lekomania
Member
- Nov 27, 2023
- 14
TW, abusive relationship? SA, poisoning
I'm so tired of how he treats me.
Broken promises, lies, constant screaming at me.
It breaks my heart. We were supposed to be happy with each other.
I can't even tell right now, if he is manipulating me, or if i made this all up.
If he is, why is he doing this to me?
I've started taking bupropion and lamotrygnine.
They also prescribed me some diazepam.
When they found out how he treats me.
And life isn't perfect, but i'm coping
i'm actually better, but i feel like he is the only reason i want to die.
And i feel so fucking guilty about this. Sure, i have bad thoughts, about my past, or this fucking enourmous debt i have right now, but lately i'm good at being optimistic. I'ts just like he messes me up.
Why is he doing this?
Our anniverssary is in 4 days.
He lied and hurt me yesterday.
He hid the fact, that he is meeting up with one friend.
Why is this an issue? First, he hid it. Lied to me. Told me about this only after i told him i can go with him to drive around the city. That he already has plans with this piece of shit. I liked this friend. Until he told my partner, after I was molested, that i probably jumped on the monsters' dick. And that he won't say sorry until i prove it. How the fuck would i prove it?
Why is he friends with him? At first he was the one that said, he isn't going to contact him. And now they drink together like it didn't happen.
I need to run away...
I'm so, so tired.....
That was yesterday. Today I woke up to kisses, hugs, "i love you's" and lots of positive attention.
He drove me to my 11 hour shift.
Then, when we almost arrived, he asked me what's wrong. I said i didn't want him to scream again, that I don't want to argue.
He said, "then the fact that you can't communicate is on you".
I started crying. Crocodile tears. I told him about my feelings, and guess what - he started raising his voice at me, making excuses, saying terrible things to me.
This fucked me up so bad i didn't go to work.
We went to pharmacy for my meds, and I cried for 2 hours straight.
I'm still crying. He acts like everything is fine.
He said- "i would cut him off, if you cut off your best friend".
So i blocked her, the only person that I value so much in my life. She did horibble things to me, but that was 12 years ago, she apologized for it, and since then she was my only real friend.
But he said that he won't cut him off until he sees i actually don't text her. I said, how long is it going to take? That i'm thinking about hurting myself, that i think about suicide because of this, that i obssesively tworry about this. He said he will see after he makes sure i don't text her.
I really can't do this anymore. Bought razors. Thinking about obtaining hemlock. It's not a pretty death, but there is not something such as pretty death. It's always fucking awful.
I'm so tired of how he treats me.
Broken promises, lies, constant screaming at me.
It breaks my heart. We were supposed to be happy with each other.
I can't even tell right now, if he is manipulating me, or if i made this all up.
If he is, why is he doing this to me?
I've started taking bupropion and lamotrygnine.
They also prescribed me some diazepam.
When they found out how he treats me.
And life isn't perfect, but i'm coping
i'm actually better, but i feel like he is the only reason i want to die.
And i feel so fucking guilty about this. Sure, i have bad thoughts, about my past, or this fucking enourmous debt i have right now, but lately i'm good at being optimistic. I'ts just like he messes me up.
Why is he doing this?
Our anniverssary is in 4 days.
He lied and hurt me yesterday.
He hid the fact, that he is meeting up with one friend.
Why is this an issue? First, he hid it. Lied to me. Told me about this only after i told him i can go with him to drive around the city. That he already has plans with this piece of shit. I liked this friend. Until he told my partner, after I was molested, that i probably jumped on the monsters' dick. And that he won't say sorry until i prove it. How the fuck would i prove it?
Why is he friends with him? At first he was the one that said, he isn't going to contact him. And now they drink together like it didn't happen.
I need to run away...
I'm so, so tired.....
That was yesterday. Today I woke up to kisses, hugs, "i love you's" and lots of positive attention.
He drove me to my 11 hour shift.
Then, when we almost arrived, he asked me what's wrong. I said i didn't want him to scream again, that I don't want to argue.
He said, "then the fact that you can't communicate is on you".
I started crying. Crocodile tears. I told him about my feelings, and guess what - he started raising his voice at me, making excuses, saying terrible things to me.
This fucked me up so bad i didn't go to work.
We went to pharmacy for my meds, and I cried for 2 hours straight.
I'm still crying. He acts like everything is fine.
He said- "i would cut him off, if you cut off your best friend".
So i blocked her, the only person that I value so much in my life. She did horibble things to me, but that was 12 years ago, she apologized for it, and since then she was my only real friend.
But he said that he won't cut him off until he sees i actually don't text her. I said, how long is it going to take? That i'm thinking about hurting myself, that i think about suicide because of this, that i obssesively tworry about this. He said he will see after he makes sure i don't text her.
I really can't do this anymore. Bought razors. Thinking about obtaining hemlock. It's not a pretty death, but there is not something such as pretty death. It's always fucking awful.
