LonelyIsTheMuse
Member
- Jun 26, 2026
- 7
Man I really have made a habit of whining on here, it's been awhile since I've thrown out my emotional garbage in a place this populated. But it is kinda comforting to know that I can talk about my issues without anyone knowing who I really am.
In person or with people you do know, there is always that need to be measured, like even in my misery I need to be so carefully curated as to not offend. And not only, if you don't do as you say to improve your situation, you feel like all those people you told are breathing down your neck, waiting to see what you will do, ready to say you've not done anything at all.
I mean, I would say some mentally ill people definitely get stuck in victimhood a lot more than necessary, not sure if that's something I can say here but, I have been there and I know how irritating it can be for those who have to deal with it. I think I've largely jumped over that part of myself and I'm very proactive in improvement. Buuut, some things remain very difficult for me, like ending relationship and friendships
Which is precisely what I came here to talk about, tangent aside.
If anyone finds themselves stumbling here from some of my previous posts, you would know I mentioned my trouble with relationships quite a lot, I think it's one of the biggest hurdles in my life.
I don't quite know what my exact problem is, but I often get stuck in romantic relationships where I'm clearly unhappy and incompatible with the person, but breaking up feels as difficult as making myself jump off a cliff or something.
Yes, I've explored limerance and obsessions and attachment styles and ruminating and ADHD symptoms that affect interpersonal relationships andddd emotional dystegulation patterns and whatever else you might think is related to this.
In my head, I do well. In practice - not so much. I have noticed I have a sort of fawning response to these things.
I'm in a very weird situation right now. Been seeing this guy since I wanna say March. At first it seemed like a perfect match, you know how it goes, though I've been through enough garbage to know to keep my eyes open. But, all things considered, thought he was a safe option, very good friend of my ex whom I'm on great terms with, comes from a good friend group, a lot of which I personally know, known him for over a year, seemed like a troubled guy, but who isn't in this day and age, right? It did pass my head that I probably shouldn't go for him, not only because he's a friend of my ex and I don't like being a homie hopper though it's kinda common in their friend group since it's MASSIVE (anyhow they did talk it through before anything), but also because of his mental instability and some of his views, it felt like we might be incompatible due to some things he shared to me, but boy do I love ignoring these types of things and thinking that everything can be worked through.
Well, nothing could've prepared me for any of it.
At the start of it all, I got cold feet about it all once, he helped me through it, made him seem like a real dependable and sweet guy.
Wellll, I was kinda wrong. Then, he fucked up. Real bad. I'm talking a sexual incident, maybe you get the point without full details.
He was immediately apologetic, I was pissed off, stormed off. After some time and talks with mutual friends, I thought, he didn't do it on purpose, I think I could forgive him. Well, there he went on a whole spiel how he's undeserving, how he doesn't understand how I processed it so fast, how I can offer him forgiveness, how he's not suited for relationships, how if we continued it'd feel forced, I don't know what else, a whole of destructions and self-destruction. It almost felt like I was begging HIM for a second chance.
He even lied that he didn't like me anymore.
I was utterly crushed but persistent. I felt abandoned. He was crushed and utterly avoidant. Don't know why that didn't make me give up, I look back now and I see clearly my feelings got ahead of me. But even then I kinda knew it's probably a bad choice, I just didn't want to be alone more than anything at the time.
Anyway more talks for me and him from mutual friends and we fixed things, I guess.
Since then this guy has been so volatile. Showers me with gifts and attention for as long as we're together, then minds his business the remainder of the time. Huge issue with initiating hangouts, which I had a big problem with. I gotta say I got too mean and he responded with trying to break up with me which was so sudden, because he hadn't properly confronted me about it at any point. We had a confrontation so bad that I ended up vomitting from the stress, that's never happened in my life ever before. Somehow patched up again, I think I regret doing that, once again. I just hate being in and out of relationships. "Well, who forced you?" I guess the crippling loneliness that friends don't exactly always fill.
Anyway, confided in some friends, they told me I should dump him or at the very least have a very stern talking with him, after a more detailed retelling of the events above. Some are friends of both of us but they fully said he was treating me badly.
Somehow I still really wanted to make this work.
