Venting I feel like an alien trying to blend in

[rigsid]

The combination of anxiety, autism, adhd, bipolar, and gender dysphoria that i have makes just existing absolutely exhausting.

I have to put in many magnitudes more effort for a fraction of the result other people can achieve. I get home from work and just collapse. On the weekends I just self harm and contemplate death.

The slightest sign of rejection gives me mountains of emotional wrath. I'm empathetic to the point I feel other people's pain as if it was my own. And thanks to bipolar sometimes I just feel awful for literally no reason for very long periods.

And yet to most people my disabilities are completely invisible. I can only envy people that can get through a day without experiencing mental agony.

I thought I had finally made some friends at work but now that group is distancing themselves from me. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I'm a good person. A strange one but good. I thought we got along but apparently they just tolerate me. I wish people knew how hard it was to be the me I want to be. How even simple tasks require immense effort for me. But it doesn't matter because I am sometimes socially awkward despite my efforts.

I literally just want people i can talk to that aren't my abusive mum. Fuck. I'm shocked I'm even able to work right now. Every morning I get on the train to work is a surprise. Often I'd rather jump onto the tracks.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I have asperger's and i felt like an alien in this world ever since I had my first memories at the age of 5. I never belonged in this world, never had a job, never had a friend and never been in a relationship. I wonder how I survived these 38 years like that. Most of the people I know would have ctb years ago.

 

[cacowads]

The combination of anxiety, autism, adhd, bipolar, and gender dysphoria that i have makes just existing absolutely exhausting.

I have to put in many magnitudes more effort for a fraction of the result other people can achieve. I get home from work and just collapse. On the weekends I just self harm and contemplate death.

The slightest sign of rejection gives me mountains of emotional wrath. I'm empathetic to the point I feel other people's pain as if it was my own. And thanks to bipolar sometimes I just feel awful for literally no reason for very long periods.

And yet to most people my disabilities are completely invisible. I can only envy people that can get through a day without experiencing mental agony.

I thought I had finally made some friends at work but now that group is distancing themselves from me. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I'm a good person. A strange one but good. I thought we got along but apparently they just tolerate me. I wish people knew how hard it was to be the me I want to be. How even simple tasks require immense effort for me. But it doesn't matter because I am sometimes socially awkward despite my efforts.

I literally just want people i can talk to that aren't my abusive mum. Fuck. I'm shocked I'm even able to work right now. Every morning I get on the train to work is a surprise. Often I'd rather jump onto the tracks.

I don't know if you're still alive. but you just put into words what i also go through every fucking day. it takes a herculean effort just to act the slightest normalcy and get along with other people and even that makes me highly strange to other people.I wholeheartedly believe like eggs, some humans (like us) are jus the "bad batch" while the rest either have few or less of the bad genes. i have adhd too, and it's honestly more of a detriment than something im proud of. i never understand how other people can utilize it as a superpower. that aside, I'm also prone to depraved thoughts and obsessive habits with watching gore in my free time.

 

[violetforever]

I have to put in many magnitudes more effort for a fraction of the result other people can achieve. I get home from work and just collapse. On the weekends I just self harm and contemplate death.

The slightest sign of rejection gives me mountains of emotional wrath. I'm empathetic to the point I feel other people's pain as if it was my own. And thanks to bipolar sometimes I just feel awful for literally no reason for very long periods.

And yet to most people my disabilities are completely invisible. I can only envy people that can get through a day without experiencing mental agony.

I thought I had finally made some friends at work but now that group is distancing themselves from me. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I'm a good person. A strange one but good. I thought we got along but apparently they just tolerate me. I wish people knew how hard it was to be the me I want to be. How even simple tasks require immense effort for me. But it doesn't matter because I am sometimes socially awkward despite my efforts.

I literally just want people i can talk to that aren't my abusive mum. Fuck. I'm shocked I'm even able to work right now. Every morning I get on the train to work is a surprise. Often I'd rather jump onto the tracks.

i dont have any diagnosed illnesses (theres obviously many things wrong with me but i dont care to find out and be forced onto medication) so i hope its not offensive to say i relate a lot. god i really want anyone to talk to in person who isnt my abusive mom too. shes the only person/adult im around most days and it drives me insane because i hate her. sometimes i feel embarrassed or cry from just inventing daydreams that other people think of me as much as i do them. in every interaction with someone, i feel like they can tell how desperate i am to talk with them and it becomes awkward.

 

[Pluto]

 

[rigsid]

I don't know if you're still alive. but you just put into words what i also go through every fucking day. it takes a herculean effort just to act the slightest normalcy and get along with other people and even that makes me highly strange to other people.I wholeheartedly believe like eggs, some humans (like us) are jus the "bad batch" while the rest either have few or less of the bad genes. i have adhd too, and it's honestly more of a detriment than something im proud of. i never understand how other people can utilize it as a superpower. that aside, I'm also prone to depraved thoughts and obsessive habits with watching gore in my free time.

i dont have any diagnosed illnesses (theres obviously many things wrong with me but i dont care to find out and be forced onto medication) so i hope its not offensive to say i relate a lot. god i really want anyone to talk to in person who isnt my abusive mom too. shes the only person/adult im around most days and it drives me insane because i hate her. sometimes i feel embarrassed or cry from just inventing daydreams that other people think of me as much as i do them. in every interaction with someone, i feel like they can tell how desperate i am to talk with them and it becomes awkward.

Glad and sad some people could relate.

I am still alive for a little while (unfortunately).

For the ADHD being a super power it has helped at work due to hyper focus, but it's unreliable and when I can't 'tap into it' i really suffer.

And I'm sorry you're trapped with an abusive mum too. That's not fair to you :(