Story state of mind of a 18y old

[Baron]

Hello, I am student in his last months of school living in germany. This forum has truly been a blessing to me in the past year, I am very greatful. I usually made posts venting, but today I wanna mix it up. I have been depressed for a couple of years already and I want to write down my state of mind and situation in life. In the end, when I'm feeling at my lowest, I often turn to SS, it helps me cope with my lonelieness. And here I am again typing on my phone, as if time around me has stopped and the only thing that exists is me and my thoughts.

I wanna die, truly, but it isn't so easy as the words make it out to be - I'm sure you guys understand this.

I did go to a therapist a couple years ago, but I hated it and was luckily able to stop. Probably because I didn't open myself up to the therapist to the fullest extent. I don't even want to think about what kind of consequences that would've resulted in.

Now more to my current situation:

I am underweight and severly malnutricioned, because I have been barely eating since last september. I mostly would only eat 1 meal each day, wich was often not even a proper one, to the point where today I cannot even remember the last day I ate 2 meals (probably in 2023). My mother is constantly reminding me of and urging me on to eat and I hate it. I despise eating, it makes me feel sick, it makes me feel fat. I was pretty overweight and fat (100kg) in my teenage years and I don't ever want to go back.

I spend the majority of my time distracting myself from my struggles - playing video games and consuming media, especially anime. Anime in paticular probably influenced my current eating habit. The perfect body, something you often see in the Internet. I became emotionally attached to not the fit male body, that the majority probably strives to, but rather the skinny and slender female body. Everytime I see any skinny legs, my mind is pulled into a hurtful train of thoughts: "Those skinny legs are so beautiful" --> "My legs are fat and disgusting" --> "I have to stop eating"

I am completly devoid of any confidence in my social skills, wich are bad to begin with.
I am very lonely and never interact with people outside of school.
I am destroying my body by not eating properly.
I am distracting myself from my thoughts by indulging in video games and media.

I often cry, laying in my bed, staring into an imaginary void. It's at times like this "he" becomes more prominent. A couple of months ago, when I had an intense mental breakdown, I was laying in my bed crying as usual. But at that time i saw something in the darkness of my room - a figure, a person? I myself do not know, yet somehow, in my sorrow, I have managed to form an imaginary entity that looks at me and watches me at all times. To this day he is here, in my room, this very moment. Watching me and laughing at my pathetic self. Never came a word out of his mouth, he is not responding to my words. It sounds ridiculous. I know he is not real, I know he is a creation of my mind, yet he still exists, watching me. I often question my own sanity in regard to this.

Even though I am using media as a distraction, I am also not. I love reading romance and slice of life manga and I often continuosly cry while reading them (especially yuri). While reading I am confronting myself with love, compassion, kindness and so many more things I am devoid of. I do not know why, but I can not stop consuming this kind of media, even though it reminds me of my pathetic and miserable self constantly. Maybe that alone is the reason, wich makes me feel even more insane.

Now I am laying in my bed with scars of self harm on my thighs, with an imaginary being watching me, with tears in my eyes and with my upcoming final exams and I think to myself: "Why am I still living? Why am not killing myself? How am I supposed to live in society and get a job?"

It plagues my mind, thinking and thinking, non-stop thinking. In the end I always arrive at the same conclusion: "I am miserable and pathetic. Noone will ever accept my true feelings. Noone will ever love me. For I am the definition of a human failure."

Thank you for reading this. I spent an hour typing on my phone and I hope this let's me cope with my feelings at least for a short while.

 

[4_science]

Best of luck, strength and energy for the finals. <3 You can do this!

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Thats so relatable. Like- I mean also from Germany, loves anime, also reads manga (but mostly yaoi smt also Yuri it's kind of a mix), sh, student with fear to never get a proper job bc my grades are not that great and my dream is to be an artist, so it's not looking that great. I'm not thaaaat underweight only a bit.
Just noticed maybe it seems kinda creepy to you, but damn there are just so many similarities. But anyway you don't have to rush things when it comes to kys. I'm thinking about it every day and my plans are pretty complete, nevertheless I'm still here. Probably bc I don't have the balls to go through with it. Really just existing until it gets either unbearable or better.
Still best wishes, I hope life's gets a bit better soon.

 

[Linda]

Hello, I am student in his last months of school living in germany. This forum has truly been a blessing to me in the past year, I am very greatful. I usually made posts venting, but today I wanna mix it up. I have been depressed for a couple of years already and I want to write down my state of mind and situation in life. In the end, when I'm feeling at my lowest, I often turn to SS, it helps me cope with my lonelieness. And here I am again typing on my phone, as if time around me has stopped and the only thing that exists is me and my thoughts.

I wanna die, truly, but it isn't so easy as the words make it out to be - I'm sure you guys understand this.

I did go to a therapist a couple years ago, but I hated it and was luckily able to stop. Probably because I didn't open myself up to the therapist to the fullest extent. I don't even want to think about what kind of consequences that would've resulted in.

Now more to my current situation:

I am underweight and severly malnutricioned, because I have been barely eating since last september. I mostly would only eat 1 meal each day, wich was often not even a proper one, to the point where today I cannot even remember the last day I ate 2 meals (probably in 2023). My mother is constantly reminding me of and urging me on to eat and I hate it. I despise eating, it makes me feel sick, it makes me feel fat. I was pretty overweight and fat (100kg) in my teenage years and I don't ever want to go back.

