I feel better since last September but still...

[noname223]

Yes i am feeling way better since last September. (I am bipolar and had pychosis) It is not sure why i am feeling better. But i have to change my medication due to very nasty side effects. My mental health is very fragile at the moment. I am scared as shit that i will have another psychosis with this tremendous pain. So I try to prevent poverty or another mental breakwown but life plays hardball with me. On Monday i see my psychiatrist we will probably change meds.

I am still a little bit too obsessed with the idea of suicide. And I am very scared about my future. Moreover I am still quiet unhappy with my life.
It is a weird situation i am glad that i am feeling better however the other circumstances why i wanted to ctb have not changed.

Can you relate with this feeling even when life gets better you still are not really happy? Furthermore the anxiety over another severe depression is very strong. My mind tells me that i need an exit strategy in the case that the pain comes back.

 

[Ber0]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better :) and changing meds could help, my meds used to seriously fk with me and changed who I was, how I acted, until I got it right. It sounds like you're in a juggling act with life right now, I admire your strength to keep going and balance it all. As for relating to not being happy when life is better, I pretty much experience that as a default state. It's like in between moments of joy and good experiences, I return to that default. And it's not like "oh but that's just life, some good things and then calm". It's like that state for me is filled with extreme anxiety and worry. Sometimes it's mixed with heavy regret and depression. This is just my opinion but I always believe in having at least 1 exit option just in case, just because I'd hate to be purposely deprived of an option if that makes sense. But it sounds like you said you're glad that you're better, you said you'll be meeting your psychiatrist, possibly changing meds, I think, in my opinion, that you have a lot to look forward to and that it could keep getting better, even if it's not known why. But you also mentioned your reasons for CTB haven't changed. I still constantly fear for the future sometimes, but I've been just taking it a day at a time, and that's helped. I can't accurately say anything about the BPD or psychosis though because I have no experience, so the only thing I can say about the anxiety is that for me, it's possible (although I'm not on them anymore) that certain meds could help** (or lack of for that matter - **consult with a doctor**), or lifestyles like food/drink if it's a chemical imbalance. I had an iron deficiency at one point and it caused me extreme anxiety and depression more so than I've ever felt on a consistent basis, even when life was good. Or perhaps it could be your own thoughts. I made peace with some stuff that happened in 2020 and I feel less anxious and more relieved now with those thoughts not haunting me. So that's more of a personal and introspective thing. Or maybe it's just the constants of life. All the scheduling, deadlines, personal relationships, commitments, depression, fears, ambition, hopes, dreams, 9-5 work life, even more, it all takes a toll on people in different ways. Some people are just tired and exhausted. And although life might be good, they might enjoy being with friends or achieving dreams/activities, they'll always have that anxiety and exhaustion from life. Or maybe it's something else, we're all unique. Idk if anything I mentioned helped but even as you said it's getting better even if you're not sure why, so I only hope it continues to improve and wish you the best.

 

[Spitfire]

Good luck with the appointment for your medicine. Hopefully, it can keep getting better for you.

I relate to the question you asked because I am not happy about things at all, even when they get better for me. I think I am past the point of no return honestly. It feels like it anyway.