Im so very exhausted. Things should get better; I'm finally in my home country, back with my friends, family and people who love and care for me. I really thought it would get better. Things have been going downhill mentally since I got a job and gotten increasingly tired, my BPD symptons have worsened causing important friends to take a step back and my meds are no longer working. Then I got fired last week.
My father helps me financially and I live with family as my part time job income isn't enough to live independently. I should feel grateful that they are doing this for me in my very late 20's and I do, but all I can focus on is how much I dread having to find a job again. I don't think I can handle it. I'm saturated with my own thoughts and emotions on the daily. I feel defeated and hollow to a point it hurts me deeply.
Ever since I moved back to Peru I have developed a nicotine addiction, chainsmoking is probably one of the few things keeping me sane as I stroll the streets at night. I'm glad I'm back here, I'm so glad I don't live in the US anymore. This is my home and I'm so very glad to be here again. There's mo other place I'd want to die in.
I've been thinking about ctb more and more lately, only reason I haven't done anything about it is because I'm practically bedbound from depression. The thought of having to find a job again is sort of pushing me to consider it more seriously. God I'm just so tired :(
My father helps me financially and I live with family as my part time job income isn't enough to live independently. I should feel grateful that they are doing this for me in my very late 20's and I do, but all I can focus on is how much I dread having to find a job again. I don't think I can handle it. I'm saturated with my own thoughts and emotions on the daily. I feel defeated and hollow to a point it hurts me deeply.
Ever since I moved back to Peru I have developed a nicotine addiction, chainsmoking is probably one of the few things keeping me sane as I stroll the streets at night. I'm glad I'm back here, I'm so glad I don't live in the US anymore. This is my home and I'm so very glad to be here again. There's mo other place I'd want to die in.
I've been thinking about ctb more and more lately, only reason I haven't done anything about it is because I'm practically bedbound from depression. The thought of having to find a job again is sort of pushing me to consider it more seriously. God I'm just so tired :(
