I have to CTB on Sunday

[thelazyegg]

This Sunday is the coldest it will be until fall, so I have to do my charcoal burning in car or else I won't get a chance for about 6 months (it stays hot where I live for a long time, we're talking going up to 115 degree heat).

I am nervous ordering AirBnB since it will be more than half of my savings, but I feel like doing just a campground with my car (and nothing else) is too suspicious and I'm not sure where I could drive that would be away from everyone enough and I would still have a safe area to prepare charcoals in buckets. I practiced on the balcony of my apartment with chimney starter and buckets which already was risky enough.

Everyone in my life knows I want to die, and plan to, and no one is stopping me. They've pretty much given up on me and they know 5150 won't help me psychologically since I'm already traumatized from the last one. I woke up again this morning crying my eyes out that I have no one in my life that wants to come over and be here with me, but that's what happens when you are a burden to others.

I am going to get the courage to get AirBnB today even though it scares me financially if I don't succeed in my attempt. My spirit is tired and exhausted. I'm tired of crying all the time and feeling like I want to die. I just want to die and join my boyfriend who took his life September 10th last year. I miss him and would love to share oblivion with him and my best friend that died from a brain tumor when I was 9.

I will definitely post on the day that I attempt so I can be another (hopefully) successful testament to the carbon monoxide method thread.

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry for your suffering. I wish you luck and I hope you find your peace

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.

 

[bookgirl]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for

 

[LunarLight]

You seem determined. Hope you find peace.

 

[thelazyegg]

Thank you all so much! I really hope so too. My boyfriend is resting in peace now from his attempt in September and it's my turn now. Life has become a living nightmare and I really don't care if I never experience anything ever again.

Everyone told me after my first 5150 8 years ago to hold on because "it gets better", but it's honestly just gotten worse and worse and now I have a lot more health problems since then. I'm tired of multiple mental health professionals calling me a complicated case and not being able to help me, while family and friends chastise me for not trying hard enough despite doing weekly therapy with 2 therapists for nearly 4 years, 2 inpatient programs, IOP, and having no luck with any medications from psychiatrist to the point where they had me re-take a medication I had a severe allergic reaction to when I was a kid. And guess what? Almost died from it again!

 

[arthurkuzechov]

This Sunday is the coldest it will be until fall, so I have to do my charcoal burning in car or else I won't get a chance for about 6 months (it stays hot where I live for a long time, we're talking going up to 115 degree heat).

I am nervous ordering AirBnB since it will be more than half of my savings, but I feel like doing just a campground with my car (and nothing else) is too suspicious and I'm not sure where I could drive that would be away from everyone enough and I would still have a safe area to prepare charcoals in buckets. I practiced on the balcony of my apartment with chimney starter and buckets which already was risky enough.

Everyone in my life knows I want to die, and plan to, and no one is stopping me. They've pretty much given up on me and they know 5150 won't help me psychologically since I'm already traumatized from the last one. I woke up again this morning crying my eyes out that I have no one in my life that wants to come over and be here with me, but that's what happens when you are a burden to others.

I am going to get the courage to get AirBnB today even though it scares me financially if I don't succeed in my attempt. My spirit is tired and exhausted. I'm tired of crying all the time and feeling like I want to die. I just want to die and join my boyfriend who took his life September 10th last year. I miss him and would love to share oblivion with him and my best friend that died from a brain tumor when I was 9.

I will definitely post on the day that I attempt so I can be another (hopefully) successful testament to the carbon monoxide method thread.

Hello. I'm so sorry for your loss and I know how it feels. I lost my best friend 5 years ago and after as she passed away I wanted to go right after her, but people told me that "it gets better" but… It never gets better… And yeah as you said it gets worse. Time doesn't heal the pain. It makes scars deeper and deeper in our souls. So, I wish you find a peace and meet your loved ones

 

[thelazyegg]

Hello. I'm so sorry for your loss and I know how it feels. I lost my best friend 5 years ago and after as she passed away I wanted to go right after her, but people told me that "it gets better" but… It never gets better… And yeah as you said it gets worse. Time doesn't heal the pain. It makes scars deeper and deeper in our souls. So, I wish you find a peace and meet your loved ones

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry tor your loss. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and wishing me peace. And I completely agree! The worst part for me is that both me and my boyfriend were suicidal and I spent so much time trying to be there for him and everyday I would text him checking in to see if he ate enough because he became so underweight. I was the only person he confided in about his plans. He told me that he just needed me and he would be okay. We talked about surviving suicidal ideation together. He told me "we can make it 45 years of marriage, easy!" And promised me marriage and kids. He was my dream come true.

