Venting the days are blending together

[justasmalltowngirl6]

things have gotten so much worse after moving back with my parents. i should've just taken another semester of uni so i could be with my friends and loved ones. but now i'm here with my dad and i feel like i'm suffocating. i'm not out to him so i can't risk trying to talk to my friends during the day. the only way for me to communicate with my friends is at night when he's asleep. it's the loneliest i've ever felt in my life. i'm sleeping at 7:00 in the morning and waking up at 9:00 at night so i don't have to interact with my dad. when i am able to hang out with my friends it's nice but i feel like i'm always looking over my shoulder. i haven't eaten properly in weeks. i genuinely don't remember the last time i had a meal. even when i was eating meals i would eat 0-1 a day. i want to cut so so so bad but i don't have bandages/gauze and i don't want to raise suspicion by asking for them.

i feel like a shell of my former self. my gf and her family are trying to help me move out but they're taking so fucking long and i don't know how much longer i can last here. i feel like i've been forgotten. like they don't understand the urgency i feel and they're just leaving me here to die. i feel as if it's my destiny to ctb. even when i was in uni and got to spend time with my friends and gf i still wasn't happy. i relapsed back into sh and got so close to ctb. i thought moving away would fix all of my problems but it didn't. maybe i'm just fundamentally broken. i've tried talking to my gf about wanting to ctb before but it always makes her sad and ruins her mood. i just have no idea what to do at this point. it feels like ctb is my only escape.

 

[ZwartHartje]

Do you know what exactly it is that makes you want to die? Is it just depression with no known cause? You do have friends and even a girlfriend - I'm not mentioning this to say like, "oh you should be grateful for having what so many others can only dream of," but rather to help you identify the cause - so this is not it. In order to solve a problem, identifying the cause is the first crucial step, so that you can try to contain that cause. It's important to talk to someone about it, but of course your girlfriend would be sad, if she loves you then she doesn't want you to be unhappy, let alone to die. Maybe you could find some trustworthy but uninvolved person to advise you?
Typically that would be a psychologist or therapist, but sadly I think few of them are trustworthy...