I feel stupid for wanting to die so badly

[babyblueeyes]

im sorry if this is bad to read i havent slept in 3 ish days and i havent spoken to anyone in 6 days. im sorry if this is so buns.

for some context my life is actually really good! i have money. my body isnt awful and i only have some minor chronic health issues. i get to attend my #1 dream school oat. people think im cute and smart and all the positive stuff that strangers call you when they just see what you do and not who you are. honestly if i wasnt me then i would think wow this person is actually pretty normal!

my only 'real problems' that i, and my many therapist, can identify is my bpd and depression and blah blah blah meantally ill ppl issues yk the drift.

i just dont get it. i feel like the most ungrateful person in the whole wide world because i cant stop thinking about how much better things would be for everyone if i just stopped bothering them. i feel like every meltdown i have is annoying and pointless. even when i try to get better and be normal i always slip back into my awful habits and ruin everyones lives.

i also feel like im too childish to want to die so badly. ive been wanting this since i was 10-ish and i just feel stupid for holding onto something ive wanted to do for a while. also i am so bad at trying to ctb im on attempt 5 this isnt even funny anymore.

i dunno why i wrote this. can anyone else relate? yeah ive been through shit in the past but rn im a normal person and i still have to nagging feeling that i should just ctb.

 

[cheaptrick]

Yeah I can see how that would cause suicidal ideation-- enough things are going well but you can't enjoy it because of mental illness. I can't relate but I can understand it for sure. If nothing else at least you have something to look forward to in the event you can get your mental health issues under control.

 

[rxcha]

im sorry if this is bad to read i havent slept in 3 ish days and i havent spoken to anyone in 6 days. im sorry if this is so buns.

for some context my life is actually really good! i have money. my body isnt awful and i only have some minor chronic health issues. i get to attend my #1 dream school oat. people think im cute and smart and all the positive stuff that strangers call you when they just see what you do and not who you are. honestly if i wasnt me then i would think wow this person is actually pretty normal!

my only 'real problems' that i, and my many therapist, can identify is my bpd and depression and blah blah blah meantally ill ppl issues yk the drift.

i just dont get it. i feel like the most ungrateful person in the whole wide world because i cant stop thinking about how much better things would be for everyone if i just stopped bothering them. i feel like every meltdown i have is annoying and pointless. even when i try to get better and be normal i always slip back into my awful habits and ruin everyones lives.

i also feel like im too childish to want to die so badly. ive been wanting this since i was 10-ish and i just feel stupid for holding onto something ive wanted to do for a while. also i am so bad at trying to ctb im on attempt 5 this isnt even funny anymore.

i dunno why i wrote this. can anyone else relate? yeah ive been through shit in the past but rn im a normal person and i still have to nagging feeling that i should just ctb.

mental illness more than anything else i guess? i can relate sort of but you should be entitled to feeling any way about yourself without embarrassment especially if it's something so serious

 

[time2gosoon]

im sorry if this is bad to read i havent slept in 3 ish days and i havent spoken to anyone in 6 days. im sorry if this is so buns.

for some context my life is actually really good! i have money. my body isnt awful and i only have some minor chronic health issues. i get to attend my #1 dream school oat. people think im cute and smart and all the positive stuff that strangers call you when they just see what you do and not who you are. honestly if i wasnt me then i would think wow this person is actually pretty normal!

my only 'real problems' that i, and my many therapist, can identify is my bpd and depression and blah blah blah meantally ill ppl issues yk the drift.

i just dont get it. i feel like the most ungrateful person in the whole wide world because i cant stop thinking about how much better things would be for everyone if i just stopped bothering them. i feel like every meltdown i have is annoying and pointless. even when i try to get better and be normal i always slip back into my awful habits and ruin everyones lives.

i also feel like im too childish to want to die so badly. ive been wanting this since i was 10-ish and i just feel stupid for holding onto something ive wanted to do for a while. also i am so bad at trying to ctb im on attempt 5 this isnt even funny anymore.

i dunno why i wrote this. can anyone else relate? yeah ive been through shit in the past but rn im a normal person and i still have to nagging feeling that i should just ctb.

I've had the desire to kill myself since I was 7.
We planned to kill our father on my 25th birthday, then kill ourself.

My sister asked me to be her daughter's godfather when I was 23.
She asked me to protect her children from Dave.
We revealed our plan, and our intention to cancel them to protect my niece and nephew.

We turned our life around.
Became the super uncle.
Made friends, got married.
Felt "established".

But we couldn't keep up the facade.
Eventually, Dave went too far so we did what we promised and protected my nephew from Dave.
Suddenly, I am the one with the problem
I'm the only one in therapy, I must be the "problem".

