Hello everyone,
My life is over and I'm only 27. In November I was living my best life but did have moderately bad anxiety. I was guinea pigged with different antipsychotics for help with anxiety for the next few months, which didn't make sense to me but I figured the doctor knows best.
In February I started having involuntary movements. My face would stick out and start grimacing. Then in March my arms would lift/contort on their own. I figured it was the meds and they weren't helping me anyway so I discontinued them. Didn't help.
Fast forward to now and my arms, neck, back, hands and legs contort and stiffen & I can't move for at least 2 hours a day. "Luckily" it's only 2 hours a day, unfortunately I have no clue when it's going to happen. It's been progressing so rapidly I'm afraid I'll end up permanently contorted like some people.
I was a social person and now I've lost almost all autonomy. I can't drive anymore, go out in public, socialize, date, get an office job, etc. I currently work remote and my job allows me the flexibility to step away for hours at a time at any random time but my employer is going under and I'm going to be laid off any day.
I moved back in with my parents and have to have someone with me at all times in case something happens. They can't stop it but help get me to the couch to position me in more comfortable positions and put pills in my mouth to help relax my muscles since I can't do it myself.
I've since learned I developed an extremely rare antipsychotic induced incurable neurological disorder called generalized dystonia. It seems as though I'm essentially housebound for the rest of my life and in pain from the muscle contractions.
I'm convinced suicide is the only option. I refuse to live like this, it's not living. More so just being alive. I've since attempted to hang myself via partial hanging more times than I can count and regardless of how determined I am to die, survival instinct always kicks in right before things go black and it pisses me off. I don't have an anchor point for full hanging or else I'd be gone. I don't know how else to do it.
I have read on here for months about SN and N. I'm not risking going to jail or back to a psych ward for trying to receive N, and have no clue where to get legit SN other than IC, who I also don't know who or what that is. I've looked online and idk which ones are the right ones to do the job. I see posts about people talking about testing it and being scared but idc I would just do the fasting, take the thing that helps you not vomit, pour it in the water or whatever and chug without hesitation if I knew what I had would kill me.
I've been at my breaking point, I just want to die. I have no access to a gun and can't buy one. I get nauseous at the site of blood so stabbing myself or slitting my wrists isn't an option. I would jump in a heartbeat but I'd need a family member to drive me to a destination which they wouldn't do. I can jump off the roof of our house but I'll just break my legs. Im almost to the point to where im willing to just empty the entire households medicine cabinets and go out suffering. I have a ton of Clonozepam and propranolol and my mom has a 90 day supply of 200mg seroquel. I think that combo would maybe kill me or put me into psychosis or a coma. I'm fine with a coma. My only concern is ending up back in the psych ward or doing even more irreparable damage to my body to where I won't even be able to kill myself.
I will not accept this as my life and I will find a way out. If you read all this, thanks! Idk where else to talk about it and everyone here seems friendly.
My life is over and I'm only 27. In November I was living my best life but did have moderately bad anxiety. I was guinea pigged with different antipsychotics for help with anxiety for the next few months, which didn't make sense to me but I figured the doctor knows best.
In February I started having involuntary movements. My face would stick out and start grimacing. Then in March my arms would lift/contort on their own. I figured it was the meds and they weren't helping me anyway so I discontinued them. Didn't help.
Fast forward to now and my arms, neck, back, hands and legs contort and stiffen & I can't move for at least 2 hours a day. "Luckily" it's only 2 hours a day, unfortunately I have no clue when it's going to happen. It's been progressing so rapidly I'm afraid I'll end up permanently contorted like some people.
I was a social person and now I've lost almost all autonomy. I can't drive anymore, go out in public, socialize, date, get an office job, etc. I currently work remote and my job allows me the flexibility to step away for hours at a time at any random time but my employer is going under and I'm going to be laid off any day.
I moved back in with my parents and have to have someone with me at all times in case something happens. They can't stop it but help get me to the couch to position me in more comfortable positions and put pills in my mouth to help relax my muscles since I can't do it myself.
I've since learned I developed an extremely rare antipsychotic induced incurable neurological disorder called generalized dystonia. It seems as though I'm essentially housebound for the rest of my life and in pain from the muscle contractions.
I'm convinced suicide is the only option. I refuse to live like this, it's not living. More so just being alive. I've since attempted to hang myself via partial hanging more times than I can count and regardless of how determined I am to die, survival instinct always kicks in right before things go black and it pisses me off. I don't have an anchor point for full hanging or else I'd be gone. I don't know how else to do it.
I have read on here for months about SN and N. I'm not risking going to jail or back to a psych ward for trying to receive N, and have no clue where to get legit SN other than IC, who I also don't know who or what that is. I've looked online and idk which ones are the right ones to do the job. I see posts about people talking about testing it and being scared but idc I would just do the fasting, take the thing that helps you not vomit, pour it in the water or whatever and chug without hesitation if I knew what I had would kill me.
I've been at my breaking point, I just want to die. I have no access to a gun and can't buy one. I get nauseous at the site of blood so stabbing myself or slitting my wrists isn't an option. I would jump in a heartbeat but I'd need a family member to drive me to a destination which they wouldn't do. I can jump off the roof of our house but I'll just break my legs. Im almost to the point to where im willing to just empty the entire households medicine cabinets and go out suffering. I have a ton of Clonozepam and propranolol and my mom has a 90 day supply of 200mg seroquel. I think that combo would maybe kill me or put me into psychosis or a coma. I'm fine with a coma. My only concern is ending up back in the psych ward or doing even more irreparable damage to my body to where I won't even be able to kill myself.
I will not accept this as my life and I will find a way out. If you read all this, thanks! Idk where else to talk about it and everyone here seems friendly.
i hope this forum will indeed be the safe space you think it is!! for me it definitely is, never received this much love and patience outside this forum