Then came the last two weeks. I generally hold the belief that if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way and I don't like to needlessly worry about it, plus, at the cost of definitely sounding vain, I know I'm attractive enough that I can recover from that quickly and pay my dues almost immediately. I can play those games, if I must. And I know that that behaviour is more so a reflection of them than of me.
Anyway, I'm aware that other attractive people exist and I'm okay with commenting on that as long as it doesn't cross reasonable limits. We were both at different festivals at the end of the month because we booked them way before we were together. No problem. He lets me know a mutual friend scolded him on some comments he made, bless her soul. One of them was truly harmless. The other situation was that he quite literally had some girl obviously flirt with him, he didn't directly reject her, exchanged Instagrams and avoided her the rest of the night. I've been in similar situations, at first it was whatever. Then, "can't lie, she was cute" ?? are you normal
It's kinda flattering when someone hits on your partner and he's witnessed that on my end a lot of times as well but
I've never, NOT ONCE, said "he was cute".
Later, we were at a birthday party where everyone knows everyone, nothing too massive. Again, kept being touchy-feely with his long-term female friend. At first, no issue, cause it was silly stuff like spinning her in the air sideways, seemed fun, was ok with it. It's not abnormal to be touchy-feely with friends of the opposite sex where I'm from. I've also done it.
But then, she figured she'd sit in his lap, though immediately she got up. Now that's when I began getting irritated. Then, he went off in a corner to chill, she went to him, I noticed them being touchy-feely from across the room and so did 2 other friends, who began encouraging me to confront him.
After some time he began fixing her hair. Well, I boiled over at that point, I kept a cool demeanor though and I led him outside to talk, explained everything, he was very apologetic and understanding and all that, all the perfect responses. Only part that was weird was that he claimed she wasn't flirting, when she very clearly was and not only with him.
Closed that issue after that, if you will, but I didn't forget it.
Anyway, had a bad health issue recently and I had my reasons to avoid going to the doctor. Overall, had a very stressful and exhausting week, donated blood, was quite worn down physically. That's when he decides that instead of providing comfort, he will debate me on what it means to be "avoidant of doctors" as we were having a conversation about my health issue. Mind you, I started the conversation with the fact that I'm very unwell that day. Got into an argument, both said some petty things, I drew some boundaries and both apologised for some things. I know he likes taking his time away after stressful stuff to regulate, told him no issue with that in my last reply. Well, didn't think I wouldn't hear a peep for another 24 hours and that our plans would suddenly be cancelled without any notice. Talked to him about it very carefully and with a lot of understanding, at first he was defensive but then he did apologise. At this point, I was already quite fed up with this whole relationship, but I was like, you know, the guy is clearly trying. And I'm not perfect either. He came over after to check on me and spend the night and everything, definitely not the behaviour of someone that doesn't care.
But I already felt myself slipping throughout that night. Things just didn't sit well with me, that's when I came here to post for the first time though I barely touched on all of this then.
Then, yesterday, we argued over a stupid game - Palworld, for those familiar. He didn't wait for me to get on, which wouldn't really be a problem if you don't start from zero each new save and I really had to try hard to catch up in levels so we can do stuff together. But I was like, you know, fair, he's new to the game, whatever. Then he got very demanding that I shouldn't touch the way things were built by him and it's not like I was knocking down huge chunks or anything, I was just managing the base in a more sustainable and orderly fashion so it'd be easier to use when we advance, totally practical choices most of the time, but he kept complaining about it. Then, I kept asking him for help in different things which he ignored a lot of times etc etc, then he kept exploring without me and did the boss battle without me. You know, I'm no micro-manager, but what's the point of playing together if we're doing almost none of it together? And I mean, I get being new but at this point I'm sure you get this isn't exactly about the game. Anyway, huge argument over something so stupid, he started yelling at me and later so did I, neither of us went to sleep satisfied. He likes to bring up how "his opinion never matters" whenever I disagree with him or voice that something he did wasn't the greatest, I've gotten quite tired of it.
Anyway, I wonder if you can guess than I haven't heard of him in nearly 24 hours again though I can't lie I'm also avoiding him at this point, if he ever did reach out, which I doubt.
It's really taking a nosedive and I think that if I don't end it, he will.
