by strange forces. There is plenty you can do to get a girlfriend and experience sexuality. Once it happened to me, I realized it was never a problem I had. It was simply a reason to explain the pain, the intrinsic death wish.

Apparently, the strange forces of life want me to be alone.

 

[Labyrinth]

I don't want a circle of friends to go have a beer with, I already have those at work and they aren't enough.
All I want is just a woman who likes me. It's easy to underestimate the problem when you're engaged.

They don't understand our pain. The fact of not getting a woman reflects a lot on ourselves and has acquired a meaning beyond the woman herself: it is a symbol of overcoming and absolution

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I don't want a circle of friends to go have a beer with, I already have those at work and they aren't enough.
All I want is just a woman who likes me. It's easy to underestimate the problem when you're engaged.

That's a shallow friendship, but genuine friendships run deeper than going to bars and drinking. You can also find friends to be emotionally open with. You can find friends to do nerdy hobbies with. It's not exclusive to women that you're in a relationship with.

They don't understand our pain. The fact of not getting a woman reflects a lot on ourselves and has acquired a meaning beyond the woman herself: it is a symbol of overcoming and absolution

The odd part is that you accept this as a valid social norm instead of challenging it? Like, women used to only be valued based on their looks. But then social change came in and called bullshit. You don't have to accept a social standard as something that's necessary to adhere to. Like, basing your value based on the validation of other people sounds like a piss poor way to live.

 

[Labyrinth]

Apparently, the strange forces of life want me to be alone.

How many years have you wanted this? A lot of emotional charge accumulated in your unconscious