Venting I feel bittersweet about people caring about me

[LackOfDetermination]

As the Title says, every time someone shows such care for me, whether it be randomly giving me dinner, asking me how I'm doing, trying to help me financially, i feel glad. It reminds me that humans are inherently good, social creatures. it reminds me of the fossilized remains of hominids that had been taken care of for many years before their death, even before written history had existed. But, at the same time, I feel so mad, scared, sad, and over all panicked about it. After all, I want to die, I don't plan on living, my goal has been to die for 7 years and the deadline is getting closer, so I let loose more and more, which only causes people to worry for me more. I try to give them bullshit excuses, but they obviously see right through them, so I end up just trying to portray myself as an Idiot as a defense mechanism, to keep them farther from the truth. I can't keep doing it though. I go days to weeks without talking to those I care for most these days, because I know I'll just worry them with my complete nonchalance at my life "falling apart". I feel like I'm betraying them, but I honestly don't give a damn about that, I just feel a rising panic whenever I think about talking to them now, even though I want to more than anything. I keep thinking how much easier it would be if the people I love didn't care for me, if they hated me, because then i would be free to lie to their faces and tell them I'm fine, that everything is going to be okay, that I'll hang out with them more often, without feeling like a piece of shit.

I'm so spoiled. I may not have had many friends throughout my life, but my sisters are more than enough for me, and the friends I have left even more so. I know how shitty life can be, how many people don't have a single friend or family member, and yet I throw it all away so easily, treat everyone around me like shit, and they still keep caring for and giving me so much...

Anyway, thanks for reading my first post. Let me know your favorite character or favorite anime if you want.

 

[U. A.]

Welcome, unfortunately.
If you've lurked before joining you may know this is a very common play by those in this conundrum. It is a messy situation. Sorry you're here.

 

[nuva]

Welcome.
I think I understand you. I feel the same.
Sometimes I wish people would just forget about me, so that when I'm gone it won't be a traumatic event for them, but I also want to feel a simple human presence next to me before I do it, I don't want to be completely alone.