Anyway, wow nearly 2000 words, I'd be surprised if anyone actually reads this shit and bothers to respond. It is enough to get it off my chest honestly, but if you respond - thanks!
In person or with people you do know, there is always that need to be measured, like even in my misery I need to be so carefully curated as to not offend. And not only, if you don't do as you say to improve your situation, you feel like all those people you told are breathing down your neck, waiting to see what you will do, ready to say you've not done anything at all.
I mean, I would say some mentally ill people definitely get stuck in victimhood a lot more than necessary, not sure if that's something I can say here but, I have been there and I know how irritating it can be for those who have to deal with it. I think I've largely jumped over that part of myself and I'm very proactive in improvement. Buuut, some things remain very difficult for me, like ending relationship and friendships
Which is precisely what I came here to talk about, tangent aside.
If anyone finds themselves stumbling here from some of my previous posts, you would know I mentioned my trouble with relationships quite a lot, I think it's one of the biggest hurdles in my life.
I don't quite know what my exact problem is, but I often get stuck in romantic relationships where I'm clearly unhappy and incompatible with the person, but breaking up feels as difficult as making myself jump off a cliff or something.
Yes, I've explored limerance and obsessions and attachment styles and ruminating and ADHD symptoms that affect interpersonal relationships andddd emotional dystegulation patterns and whatever else you might think is related to this.
In my head, I do well. In practice - not so much. I have noticed I have a sort of fawning response to these things.
I'm in a very weird situation right now. Been seeing this guy since I wanna say March. At first it seemed like a perfect match, you know how it goes, though I've been through enough garbage to know to keep my eyes open. But, all things considered, thought he was a safe option, very good friend of my ex whom I'm on great terms with, comes from a good friend group, a lot of which I personally know, known him for over a year, seemed like a troubled guy, but who isn't in this day and age, right? It did pass my head that I probably shouldn't go for him, not only because he's a friend of my ex and I don't like being a homie hopper though it's kinda common in their friend group since it's MASSIVE (anyhow they did talk it through before anything), but also because of his mental instability and some of his views, it felt like we might be incompatible due to some things he shared to me, but boy do I love ignoring these types of things and thinking that everything can be worked through.
Well, nothing could've prepared me for any of it.
At the start of it all, I got cold feet about it all once, he helped me through it, made him seem like a real dependable and sweet guy.
Wellll, I was kinda wrong. Then, he fucked up. Real bad. I'm talking a sexual incident, maybe you get the point without full details.
He was immediately apologetic, I was pissed off, stormed off. After some time and talks with mutual friends, I thought, he didn't do it on purpose, I think I could forgive him. Well, there he went on a whole spiel how he's undeserving, how he doesn't understand how I processed it so fast, how I can offer him forgiveness, how he's not suited for relationships, how if we continued it'd feel forced, I don't know what else, a whole of destructions and self-destruction. It almost felt like I was begging HIM for a second chance.
He even lied that he didn't like me anymore.
I was utterly crushed but persistent. I felt abandoned. He was crushed and utterly avoidant. Don't know why that didn't make me give up, I look back now and I see clearly my feelings got ahead of me. But even then I kinda knew it's probably a bad choice, I just didn't want to be alone more than anything at the time.
Anyway more talks for me and him from mutual friends and we fixed things, I guess.
Since then this guy has been so volatile. Showers me with gifts and attention for as long as we're together, then minds his business the remainder of the time. Huge issue with initiating hangouts, which I had a big problem with. I gotta say I got too mean and he responded with trying to break up with me which was so sudden, because he hadn't properly confronted me about it at any point. We had a confrontation so bad that I ended up vomitting from the stress, that's never happened in my life ever before. Somehow patched up again, I think I regret doing that, once again. I just hate being in and out of relationships. "Well, who forced you?" I guess the crippling loneliness that friends don't exactly always fill.
Anyway, confided in some friends, they told me I should dump him or at the very least have a very stern talking with him, after a more detailed retelling of the events above. Some are friends of both of us but they fully said he was treating me badly.
Somehow I still really wanted to make this work.
Then came the last two weeks. I generally hold the belief that if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way and I don't like to needlessly worry about it, plus, at the cost of definitely sounding vain, I know I'm attractive enough that I can recover from that quickly and pay my dues almost immediately. I can play those games, if I must. And I know that that behaviour is more so a reflection of them than of me.
