I am little bit paranoid they might find out that it is this forum. I am not sure whether I should stay vague. But in my country there is close to zero coverage about sanctioned suicide.
People who were close to be told me I should be open and transparent about everything at maximum. About all my plans to kill myself. I am hesitant. Compared to most people on here I am very very explicit. However, there are two things I won't tell them and that is not negotiable. I won't tell them that I have successfully ordered SN and that it is stored safely in my apartment. I certainly won't do this because of the recent crackdowns in Eastern Europe with less and less sellers. If I have a really severe mental breakdown I am very determined to kill myself. And this breakdown could be close. I don't have the capacity to stomach another rock bottom. I simply cannot endure that anymore. No matter what.
The second no-go is: that the forum I mentioned is identified as Sanctioned Suicide. I am very careful which information I give them about the suicide website I mentioned. After all the coverage about SaSu where they call longterm members disgusting monsters and stuff like that. I am sort of anxious they would kick me out soon. Or they would transfer me to a clinic with more severe cases and less freedom. I am overnight at home despite the fact I was quite open about my suicidality and despair.
I think some people on here consider me probably insane for being that open in the first place. However, i have to say most people on here are way way too paranoid about involuntary clinic stays (in my experience). Just in order to be on the safe side I repeated a thousand times I am not acute suicidal. Which was probably unnecessary. I told them never violated a non-suicide contract and I never attempted suicide. (well I carefully plan that the one shot will be the last one in order not to risk permanent damage.)
I feel pretty pretty bad. I will come later to the words of the therapist I talked to. But first: I am in a critical condition. It is really dangerous. I have to make a hiatus from college and it rips me apart. I feel extremely like a loser and blame myself for it. I feel insane pressure. At the same time the choice was between suicide in college or another (hopeles) recovery attempt in a clinic. And I chose the latter one. Ironically the clinic stay could be the final nail in the coffin. The clinic starts pretty early in the morning and that fuels my mania. And I feel close to a mixed manic depressive episode. If it really becomes that and I have a complete breakdown I might kill myself soon. In case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns I kill myself. And I don't give a fuck on anti suicide contracts in case I return to this living hell. The impact on my friends and family will be way way worse compared to random staff of a clinic. I would not violate the contract lightly. I feel committed to it to a certain extent. But not if I hit rock bottom.
Now to the meat of this story. So I had this talk with a psychologist. I am not sure how insane and pathetic I sounded when I described my love delusions. I rather should not spend too much time on thinking about it. I despise myself currently so much. I am so disgusted of myself. I told her my living hell in the recent years. I won't repeat it now. But it contains a lot of suicidal thoughts and recent acute suicidality and complete and utter hopelessness for the future.
First, when I told her I visit a suicide forum: No response of her. We talked about something else first. When I mentioned the forum again I emphasized I am very certain that this forum is the only reason I have made it thus far. It helped me to survive. I gave sort of a short speech about it. But not a very long one. We still talked about something else first. Some minutes later her response. Really it was sort of funny. She talked to me like I was an immature and stupid child. I try to paraphrase or vaguely quote it: "Look, suicide forums are really bad. We want that your suicidal thoughts go away. Suicide forums do the opposite they increase suicidal thoughts. When we work together we have to agree that you don't visit suicide forums anymore because this would be counterproductive for you mental health." I was a little bit irritated because she was not responsive about my argument. And I just said well. "Well okay I guess then I don't visit it anymore..." And they simply bought it. Which felt so weird. Me after giving this speech to defend the forum assuming I would just quit it forever if a therapist tells me it is bad with non argumentation behind it. I had to bite back to chuckle because I in that moment I already envisioned to share this meat story on this forum. Lmao.
She completely dismissed my argument, ignored it and gave like some 2-3 sentences which sounded like she does not have any experiences with suicide forums. I am very sure she never was on one in her whole life time. It sounded like some standard phrases they learned at college reading biased media articles. Probably only one.
So most people on here will tell me its my own fault to debate with these people. But to some extent I don't give a fuck. There are worse things like some therapists lecturing me on something they don't know dick. The German state spends like almost 10 k in my health (at least). I enjoy that. It prolongs the suffering.
I feel committed to my best friends who don't want to lose me. Moreover, I am scared a suicide attempt of mine could either disable or kill my mom who recenty had two strokes. As long as I have money I can cope by spending it. But I have the feeling I am running out of time. I don't know how much time I still have.
