The combination of anxiety, autism, adhd, bipolar, and gender dysphoria that i have makes just existing absolutely exhausting.
I have to put in many magnitudes more effort for a fraction of the result other people can achieve. I get home from work and just collapse. On the weekends I just self harm and contemplate death.
The slightest sign of rejection gives me mountains of emotional wrath. I'm empathetic to the point I feel other people's pain as if it was my own. And thanks to bipolar sometimes I just feel awful for literally no reason for very long periods.
And yet to most people my disabilities are completely invisible. I can only envy people that can get through a day without experiencing mental agony.
I thought I had finally made some friends at work but now that group is distancing themselves from me. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I'm a good person. A strange one but good. I thought we got along but apparently they just tolerate me. I wish people knew how hard it was to be the me I want to be. How even simple tasks require immense effort for me. But it doesn't matter because I am sometimes socially awkward despite my efforts.
I literally just want people i can talk to that aren't my abusive mum. Fuck. I'm shocked I'm even able to work right now. Every morning I get on the train to work is a surprise. Often I'd rather jump onto the tracks.
I have to put in many magnitudes more effort for a fraction of the result other people can achieve. I get home from work and just collapse. On the weekends I just self harm and contemplate death.
The slightest sign of rejection gives me mountains of emotional wrath. I'm empathetic to the point I feel other people's pain as if it was my own. And thanks to bipolar sometimes I just feel awful for literally no reason for very long periods.
And yet to most people my disabilities are completely invisible. I can only envy people that can get through a day without experiencing mental agony.
I thought I had finally made some friends at work but now that group is distancing themselves from me. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I'm a good person. A strange one but good. I thought we got along but apparently they just tolerate me. I wish people knew how hard it was to be the me I want to be. How even simple tasks require immense effort for me. But it doesn't matter because I am sometimes socially awkward despite my efforts.
I literally just want people i can talk to that aren't my abusive mum. Fuck. I'm shocked I'm even able to work right now. Every morning I get on the train to work is a surprise. Often I'd rather jump onto the tracks.