And then… he left this earth with his plans and didn't even leave a personal goodbye note. It really hurts so much and I'll never understand why. I love him forever and he was so good to me. Friends and family want me to call him selfish and be angry with him, and I can't do that. And it hurts they feel that way because now I know that's how they would feel about me. And they are already angry and distancing themselves from me since being honest about how I'm feeling. And where I'm at.

Such is life

 

[LunarLight]

Yeah, I agree, it's only downhill from here.
I'm so sad about your story. I hope my partner will be able to move on...

 

[thelazyegg]

Yeah, I agree, it's only downhill from here.
I'm so sad about your story. I hope my partner will be able to move on...

If you are worried at all, leave a personal goodbye note or letter and possibly a will. My boyfriend had 2 kids from previous marriage and was going through a bad divorce (which is what led him to do what he did) and everything went to his awful gonna-be ex-wife that cheated on him multiple times and was emotionally abusive. Since there was no will, none of the money will go to his kids for their future and he was very wealthy. I'm not wealthy and he made a lot of promises to me (buying a house, helping me while I look for a job, etc). Part of why my family wants me to be mad at him, because he promised me out of poverty situation I'm currently in. But my financial situation was not his burden to bear and I don't place anger at him for it at all. He didn't owe me anything. His love was all I wanted.

 

[LunarLight]

If you are worried at all, leave a personal goodbye note or letter and possibly a will. My boyfriend had 2 kids from previous marriage and was going through a bad divorce (which is what led him to do what he did) and everything went to his awful gonna-be ex-wife that cheated on him multiple times and was emotionally abusive. Since there was no will, none of the money will go to his kids for their future and he was very wealthy. I'm not wealthy and he made a lot of promises to me (buying a house, helping me while I look for a job, etc). Part of why my family wants me to be mad at him, because he promised me out of poverty situation I'm currently in. But my financial situation was not his burden to bear and I don't place anger at him for it at all. He didn't owe me anything. His love was all I wanted.

I've already planned to leave a personal goodbye letter and a will. I don't wanna leave without telling them how much I love them.

 

[thelazyegg]

I've already planned to leave a personal goodbye letter and a will. I don't wanna leave without telling them how much I love them.

Your partner will appreciate it so much. Thank you for doing that.
It's the only thing that haunts me everyday, that my boyfriend didn't leave any kind of note and our last conversation that morning, he told me that "everything was good" and he told me he would tell me when he was free to talk on the phone. That was our last conversation, his last messages to me and it hurts so much that he didn't even try to reach out. I'm sure he thought he was shielding me from pain, but it literally curses and haunts me every single day since he left because he promised me he would talk to me before making this decision and he still left without talking…

 

[Dliena]

I wish you absolute eternal peace without anymore harm done to you again.

 

[arthurkuzechov]

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry tor your loss. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and wishing me peace. And I completely agree! The worst part for me is that both me and my boyfriend were suicidal and I spent so much time trying to be there for him and everyday I would text him checking in to see if he ate enough because he became so underweight. I was the only person he confided in about his plans. He told me that he just needed me and he would be okay. We talked about surviving suicidal ideation together. He told me "we can make it 45 years of marriage, easy!" And promised me marriage and kids. He was my dream come true.

And then… he left this earth with his plans and didn't even leave a personal goodbye note. It really hurts so much and I'll never understand why. I love him forever and he was so good to me. Friends and family want me to call him selfish and be angry with him, and I can't do that. And it hurts they feel that way because now I know that's how they would feel about me. And they are already angry and distancing themselves from me since being honest about how I'm feeling. And where I'm at.

Such is life

Oh, I don't know what to say… Because my story is a little bit like yours… My friend and me were very close, we went through so much and had a hard times. And yeah I though about ctb before her death and she knew that. And she support me, and we wanted to ctb one day together… I cry sorry and one day she did become sick. I don't why. She lost much weight. She had strong nausea, and vomiting. Every day. I told her to visit a doctor but she just didn't want to live and she told that's alright. And I tried to make her go to doctor, cause she was the one person which I loved… And after two weeks of that sickness she could walk no more. I call ambulance but they didn't want to take her and after few tryings they did check her and said that she had a cancer. And she had about 2 weeks before dying… Fuck. And on the nex t day she did pass away… And I just don't have a time to say goodbye to her. And she didn't say me either… Because she was unconscious. And as it was in your story my family said that it's ok I must forget her and that she was not so good person etc. But I couldn't. And I can't. So 'cause of that I don't talk with my family anymore.
Thank you very much for sharing your story, I didn't even guess that our stories may be so similar.

