maggineko
Holding on 'till May
- Aug 10, 2026
- 10
Don't think I'll ever CTB autonomously. Kid you not, the only reason I hadn't ended it earlier was FOMO 
and I'm grateful I didn't, really, honestly
but somedays, I want to be held tightly by someone, have my face kissed gently. I want him to feed me whatever will kill me gently, and murmur comforting things to soothe the ache in my chest. Like a sort of Romeo and Juliet thing. Very romantic. Very rose-tinted glasses of me. I know it's silly, but I can't help but want it. I can't help but fantasise of it. Everybody wants to be loved in life, but I want to be loved into death too. I want to cry into his shoulder, wet his shirt, and not be scolded or interrogated. I don't want to be demanded "What's wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Why do you want to die?" I just want him to kiss my head, press his lips against my temple, and we die together holding each other tightly, knowing that there's no more options and that this is the best way for us.
I know I shouldn't want someone to assist my suicide. Deep down, true love means to me living through everything together, then holding hands when death comes naturally. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. But if I must die, I want to die loved, warm. I want to die in someone's arms. Death, the ugliest hour of life, smoothed over by the simple fact that someone loves me enough to watch me pass in their arms, even if I vomit on him, even if I get my tears all over him. Please just love me even then. I'm so lonely it hurts. I want him to hold me so tightly that it feels like our skin will fuse together. I want to die holding each other, him cradling me in my arms while I grasp onto him tight, and we melt into each other as the days pass and our bodies rot. We'll hold hands into the afterlife.
I've never been afraid to die. I just don't want to die alone, unloved, cold and lonely. My "boyfriend" doesn't even exist, there's no "he." All my friends already have someone. I miss him so much yet I've never known him anywhere except in my own head. I wish you were here to comfort me and lull me into sleep. I miss you every day. I'm prepared to die alone, heart aching, but as long as I live, how can I not wish for you? It's embarrassing but it's true. All I wanted was you, a concept, a figment of imagination, a proxy when I am too broken to help myself. How pathetic is this?
and I'm grateful I didn't, really, honestlybut somedays, I want to be held tightly by someone, have my face kissed gently. I want him to feed me whatever will kill me gently, and murmur comforting things to soothe the ache in my chest. Like a sort of Romeo and Juliet thing. Very romantic. Very rose-tinted glasses of me. I know it's silly, but I can't help but want it. I can't help but fantasise of it. Everybody wants to be loved in life, but I want to be loved into death too. I want to cry into his shoulder, wet his shirt, and not be scolded or interrogated. I don't want to be demanded "What's wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Why do you want to die?" I just want him to kiss my head, press his lips against my temple, and we die together holding each other tightly, knowing that there's no more options and that this is the best way for us.
I know I shouldn't want someone to assist my suicide. Deep down, true love means to me living through everything together, then holding hands when death comes naturally. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. But if I must die, I want to die loved, warm. I want to die in someone's arms. Death, the ugliest hour of life, smoothed over by the simple fact that someone loves me enough to watch me pass in their arms, even if I vomit on him, even if I get my tears all over him. Please just love me even then. I'm so lonely it hurts. I want him to hold me so tightly that it feels like our skin will fuse together. I want to die holding each other, him cradling me in my arms while I grasp onto him tight, and we melt into each other as the days pass and our bodies rot. We'll hold hands into the afterlife.
I've never been afraid to die. I just don't want to die alone, unloved, cold and lonely. My "boyfriend" doesn't even exist, there's no "he." All my friends already have someone. I miss him so much yet I've never known him anywhere except in my own head. I wish you were here to comfort me and lull me into sleep. I miss you every day. I'm prepared to die alone, heart aching, but as long as I live, how can I not wish for you? It's embarrassing but it's true. All I wanted was you, a concept, a figment of imagination, a proxy when I am too broken to help myself. How pathetic is this?
