Hi guys. I've been here before but lost my username and can't find it for the life of me. Interacted with a few people here, including a trans kid from Saudi who was having a hard time (from discord) - hope you're ok out there.
So essentially I completely blew up my life through gambling addiction. Had everything, good salary/career, own place, wife, money in bank etc.
Got addicted to crypto trading and stole from my employer over a 2 year period. Came clean to ceo in late 2020. My family helped replace what I'd taken.
Lost my career, got divorced, had to move back in with my parents.
Last few years have been very painful. I'm 41 now. I've had periods where I thought it would work out. I tried to continue trading - it's a skill after all. And I've had periods of success. But the pressure I find myself under is too great - trying to grind myself out of this hole seems impossible. And under that pressure trading becomes infinitely more difficult.
In the meantime I've applied for hundreds of jobs. Things way beneath my experience level, just to get a job, but no one wants to hire me. I can't go back to what I did before (I was cfo) as I lost my qualification and referencing would be impossible.
In one of the windows where things were good I got into a long distance relationship. Which was a huge mistake. I pretended that things were better than they were. It felt amazing to be connected with her. But she saw my depression and stepped back. That was almost a year ago now.
I cant carry on living like this. I don't see a future worth living.
I joined today because I thought I was ready to die. I went to find the bbq charcoal but it doesn't seem to be anywhere. Maybe my parents threw it out. Maybe they suspected I might use it, as they know I've been feeling suicidal. Incidentally the last time I saw it the chimney starter was ok the side in the house, so I suspect my parents may have hidden it.
I don't want to hang myself.
If there was an easy way to poison myself I'd probably do it today.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably drink and go to sleep.
So essentially I completely blew up my life through gambling addiction. Had everything, good salary/career, own place, wife, money in bank etc.
Got addicted to crypto trading and stole from my employer over a 2 year period. Came clean to ceo in late 2020. My family helped replace what I'd taken.
Lost my career, got divorced, had to move back in with my parents.
Last few years have been very painful. I'm 41 now. I've had periods where I thought it would work out. I tried to continue trading - it's a skill after all. And I've had periods of success. But the pressure I find myself under is too great - trying to grind myself out of this hole seems impossible. And under that pressure trading becomes infinitely more difficult.
In the meantime I've applied for hundreds of jobs. Things way beneath my experience level, just to get a job, but no one wants to hire me. I can't go back to what I did before (I was cfo) as I lost my qualification and referencing would be impossible.
In one of the windows where things were good I got into a long distance relationship. Which was a huge mistake. I pretended that things were better than they were. It felt amazing to be connected with her. But she saw my depression and stepped back. That was almost a year ago now.
I cant carry on living like this. I don't see a future worth living.
I joined today because I thought I was ready to die. I went to find the bbq charcoal but it doesn't seem to be anywhere. Maybe my parents threw it out. Maybe they suspected I might use it, as they know I've been feeling suicidal. Incidentally the last time I saw it the chimney starter was ok the side in the house, so I suspect my parents may have hidden it.
I don't want to hang myself.
If there was an easy way to poison myself I'd probably do it today.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably drink and go to sleep.