 

[thelazyegg]

Oh, I don't know what to say… Because my story is a little bit like yours… My friend and me were very close, we went through so much and had a hard times. And yeah I though about ctb before her death and she knew that. And she support me, and we wanted to ctb one day together… I cry sorry and one day she did become sick. I don't why. She lost much weight. She had strong nausea, and vomiting. Every day. I told her to visit a doctor but she just didn't want to live and she told that's alright. And I tried to make her go to doctor, cause she was the one person which I loved… And after two weeks of that sickness she could walk no more. I call ambulance but they didn't want to take her and after few tryings they did check her and said that she had a cancer. And she had about 2 weeks before dying… Fuck. And on the nex t day she did pass away… And I just don't have a time to say goodbye to her. And she didn't say me either… Because she was unconscious. And as it was in your story my family said that it's ok I must forget her and that she was not so good person etc. But I couldn't. And I can't. So 'cause of that I don't talk with my family anymore.
Thank you very much for sharing your story, I didn't even guess that our stories may be so similar.

Omg I'm so sorry That's so sad and sounds heartbreaking. I'm sorry you experienced something similar. It's so hard when you love someone and they're in pain and you're in pain and you both want the best for eachother. And sometimes they choose their best which might not have been the best we chose for them. And I'm sure they would feel the same way about us if we had done the same. Cancer is brutal so I'm really sorry about your friend

I really hope you are able to find peace and relief from the suffering. There is nothing worse than feeling like someone that was like our other half is gone and living through it while feeling suicidal. It's a cruel existence. I sincerely hold you and your suffering in my heart with all the love I can give and you'll be in my thoughts as long as I'm alive and here

I wish you absolute eternal peace without anymore harm done to you again.

Sorry just saw this! Thank you so much

 

[arthurkuzechov]

Omg I'm so sorry That's so sad and sounds heartbreaking. I'm sorry you experienced something similar. It's so hard when you love someone and they're in pain and you're in pain and you both want the best for eachother. And sometimes they choose their best which might not have been the best we chose for them. And I'm sure they would feel the same way about us if we had done the same. Cancer is brutal so I'm really sorry about your friend

I really hope you are able to find peace and relief from the suffering. There is nothing worse than feeling like someone that was like our other half is gone and living through it while feeling suicidal. It's a cruel existence. I sincerely hold you and your suffering in my heart with all the love I can give and you'll be in my thoughts as long as I'm alive and here

Sorry just saw this! Thank you so much

Omg I'm so sorry That's so sad and sounds heartbreaking. I'm sorry you experienced something similar. It's so hard when you love someone and they're in pain and you're in pain and you both want the best for eachother. And sometimes they choose their best which might not have been the best we chose for them. And I'm sure they would feel the same way about us if we had done the same. Cancer is brutal so I'm really sorry about your friend

I really hope you are able to find peace and relief from the suffering. There is nothing worse than feeling like someone that was like our other half is gone and living through it while feeling suicidal. It's a cruel existence. I sincerely hold you and your suffering in my heart with all the love I can give and you'll be in my thoughts as long as I'm alive and here

Sorry just saw this! Thank you so much

Yeah, it's cruel existence. And as Luther Allison sings - "Life is a bitch. It's hurting me". But. I believe soon very soon we will meet who we loved love and will love forever. And there are only few days before my ctb too, so we are going home now🕊And you will be in my thoughts as long as I'm alive and here. Send you much love

 

[thelazyegg]

Yeah, it's cruel existence. And as Luther Allison sings - "Life is a bitch. It's hurting me". But. I believe soon very soon we will meet who we loved love and will love forever. And there are only few days before my ctb too, so we are going home now🕊And you will be in my thoughts as long as I'm alive and here. Send you much love

Thank you so much for the love and sending more back And I agree with you. It's nice we will be able to go home to our loved ones without pain. I miss them so much… I wish you the best in your plans and really truly wish you peace and relief and suffering. How are you planning to CTB, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[arthurkuzechov]

Thank you so much for the love and sending more back And I agree with you. It's nice we will be able to go home to our loved ones without pain. I miss them so much… I wish you the best in your plans and really truly wish you peace and relief and suffering. How are you planning to CTB, if you don't mind me asking?

