Source Energy
I want to be where people areN'T...
- Jan 23, 2023
- 705
I just had my favorite food for lunch, and I have an appetizer for later. Tomorrow morning I will have my Starbuck energy, and that cuts the hunger till lunch. I will have 2 for extra time, and do it after work.
I cannot bear it anymore. The reality that slaps me in the face as soon as a little hope to feel better arise. The circumstances are absolutely soul crushing. It's like someone's boot pressing hard on your chest every time you want to get up. I cannot take another week of this.
I considered moving to Florida, start anew, but what for? I will feel exactly like this, just in a new setting. (tried to a lesser extent before). I will always feel sad, lonely, empty inside. I will never be enough to be loved and valued. I would only be the lonely sad me, traveling around.
Wherever I go, the memories of what destroyed me will follow. I will have triggers everywhere. I will never be whole again.
I need to remove the last bit of resistance. The fear of what's next. Compassion for the body I leave behind. There is nothing else that holds me.
I think I just had my last phone call with my mother. She is fully aware of my ctb plans and why. She is at loss of words. There are no words left. Not for me and my pain.
Tomorrow evening it's time for my SN. I know reality will show me again that there is nothing else. I will ask to finish work earlier and come with an empty stomach and do it. Today is likely my last day here....and it feels strange. I'm mourning for my losses and for the life I never had.
I cannot bear it anymore. The reality that slaps me in the face as soon as a little hope to feel better arise. The circumstances are absolutely soul crushing. It's like someone's boot pressing hard on your chest every time you want to get up. I cannot take another week of this.
I considered moving to Florida, start anew, but what for? I will feel exactly like this, just in a new setting. (tried to a lesser extent before). I will always feel sad, lonely, empty inside. I will never be enough to be loved and valued. I would only be the lonely sad me, traveling around.
Wherever I go, the memories of what destroyed me will follow. I will have triggers everywhere. I will never be whole again.
I need to remove the last bit of resistance. The fear of what's next. Compassion for the body I leave behind. There is nothing else that holds me.
I think I just had my last phone call with my mother. She is fully aware of my ctb plans and why. She is at loss of words. There are no words left. Not for me and my pain.
Tomorrow evening it's time for my SN. I know reality will show me again that there is nothing else. I will ask to finish work earlier and come with an empty stomach and do it. Today is likely my last day here....and it feels strange. I'm mourning for my losses and for the life I never had.
doesn't miss work even to ctb
it's hard to imagine loving a job whatsoever though, so I'm just curious.