Entire family splintered all because we told Dave that "watching him with his grandson reminded me of his drunk ass with me as a kid, and it makes me want to kill myself"

My sister recognized that we had a bit of Dave in each of us.
She became Dave 2.0
We isolated Dave into their own alter, using him when convenient
Now, my nibblings are adults.
I did the best we could, they made it to adulthood without killing each other or themselves.
Now, we just want to rest.

I guess we're writing this to say, I don't think you're alone.
Everyone on this forum feels uncertain about something.
We hope you find some clarity.

 

[babyblueeyes]

I've had the desire to kill myself since I was 7.
We planned to kill our father on my 25th birthday, then kill ourself.

My sister asked me to be her daughter's godfather when I was 23.
She asked me to protect her children from Dave.
We revealed our plan, and our intention to cancel them to protect my niece and nephew.

We turned our life around.
Became the super uncle.
Made friends, got married.
Felt "established".

But we couldn't keep up the facade.
Eventually, Dave went too far so we did what we promised and protected my nephew from Dave.
Suddenly, I am the one with the problem
I'm the only one in therapy, I must be the "problem".

Entire family splintered all because we told Dave that "watching him with his grandson reminded me of his drunk ass with me as a kid, and it makes me want to kill myself"

My sister recognized that we had a bit of Dave in each of us.
She became Dave 2.0
We isolated Dave into their own alter, using him when convenient
Now, my nibblings are adults.
I did the best we could, they made it to adulthood without killing each other or themselves.
Now, we just want to rest.

I guess we're writing this to say, I don't think you're alone.
Everyone on this forum feels uncertain about something.
We hope you find some clarity.

that sounds really awful to have to deal with all those feelings for a long time i hope you can rest well soon.

If nothing else at least you have something to look forward to in the event you can get your mental health issues under control.

yeah it feels like a skill issue im barely excited for what will happen but i cant act spoiled and just off myself bc its "too hard to keep going"

i can relate sort of but you should be entitled to feeling any way about yourself without embarrassment especially if it's something so serious

yeah i guess it just feels so childish like my issues happened a long time ago so they should be fixed and now im just stewing and letting it affect me now even though im meant to be grown up

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

im sorry if this is bad to read i havent slept in 3 ish days and i havent spoken to anyone in 6 days. im sorry if this is so buns.

for some context my life is actually really good! i have money. my body isnt awful and i only have some minor chronic health issues. i get to attend my #1 dream school oat. people think im cute and smart and all the positive stuff that strangers call you when they just see what you do and not who you are. honestly if i wasnt me then i would think wow this person is actually pretty normal!

my only 'real problems' that i, and my many therapist, can identify is my bpd and depression and blah blah blah meantally ill ppl issues yk the drift.

i just dont get it. i feel like the most ungrateful person in the whole wide world because i cant stop thinking about how much better things would be for everyone if i just stopped bothering them. i feel like every meltdown i have is annoying and pointless. even when i try to get better and be normal i always slip back into my awful habits and ruin everyones lives.

i also feel like im too childish to want to die so badly. ive been wanting this since i was 10-ish and i just feel stupid for holding onto something ive wanted to do for a while. also i am so bad at trying to ctb im on attempt 5 this isnt even funny anymore.

i dunno why i wrote this. can anyone else relate? yeah ive been through shit in the past but rn im a normal person and i still have to nagging feeling that i should just ctb.

I have the same feeling. Life objectively isn't terrible for me, I've been through worse. I've learned that MH really doesn't care about who you are or how your life is, though. I mean, look at Robin Williams. Famous, had a life a lot of people would want, and still was depressed.

Anyways I totally get it. I feel that regardless, your experience isn't invalidated just because your life may be better than other peoples.

 

[telekon]

what I wanna know is how it matters? if you are cute and have money, then be as fucking crazy as you want. have borderline. and don't have a doctor tell you, "oh by the way I think there's something wrong with you" bitch im cute and I have money there's nothing wrong with me

I don't know what else to say. you're fine. get off this site and go do you. enjoy life!!!

being suicidal is probably one of the side effects of being borderline so that's just part of the spiciness. that's edgy but you should just keep it on the DL... don't ruminate on the thoughts. suicidal thoughts are like a toxic friend. it's like, they feel good in the moment but you NEED TO DISTANCE YOURSELF or else they will win in the end. I don't say this often because in some ways this site is good, but it's like a toxic friend. the more you spend time with suicidal ideation, whether by your own brain or the brains of others on the internet, the more you feed the idea. unless you're a broke ass motherfucker with no food or you're ugly and no one cares about you then I don't understand the need for suicide. there are always ways out of those too.