Thank you for your wishes I've got SN, and all I need is get benzos. But I guess I will manage without it. Other stuff for testing I've got today like test kit, and bottles for plain water etc. I plan to ctb at the midnight in my bed. I tried tourniquet but SI at that case was very strong.

 

[thelazyegg]

Thank you for your wishes I've got SN, and all I need is get benzos. But I guess I will manage without it. Other stuff for testing I've got today like test kit, and bottles for plain water etc. I plan to ctb at the midnight in my bed. I tried tourniquet but SI at that case was very strong.

Thank you for sharing! I was curious about SN but haven't done enough research. Honestly if my attempt fails (I really hope it doesn't, I'll probably get brain damage if I do) I may have to look at that next. I really wish you the best in your attempt and that it is completely painless when you do

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Maybe just try it with the car and if you don't succeed, back out etc, save your money for another try at Airbnb if you change your mind about exiting. As long as one has enough charcoal, 10 lb would be enough for a regular midsize vehicle. should be okay. Just make sure to burn the smoke off first, let them become non smoking coals and then put them in the car. One should tape the vents on the car, the doors are less important but definitely the air vents.

Mostly, I hope you're reunited with your love right away after. Good luck.

 

[thelazyegg]

Maybe just try it with the car and if you don't succeed, back out etc, save your money for another try at Airbnb if you change your mind about exiting. As long as one has enough charcoal, 10 lb would be enough for a regular midsize vehicle. should be okay. Just make sure to burn the smoke off first, let them become non smoking coals and then put them in the car. One should tape the vents on the car, the doors are less important but definitely the air vents.

Mostly, I hope you're reunited with your love right away after. Good luck.

Thank you so much I really appreciate your message. I have been trying to find an area with just my car that is secluded enough to not be discovered quickly and to have an area to prepare the charcoal in chimney starter and buckets. There are woods and mountains about an hour away, but it's hard for my kind of car to drive on the terrain to go off track. That's why I am thinking of getting an AirBnB in the mountains because 1) will for sure have a bbq grill on site 2) my car can be near by and 3) I can store ice packs and water in the freezer just in case it get too hot in the car for attempt. My car is 14 years old and not the most comfortable, so if I fail it would honestly be needed to be able to lay down somewhere comfortable and not drive for an hour while messed up. I'm scared of messing up.

I did the formula someone gave me and it came out to about 6-7 lbs of charcoal being good enough for my kind of car. I could always do 10 lbs to make sure I don't mess up. I did a practice round with chimney starter and I'm not sure if I need to wait until it starts to white inside chimney starter or pour it out while it's still flaming. I've seen some mixed answers about how long to have it in chimney starter. I got a 20 lbs. of lump charcoal and I'm pretty sure I only used 1 pound in my test. It was hot as hell so I'm trying to figure out a way to problem solve that since I'll have to sit with two hot buckets of charcoal in my car.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Thank you so much I really appreciate your message. I have been trying to find an area with just my car that is secluded enough to not be discovered quickly and to have an area to prepare the charcoal in chimney starter and buckets. There are woods and mountains about an hour away, but it's hard for my kind of car to drive on the terrain to go off track. That's why I am thinking of getting an AirBnB in the mountains because 1) will for sure have a bbq grill on site 2) my car can be near by and 3) I can store ice packs and water in the freezer just in case it get too hot in the car for attempt. My car is 14 years old and not the most comfortable, so if I fail it would honestly be needed to be able to lay down somewhere comfortable and not drive for an hour while messed up. I'm scared of messing up.

I did the formula someone gave me and it came out to about 6-7 lbs of charcoal being good enough for my kind of car. I could always do 10 lbs to make sure I don't mess up. I did a practice round with chimney starter and I'm not sure if I need to wait until it starts to white inside chimney starter or pour it out while it's still flaming. I've seen some mixed answers about how long to have it in chimney starter. I got a 20 lbs. of lump charcoal and I'm pretty sure I only used 1 pound in my test. It was hot as hell so I'm trying to figure out a way to problem solve that since I'll have to sit with two hot buckets of charcoal in my car.

Patio bricks. You won't burn the car. It might be hot for a little while but it shouldn't take long. One wouldn't notice the heat that long in other words.

 

[thelazyegg]

Patio bricks. You won't burn the car. It might be hot for a little while but it shouldn't take long. One wouldn't notice the heat that long in other words.