Anyway, I'm aware that other attractive people exist and I'm okay with commenting on that as long as it doesn't cross reasonable limits. We were both at different festivals at the end of the month because we booked them way before we were together. No problem. He lets me know a mutual friend scolded him on some comments he made, bless her soul. One of them was truly harmless. The other situation was that he quite literally had some girl obviously flirt with him, he didn't directly reject her, exchanged Instagrams and avoided her the rest of the night. I've been in similar situations, at first it was whatever. Then, "can't lie, she was cute" ?? are you normal
It's kinda flattering when someone hits on your partner and he's witnessed that on my end a lot of times as well but
I've never, NOT ONCE, said "he was cute".
Later, we were at a birthday party where everyone knows everyone, nothing too massive. Again, kept being touchy-feely with his long-term female friend. At first, no issue, cause it was silly stuff like spinning her in the air sideways, seemed fun, was ok with it. It's not abnormal to be touchy-feely with friends of the opposite sex where I'm from. I've also done it.
But then, she figured she'd sit in his lap, though immediately she got up. Now that's when I began getting irritated. Then, he went off in a corner to chill, she went to him, I noticed them being touchy-feely from across the room and so did 2 other friends, who began encouraging me to confront him.
After some time he began fixing her hair. Well, I boiled over at that point, I kept a cool demeanor though and I led him outside to talk, explained everything, he was very apologetic and understanding and all that, all the perfect responses. Only part that was weird was that he claimed she wasn't flirting, when she very clearly was and not only with him.
Closed that issue after that, if you will, but I didn't forget it.
Anyway, had a bad health issue recently and I had my reasons to avoid going to the doctor. Overall, had a very stressful and exhausting week, donated blood, was quite worn down physically. That's when he decides that instead of providing comfort, he will debate me on what it means to be "avoidant of doctors" as we were having a conversation about my health issue. Mind you, I started the conversation with the fact that I'm very unwell that day. Got into an argument, both said some petty things, I drew some boundaries and both apologised for some things. I know he likes taking his time away after stressful stuff to regulate, told him no issue with that in my last reply. Well, didn't think I wouldn't hear a peep for another 24 hours and that our plans would suddenly be cancelled without any notice. Talked to him about it very carefully and with a lot of understanding, at first he was defensive but then he did apologise. At this point, I was already quite fed up with this whole relationship, but I was like, you know, the guy is clearly trying. And I'm not perfect either. He came over after to check on me and spend the night and everything, definitely not the behaviour of someone that doesn't care.
But I already felt myself slipping throughout that night. Things just didn't sit well with me, that's when I came here to post for the first time though I barely touched on all of this then.
Then, yesterday, we argued over a stupid game - Palworld, for those familiar. He didn't wait for me to get on, which wouldn't really be a problem if you don't start from zero each new save and I really had to try hard to catch up in levels so we can do stuff together. But I was like, you know, fair, he's new to the game, whatever. Then he got very demanding that I shouldn't touch the way things were built by him and it's not like I was knocking down huge chunks or anything, I was just managing the base in a more sustainable and orderly fashion so it'd be easier to use when we advance, totally practical choices most of the time, but he kept complaining about it. Then, I kept asking him for help in different things which he ignored a lot of times etc etc, then he kept exploring without me and did the boss battle without me. You know, I'm no micro-manager, but what's the point of playing together if we're doing almost none of it together? And I mean, I get being new but at this point I'm sure you get this isn't exactly about the game. Anyway, huge argument over something so stupid, he started yelling at me and later so did I, neither of us went to sleep satisfied. He likes to bring up how "his opinion never matters" whenever I disagree with him or voice that something he did wasn't the greatest, I've gotten quite tired of it.
Anyway, I wonder if you can guess than I haven't heard of him in nearly 24 hours again though I can't lie I'm also avoiding him at this point, if he ever did reach out, which I doubt.
It's really taking a nosedive and I think that if I don't end it, he will.
Anyway, wow nearly 2000 words, I'd be surprised if anyone actually reads this shit and bothers to respond. It is enough to get it off my chest honestly, but if you respond - thanks!
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