Story I made a huge mistake

[Mugara]

Not very long ago I made a post about having a break up with my loved one. I didn't elaborate on it too much because I wanted to get rid of any thoughts in that matter and push my feelings down below, I had a hard time convincing myself that I have no need of that person. I still don't realize whether I lied to myself or not.
My soul screamed to reach out to my ex and at the same time not to ever come close again. I was balancing between rejection towards him and deepest love human can express. I finally decided that I'd rather not make any moves as I'm going to die anyway.

But I failed to keep a promise to myself. I spoke to him yesterday after two months. I described that I was in doubt. We had a long conversation after that and he offered me to meet to have a bottle of something. I knew very well what is about to happen.
I ended up venting as hard as I could, every secret I held. That I'm in really harsh pain which makes me unable to live peacefully. I was very happy at the time I exposed myself.
So my ex hugged me tightly and be both cried. He told me he wants to help me, do anything to bring me to at least decent state of life again. I couldn't believe what I've heard because ex pretty much implyed on fact that he's better off without me when we had our last talk. I asked him many times what his intentions are and he seemed hesitant to reply me. Why if he wanted to end it he can easily revert what was said and take me again? Why?
We moved to his place. We continued to talk as the night fell. He told me he loves me still and I somehow can't see it, that I don't care at all.
He was on a huge contradictory with his words. He blamed me, laughed at me and next second whispered that I should not die. He offered me to move with him somewhere so we can continue to be as we were before.
I don't know what to think honestly. I declined the offer. He can't make me better anymore, I can't mend a broken trust. If I allow things to start again I will be just stretching my suffering, his included.

I'm stuck again. Once it became clear that I'm still needed, I feel like backing up. I don't want to hurt him. What the fuck should I do now?

 

[throwaway123]

That sounds very complicated but love is not about someone making you feel better. It is simply the act of love.
Just like you probably love your parents or friends even though you rarely see or talk to them.

I can't tell you what to do but what I know is that if you're still here that you don't truly want to die and that says a lot. Maybe it's worth giving it another try instead of making your life even worse than it already is.

I've read trough your posts a bit and it seems your fear is preventing you from ending it. That's not the case. I know this sounds hard to believe but there's probably still hope in you. That's the case for the majority of the people here and also the reason this forum exists. People here are in between. And if there's still hope in you you shouldn't hurt yourself even more. Don't do self-sabotage.

I'm pro-choice btw. It really seems like you're just lost.

 

[Sayo]

I'm sorry. I've been in a relationship like this before (well, multiple, but w/e), one that lasted on and off for years and years, so I want to apologise beforehand for speaking in a way that is blunt or maybe unfair.
.
I think you should listen to your instinct here. It sounds correct, and the last thing you need is mixed messages dragging out the pain. The best case scenario is that neither of you are able to handle this - you if it goes badly (or intuit that it's not reciprocated), him if he has to deliver sustained support (or whatever was causing him to end it).

My experience with these relationships is that they oscillate on and off very rapidly towards the end as one party learns to be less dependent on the other, or not care about them as much, etc. They become numb and eventually stop returning to the cycle. The stopping and starting can be abrupt and shocking, especially if one cares more than the other. It's never better after the trust is broken, only more frantic and dysfunctional.

You have asked good questions, and he has not really responded. I think you should take that as the truth. Maybe he feels emotionally moved by the vestige of his bond with you, or likes it when you are dependent on him. Maybe he was bored or lonely. Maybe he is codependent and does need you, but isn't capable of giving you what you need and backs out when that becomes a problem - in which case you should realise this will only hurt you and sabotage your own self, especially since he hasn't shown any great self-reflection here. Maybe it's a combination of those things - being moved by your pain, going through his own things, impulse, loneliness, boredom, push-pull cycle, etc. But it's not a solid foundation for a relationship.

He said he wanted to help you - maybe true, but I don't think he can. From what you've described about how he blamed you and wasn't empathetic, he might not be the best person to help you, and it doesn't sound like he has the best ideas. I do believe that partners can help each other, but they also have to be able to help themselves. Meanwhile, you are speaking like you can help him, and don't want to hurt him. That's fair, but I think you should especially focus on the parts where you don't want to prolong your own suffering. I think you should keep that promise to yourself and look for meaning elsewhere if you want to. And keeping to that - really truly giving up on this person - might let you make room for the feelings you need in your own life, whether that's acceptance of a future or acceptance of no future.

As people who like to nurture we can often trick ourselves into thinking we're needed or wanted in situations where that might not be the case, or else we're enabling something, or where we need to be needed ourselves, especially as we derive worth from being needed.

 

[Mugara]

I'm sorry. I've been in a relationship like this before (well, multiple, but w/e), one that lasted on and off for years and years, so I want to apologise beforehand for speaking in a way that is blunt or maybe unfair.
.
I think you should listen to your instinct here. It sounds correct, and the last thing you need is mixed messages dragging out the pain. The best case scenario is that neither of you are able to handle this - you if it goes badly (or intuit that it's not reciprocated), him if he has to deliver sustained support (or whatever was causing him to end it).

My experience with these relationships is that they oscillate on and off very rapidly towards the end as one party learns to be less dependent on the other, or not care about them as much, etc. They become numb and eventually stop returning to the cycle. The stopping and starting can be abrupt and shocking, especially if one cares more than the other. It's never better after the trust is broken, only more frantic and dysfunctional.

You have asked good questions, and he has not really responded. I think you should take that as the truth. Maybe he feels emotionally moved by the vestige of his bond with you, or likes it when you are dependent on him. Maybe he was bored or lonely. Maybe he is codependent and does need you, but isn't capable of giving you what you need and backs out when that becomes a problem - in which case you should realise this will only hurt you and sabotage your own self, especially since he hasn't shown any great self-reflection here. Maybe it's a combination of those things - being moved by your pain, going through his own things, impulse, loneliness, boredom, push-pull cycle, etc. But it's not a solid foundation for a relationship.

He said he wanted to help you - maybe true, but I don't think he can. From what you've described about how he blamed you and wasn't empathetic, he might not be the best person to help you, and it doesn't sound like he has the best ideas. I do believe that partners can help each other, but they also have to be able to help themselves. Meanwhile, you are speaking like you can help him, and don't want to hurt him. That's fair, but I think you should especially focus on the parts where you don't want to prolong your own suffering. I think you should keep that promise to yourself and look for meaning elsewhere if you want to. And keeping to that - really truly giving up on this person - might let you make room for the feelings you need in your own life, whether that's acceptance of a future or acceptance of no future.

As people who like to nurture we can often trick ourselves into thinking we're needed or wanted in situations where that might not be the case, or else we're enabling something, or where we need to be needed ourselves, especially as we derive worth from being needed.

That is wholesome.
We both indeed have nothing good as a fundament of our relationships. It was born being a hideout from our restless selves but we never showed to each other what we truly are, maybe because none of us could answer that. We would often build a disbelieve in us, misconception of our deeds, constant overthinking due to OCD.
He told me that my main problem is that I often tend to seek help not within myself or even him. How could I if uncertainty is present? I can't manage my own life, that's why I struggle to connect the dots and move on with something. I'm indeed very codependent, I've built my life around one person and now as it all flees I seem to lose sense of control.

Anyway, thanks for your advice, though it doesn't solve anything yet.