Yes, I agree. I got normal bricks for 60 cents but I need to get more. I got 4 and it's definitely not enough for one bucket. I figured I could lay them out under and behind the bucket so the bucket can't press against the fabric of the back car seat.

Are patio bricks longer? Like those patio squares? I've considered getting one for under. I am also thinking of using foil to put over top half of bucket. During my last test, the steel bucket seems pretty cooked but it did make it. It looks like my chimney starter in turns of appearance after being used. So I've even considered getting a whole new bucket since I'm worried it may not last another time. It's $13. I can't spend too much unfortunately due to only having like, $400 to my name altogether.

Also I just spent hours trying to find a location in nature to drive off the path to do this, but so far haven't found a good place. I still have time to book AirBnB for Sunday. I have to do a 2 night stay for $200 though. It will have rained during the day but the night I check in and want to do it, it shouldn't be raining anymore. If it still is, then I'd have the second day where there's no rain at all in the forecast.

 

[thelazyegg]

Update (4/13): I may have to consider rescheduling somehow. I was prescribed Tylenol with Codeine yesterday and I ended up having an allergic reaction to the medication that was supposed to help with my pain for my gum graft.
I almost went to ER last night. I'm still not completely well and struggling to breathe and sweating a lot and vomited acid (which can't be helping the healing of my gum graft). I may have to postpone since I am struggling to get out of bed so far today which messes with my attempt plans.

At least I know I can take the Tylenol with Codeine to foolproof my plans for CTB. It took a few hours for this effect to happen. I can take it with 300 mg of Quetiapine to really knock me out forever. I am extremely nervous though since I was close to having convulsions last night from how horrible the pain was. I really don't want to experience that pain for my CTB. Time to get some sleep, it's been hard to sleep with the intense radiating back and chest pain. The struggle to breathe though is making it a little easier to feel tired.

 

[SN;)]

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're in. I think it might be wise to postpone your attempt, it's hard to do the charcoal burning right if you can barely get out of bed. And doing it incorrectly, you might end up with brain damage, which to me sounds terrible.

I hope you will get a better chance someday! How I imagine my CTB, I think I would only do it if everything works as expected. And if I'm not fully in control, I would rescedule. When it's about my life or death, I think I have time to wait for the right occasion.

However this might end for you, I hope you find your peace!

 

[thelazyegg]

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you're in. I think it might be wise to postpone your attempt, it's hard to do the charcoal burning right if you can barely get out of bed. And doing it incorrectly, you might end up with brain damage, which to me sounds terrible.

I hope you will get a better chance someday! How I imagine my CTB, I think I would only do it if everything works as expected. And if I'm not fully in control, I would rescedule. When it's about my life or death, I think I have time to wait for the right occasion.

However this might end for you, I hope you find your peace!

I agree. Thank you so much
my emotional pain is so high. I'm alone with no one to help me. No one wants to spend time with me. If I died from the medical emergency last night, my body would have rotted for days and no one would know and my cat Marvin would starve.

I really want to die so badly right now, away from everything. I can't stop crying and being so sad. I really hate being alive. It is pure agony everyday. I feel like I'm in an agony prison all the time. I even filled the hummingbird feeder and watered plants as soon as I felt capable to, and all I can do is sob. My cat Marvin wants me to play with him, it's been days, but I'm still so depressed and agonized and now I can barely move around.

I really don't know how I can wait much longer. To be alive is the cruelest pain. Seriously I can't stop talking about how much emotional and physical pain I'm in. I'm tired of being annoying to everyone and a burden.

 

[Zanmato]

I really don't know how I can wait much longer. To be alive is the cruelest pain. Seriously I can't stop talking about how much emotional and physical pain I'm in. I'm tired of being annoying to everyone and a burden.

I'm so sorry to hear this
Truly
I hope you will find your peace

 

[Helween]

Heya, i truly hope that you succeed with your plan and find your peace, i'm a bit younger that you but relate a lot with what you've been through, i've been orphan at a very young age, and never came across a place to truly call home, my girlfriend, our dog and cute rabbits were my everything but i think i was too much of a burden for her, she told me last month that she didn't want to be with me anymore, i'm so lost, my insomnia never been this worst, i'm too tired to move on. i plan to CTB near next week, it'll be her birthday i really want give her a gift but i feel awful to go after that, i'm just too weak every day is a burden and a week is alrdeady a torture. I wish you good luck

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much and that life brought you to this point. I wish you all the best with your plan and I hope you find peace.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im so sorry for your suffering, i hope you find the peace you need <3