People who were close to be told me I should be open and transparent about everything at maximum. About all my plans to kill myself. I am hesitant. Compared to most people on here I am very very explicit. However, there are two things I won't tell them and that is not negotiable. I won't tell them that I have successfully ordered SN and that it is stored safely in my apartment. I certainly won't do this because of the recent crackdowns in Eastern Europe with less and less sellers. If I have a really severe mental breakdown I am very determined to kill myself. And this breakdown could be close. I don't have the capacity to stomach another rock bottom. I simply cannot endure that anymore. No matter what.
The second no-go is: that the forum I mentioned is identified as Sanctioned Suicide. I am very careful which information I give them about the suicide website I mentioned. After all the coverage about SaSu where they call longterm members disgusting monsters and stuff like that. I am sort of anxious they would kick me out soon. Or they would transfer me to a clinic with more severe cases and less freedom. I am overnight at home despite the fact I was quite open about my suicidality and despair.
I think some people on here consider me probably insane for being that open in the first place. However, i have to say most people on here are way way too paranoid about involuntary clinic stays (in my experience). Just in order to be on the safe side I repeated a thousand times I am not acute suicidal. Which was probably unnecessary. I told them never violated a non-suicide contract and I never attempted suicide. (well I carefully plan that the one shot will be the last one in order not to risk permanent damage.)
I feel pretty pretty bad. I will come later to the words of the therapist I talked to. But first: I am in a critical condition. It is really dangerous. I have to make a hiatus from college and it rips me apart. I feel extremely like a loser and blame myself for it. I feel insane pressure. At the same time the choice was between suicide in college or another (hopeles) recovery attempt in a clinic. And I chose the latter one. Ironically the clinic stay could be the final nail in the coffin. The clinic starts pretty early in the morning and that fuels my mania. And I feel close to a mixed manic depressive episode. If it really becomes that and I have a complete breakdown I might kill myself soon. In case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns I kill myself. And I don't give a fuck on anti suicide contracts in case I return to this living hell. The impact on my friends and family will be way way worse compared to random staff of a clinic. I would not violate the contract lightly. I feel committed to it to a certain extent. But not if I hit rock bottom.
Now to the meat of this story. So I had this talk with a psychologist. I am not sure how insane and pathetic I sounded when I described my love delusions. I rather should not spend too much time on thinking about it. I despise myself currently so much. I am so disgusted of myself. I told her my living hell in the recent years. I won't repeat it now. But it contains a lot of suicidal thoughts and recent acute suicidality and complete and utter hopelessness for the future.
First, when I told her I visit a suicide forum: No response of her. We talked about something else first. When I mentioned the forum again I emphasized I am very certain that this forum is the only reason I have made it thus far. It helped me to survive. I gave sort of a short speech about it. But not a very long one. We still talked about something else first. Some minutes later her response. Really it was sort of funny. She talked to me like I was an immature and stupid child. I try to paraphrase or vaguely quote it: "Look, suicide forums are really bad. We want that your suicidal thoughts go away. Suicide forums do the opposite they increase suicidal thoughts. When we work together we have to agree that you don't visit suicide forums anymore because this would be counterproductive for you mental health." I was a little bit irritated because she was not responsive about my argument. And I just said well. "Well okay I guess then I don't visit it anymore..." And they simply bought it. Which felt so weird. Me after giving this speech to defend the forum assuming I would just quit it forever if a therapist tells me it is bad with non argumentation behind it. I had to bite back to chuckle because I in that moment I already envisioned to share this meat story on this forum. Lmao.
She completely dismissed my argument, ignored it and gave like some 2-3 sentences which sounded like she does not have any experiences with suicide forums. I am very sure she never was on one in her whole life time. It sounded like some standard phrases they learned at college reading biased media articles. Probably only one.
So most people on here will tell me its my own fault to debate with these people. But to some extent I don't give a fuck. There are worse things like some therapists lecturing me on something they don't know dick. The German state spends like almost 10 k in my health (at least). I enjoy that. It prolongs the suffering.
I feel committed to my best friends who don't want to lose me. Moreover, I am scared a suicide attempt of mine could either disable or kill my mom who recenty had two strokes. As long as I have money I can cope by spending it. But I have the feeling I am running out of time. I don't know how much time I still have.
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