Venting PTSD and depression are going to kill me.

[true-ending]

ill be honest and open with it: i got forced to witness the aftermath of my moms suicide attempt. no blood or anything so it sounds worse than it is. it was an overdose. she was still conscious. not longer after my dad got hit by a car. she survived. i have flashbacks every day and constantly shout at people whenever they trigger a flashback because it's like my entire body goes into overdrive. i feel terrible. i dont know how to be a good person. i can't even identify my triggers outside of loud movement outside my room door - that one brings to mind a specific memory from when my dad got hit. but to be honest, it's the suicide one that tortures me.

i'm scared that if i kill myself, im going to spend my last moments having a flashback. i havent had my meds in months (they wont refill it) and i feel like it's eating me alive. every time someone talks to me i just think "why bother?". normally i write to cope with it but lately nothing comes out, im just not intelligent enough to write what i want to write. i don't know what to do. i feel hollow on the inside like someone scraped me out with a spoon.

i think i would've taken the suicide incident better if i hadn't gotten sexually harassed right before it. i rejected this one dude, right? and he painted me as the villain so i lost all my friends except for 2 . and those 2 i didnt really feel like i could talk to them about it, because it's not fair to dump that on somebody. but every day i feel like that moment in time where i saw the pills is still existijg in me. i feel like it's trying to drag me down to hell. i'm scared. i'm so scared of living feeling this way anymore and i'm so scared of dying with my last moments being a horrific flashback to the things i cant forget.