i’m done pretending to survive

[sadboihours]

I'm 31 and I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I've tried 4 times and failed. I've never seen the point in being alive, and live just for the people around me. It's not fair. Why do I have to suffer and feel like this? Why can't i decide when to end my life? I recently found out my boyfriend had been hiding a wife from me. I'm disgusted and sickened. It's the first time I've let alone in for years. I had doubts, so many time, and I feel fucking stupid for letting him manipulate and gaslight me. He even posed as his wife on social media to convince me they weren't together. I sit all day, remembering things and putting the pieces together and i need it to stop. I will never trust anyone again. I will never love again. I miscarried his baby. We were meant to buy a house together. I'm done. This was the last straw. I feel like my life is just horrible thing after horrible thing. It's not gotten any better after 16 years, why would it now?

So I'm ranting here because I don't want anyone to know what I'm going to do.

I've decided to wait until everyone thinks i'd reasonably be asleep and hang myself. I tried to OD before but 15 years of addiction to various drugs makes you pretty sturdy.

I hope my family can forgive me. I hope they understand my selfish decision.

I hope I'm strong enough to do it this time.

 

[Aren]

I'm 31 and I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I've tried 4 times and failed. I've never seen the point in being alive, and live just for the people around me. It's not fair. Why do I have to suffer and feel like this? Why can't i decide when to end my life? I recently found out my boyfriend had been hiding a wife from me. I'm disgusted and sickened. It's the first time I've let alone in for years. I had doubts, so many time, and I feel fucking stupid for letting him manipulate and gaslight me. He even posed as his wife on social media to convince me they weren't together. I sit all day, remembering things and putting the pieces together and i need it to stop. I will never trust anyone again. I will never love again. I miscarried his baby. We were meant to buy a house together. I'm done. This was the last straw. I feel like my life is just horrible thing after horrible thing. It's not gotten any better after 16 years, why would it now?

So I'm ranting here because I don't want anyone to know what I'm going to do.

I've decided to wait until everyone thinks i'd reasonably be asleep and hang myself. I tried to OD before but 15 years of addiction to various drugs makes you pretty sturdy.

I hope my family can forgive me. I hope they understand my selfish decision.

I hope I'm strong enough to do it this time.

I am so sorry for you, trust is really precious and some people just throw away this trust. You are brave for what you went through. I hope you will find peace. It's hard to live with a meaning when you gave your life to someone who betrayed you after all these years. I really understand, it needs to be strong and prepare for what you plan to do.
I think some people can be trustworthy, but they are rare.

I wish you peace No matter what choice you make.

 

[Estrella87]

I feel sad to read this. I hope you find some comfort here and take the time for your decision.

 

[FF777]

You shouldn't feel too stupid, because you are supposed to be able to trust a person you are in a relationship with especially if married.. what i would feel in that situation is extreme anger.... would really piss me off that he is such a weak cowardly little weasel that thinks he has to do all that convoluted stuff instead of have the balls to stay honest about what is really going on even if it is some thing heart-breaking.. it just shows how weak he is.. a strong person wouldn't feel the need to do all that stupid crap and play ridiculous games like that.. who has time for all that crud..