Venting I just want to eat

[willitpass]

I'm hungry. At least I think I am. My body is so fucked anymore I can't tell what's physiological hunger and what's just my mind obsessing over food. I'm nauseous but I want to eat a meal for 5. But I can't. But I want to. I need to. But I'm not supposed to. I have to wait because I've gained too much weight. But I can't do anything but think about food and obsessively shop door dash and spend hours debating if I should press order or not. I just want to eat. And then when I do eat it hurts. And I feel guilty every time. Yet I still do it anyways because I'm a weak sack of shit. If I really wanted to lose weight so bad I wouldn't be such a disgusting pig. I just want to die. I just want to eat. I don't want to exist.

 

[Time4Peace]

Can you try to eat more lean food? Probably you will like to eat the foods that you love, so do it if you suffer too much...

Last summer I didn't eat for 13 days and didn't drink for two days.
I shed a lot of weight, but it all came back, more or less...

 

[Forveleth]

Sounds like you're using food as an unhealthy coping mechanism. As an emotional eater, can relate. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? If not a therapist at least a friend?

As a small first step, try to switch out the foods you're eating for lower calories versions. Get diet sodas instead of sugary ones. Get grilled chicken instead of fried. Take the option for the healthier side dish if there is one.

After that, try to find some way to distract yourself with someone other than food. Color, watch videos, do a simple craft, go for a walk. For me, sitting idle is what drives me to eat. When I want food, I try to go do something else for say, 30 minutes. If I'm still hungry after 30 minutes of doing something else then I get food. But if you're not really hungry, after 30 minutes of distraction, you're body kind of gives up on food.

It does sound like it's becoming a problem though and I highly recommend you seek professional help.

 

[willitpass]

Sounds like you're using food as an unhealthy coping mechanism. As an emotional eater, can relate. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? If not a therapist at least a friend?

As a small first step, try to switch out the foods you're eating for lower calories versions. Get diet sodas instead of sugary ones. Get grilled chicken instead of fried. Take the option for the healthier side dish if there is one.

After that, try to find some way to distract yourself with someone other than food. Color, watch videos, do a simple craft, go for a walk. For me, sitting idle is what drives me to eat. When I want food, I try to go do something else for say, 30 minutes. If I'm still hungry after 30 minutes of doing something else then I get food. But if you're not really hungry, after 30 minutes of distraction, you're body kind of gives up on food.

It does sound like it's becoming a problem though and I highly recommend you seek professional help.

I'm anorexic. I fantasise about food but don't actually eat it. And when I do eat it is usually diet foods that are low calorie. When I "binge" it's usually a normal amount of food but I hate myself for it regardless. And there isn't any professional help I haven't already tried.

 

[Ash]

We're here for you xx

 

[Forveleth]

I'm anorexic. I fantasise about food but don't actually eat it. And when I do eat it is usually diet foods that are low calorie. When I "binge" it's usually a normal amount of food but I hate myself for it regardless. And there isn't any professional help I haven't already tried.

Ah, I see. I'm sorry the professional help hasn't done anything for you.

 

[willitpass]

I caved and ordered food. I was so embarrassed when it arrived because it came in such a big bag and with multiple sets of silverware because it was enough for three. I ate one grilled cheese, half a tomato soup, some fries, and one desert bite. A normal amount go food. The rest went right into the fridge. Yet I feel beyond disgusted with myself. I feel like such a failure. I hate my mind.

 

[Ash]

You're not a failure. And you'd say the same to anyone else on the forum. Your thoughts and knowledge are worth so much to us here. I know that won't mean anything at the moment. Xx

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. Eating disorders are so painful and so stubborn.

Hummingbirds have to constantly eat and they're still seen as symbols of grace and beauty. You are a hummingbird.

 

[thenamingofcats]

Out of all the specialities in psych, eating disorder treatment has to be the worst. I've never heard an e.d. specialist say anything I couldn't have read out of a beginner textbook. It's definitely the most prescriptive, shallow thinking part of the entire psych field. People with these issues deserve so much better.

