Venting i think my mom doesn't care

[m4rmaid]

so today i heard her vent her rage to my grandma about my eating disorder and how im refusing food. she's convinced I'm trying to kill myself via starvation, which i think is ridiculous. i didn't care at first until i heard her say that she no longer cares if i die anymore, and that i might as well go ahead so she can be done and over with me. she also said that she'd be a little sad at first, then she would soon forget and it would be nothing. haha, i guess i was too attached to the idea that i wont be so forgettable, even to her. i was wrong. regardless, i asked her if she hadn't for a moment thought that what she said was hurtful, she ignored me and then when i asked her if she would be upset if her mother had said the same, to which she dismissed me saying she wouldn't.

my plan wasn't to ctb by starvation whatsoever, my ed just got worse over time without me realising. i had also passed out yesterday from the fatigue, and my muscles are aching. i feel weak, i can hardly do anything. her words today triggered me so badly, i was holding off my plan to ctb, but now i guess ive lost more and more meaning in life.