 

[Linda]

I'm hungry. At least I think I am. My body is so fucked anymore I can't tell what's physiological hunger and what's just my mind obsessing over food. I'm nauseous but I want to eat a meal for 5. But I can't. But I want to. I need to. But I'm not supposed to. I have to wait because I've gained too much weight. But I can't do anything but think about food and obsessively shop door dash and spend hours debating if I should press order or not. I just want to eat. And then when I do eat it hurts. And I feel guilty every time. Yet I still do it anyways because I'm a weak sack of shit. If I really wanted to lose weight so bad I wouldn't be such a disgusting pig. I just want to die. I just want to eat. I don't want to exist.

Do you have a partner?

 

[AllMyDreams]

I caved and ordered food. I was so embarrassed when it arrived because it came in such a big bag and with multiple sets of silverware because it was enough for three. I ate one grilled cheese, half a tomato soup, some fries, and one desert bite. A normal amount go food. The rest went right into the fridge. Yet I feel beyond disgusted with myself. I feel like such a failure. I hate my mind.

Not only did you order food, but you were able to eat a normal amount. Keep that up if you can. Be gentle on yourself and savor this moment as a moment where you battled your demons and won.

I don't have an eating disorder but I struggle with overeating. One cookie turns into the whole box within a few minutes. So just the fact that you can avoid that is awesome

 

[willitpass]

Do you have a partner?

No. And every time I consider reaching out to someone to help me eat, even if it's just asking them to go out with me and not telling them the reason, I feel like such a burden.

 

[Linda]

No. And every time I consider reaching out to someone to help me eat, even if it's just asking them to go out with me and not telling them the reason, I feel like such a burden.

From what you have said, it sounds to me as though you need to get out into the world and meet a lot more people. Don't expect anything in particular. Don't feel like a burden because if you are not expecting anything much from people you can't be a burden to them. Eventually, you will meet a few people who become more than just casual acquaintances i.e. they will become friends. You can open up a bit to friends, but don't over-do it. Eventually one of those friends will become your partner, and you can open up more.
Don't over think this. Just get out into the world, and let events take their course.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Giving advice about how to curb mental hunger and/or binging to someone with an ED is like telling someone who's suffocating to stop thinking about breathing so much, or telling someone who's dehydrated to stop glugging water.

You've deprived yourself of one of the most basic human needs for a long time and your body's going to fight back eventually, even though we like to try to convince ourselves that we have transcended beyond the need for food. Your mental hunger/food obsession and your ""binges"" happen because your body needs food, and a lot of it, way more than a "normal" person would need (back to the water analogy, you wouldn't expect someone who was dehydrated to just have a normal amount of water and be satisfied). That doesn't make you disgusting or a slob or a failure, it just means that you're a biological organism. It doesn't matter how much weight you've already gained; chronic restriction takes a hell of a lot of calories, rest, and time, to repair. And that's just the physical aspect, nevermind the mental part. (See this testimony from one of the participants of the Minnesota Starvation Experiment. TW for numbers/images).

Be easy on yourself for any perceived transgressions of your ED rules. We are playing with fire, after all.

 

[willitpass]

From what you have said, it sounds to me as though you need to get out into the world and meet a lot more people. Don't expect anything in particular. Don't feel like a burden because if you are not expecting anything much from people you can't be a burden to them. Eventually, you will meet a few people who become more than just casual acquaintances i.e. they will become friends. You can open up a bit to friends, but don't over-do it. Eventually one of those friends will become your partner, and you can open up more.
Don't over think this. Just get out into the world, and let events take their course.

I have a job, I am in college. I have friends and family, ones who I can open up to, just not a partner. I am not looking for a partner because I fully intend on dying. When? I'm not sure. Could be next week, hopefully it'll be within the next year, who knows, it could be in a decade. But I don't think a partner is going to be what saves me after a lifetime of struggling. I've had one before, it was a lovely relationship. But it did not stop my demons.