I spend the majority of my time distracting myself from my struggles - playing video games and consuming media, especially anime. Anime in paticular probably influenced my current eating habit. The perfect body, something you often see in the Internet. I became emotionally attached to not the fit male body, that the majority probably strives to, but rather the skinny and slender female body. Everytime I see any skinny legs, my mind is pulled into a hurtful train of thoughts: "Those skinny legs are so beautiful" --> "My legs are fat and disgusting" --> "I have to stop eating"

I am completly devoid of any confidence in my social skills, wich are bad to begin with.
I am very lonely and never interact with people outside of school.
I am destroying my body by not eating properly.
I am distracting myself from my thoughts by indulging in video games and media.

I often cry, laying in my bed, staring into an imaginary void. It's at times like this "he" becomes more prominent. A couple of months ago, when I had an intense mental breakdown, I was laying in my bed crying as usual. But at that time i saw something in the darkness of my room - a figure, a person? I myself do not know, yet somehow, in my sorrow, I have managed to form an imaginary entity that looks at me and watches me at all times. To this day he is here, in my room, this very moment. Watching me and laughing at my pathetic self. Never came a word out of his mouth, he is not responding to my words. It sounds ridiculous. I know he is not real, I know he is a creation of my mind, yet he still exists, watching me. I often question my own sanity in regard to this.

Even though I am using media as a distraction, I am also not. I love reading romance and slice of life manga and I often continuosly cry while reading them (especially yuri). While reading I am confronting myself with love, compassion, kindness and so many more things I am devoid of. I do not know why, but I can not stop consuming this kind of media, even though it reminds me of my pathetic and miserable self constantly. Maybe that alone is the reason, wich makes me feel even more insane.

Now I am laying in my bed with scars of self harm on my thighs, with an imaginary being watching me, with tears in my eyes and with my upcoming final exams and I think to myself: "Why am I still living? Why am not killing myself? How am I supposed to live in society and get a job?"

It plagues my mind, thinking and thinking, non-stop thinking. In the end I always arrive at the same conclusion: "I am miserable and pathetic. Noone will ever accept my true feelings. Noone will ever love me. For I am the definition of a human failure."

Thank you for reading this. I spent an hour typing on my phone and I hope this let's me cope with my feelings at least for a short while.

(1) "I am completly devoid of any confidence in my social skills, wich are bad to begin with.
(2) I am very lonely and never interact with people outside of school.
(3) I am destroying my body by not eating properly.
(4) I am distracting myself from my thoughts by indulging in video games and media."
I don't think you can fix all those problems simultanously, so let's take them in order. A reasonable order to tackle them (though not the only possible order) would seem to be 3, then 1 and 2, then 4.
So let's begin with 3. You know how to be overweight, since you have been there. You know how to be underweight, since that's where you are now. So you have enough experience to be about-the-right-weight. Can you think this through, apply what you certainly already know, and find a path to eating about the right amount?
Once you have got the eating reasonably under control, you could move on to 2. The only way to learn how to interact with people is to interact with people, and the only way to do that is to put yourself in situations where people are present. A good way to do it that is to join a group (or several groups) concerned with some interest (or interests) that you share. If you have no interests, then you could join a group that is involved in something that you think might perhaps interest you. (I used to be involved in several groups that went out into the wilderness, or at least the outdoors. More recently, I have been involved in several dance groups.) The nice thing about joining a group is that you will get to meet the same people repeatedly, and that is a much more reliable way to make friends than random interactions with people.
If you do 2, and stick at it, then you will gradually acquire some social skills. It will take time, and will probably be difficult at first, so don't expect an instant miracle cure, but it will happen.
If you have acquired some friends, and have developed at least a little confidence in your ability to interact with people you will have less need for the video games, so I think 4 will take care of itself.
Does all that make any sense?

 

[Baron]

(1) "I am completly devoid of any confidence in my social skills, wich are bad to begin with.
(2) I am very lonely and never interact with people outside of school.
(3) I am destroying my body by not eating properly.
(4) I am distracting myself from my thoughts by indulging in video games and media."
I don't think you can fix all those problems simultanously, so let's take them in order. A reasonable order to tackle them (though not the only possible order) would seem to be 3, then 1 and 2, then 4.
So let's begin with 3. You know how to be overweight, since you have been there. You know how to be underweight, since that's where you are now. So you have enough experience to be about-the-right-weight. Can you think this through, apply what you certainly already know, and find a path to eating about the right amount?
Once you have got the eating reasonably under control, you could move on to 2. The only way to learn how to interact with people is to interact with people, and the only way to do that is to put yourself in situations where people are present. A good way to do it that is to join a group (or several groups) concerned with some interest (or interests) that you share. If you have no interests, then you could join a group that is involved in something that you think might perhaps interest you. (I used to be involved in several groups that went out into the wilderness, or at least the outdoors. More recently, I have been involved in several dance groups.) The nice thing about joining a group is that you will get to meet the same people repeatedly, and that is a much more reliable way to make friends than random interactions with people.
If you do 2, and stick at it, then you will gradually acquire some social skills. It will take time, and will probably be difficult at first, so don't expect an instant miracle cure, but it will happen.
If you have acquired some friends, and have developed at least a little confidence in your ability to interact with people you will have less need for the video games, so I think 4 will take care of itself.
Does all that make any sense?

It makes sense and is completly doable. Besides all the points I rambled about lies the main problem. I have no motivation to change myself. I don't want to change myself in that regard. If I could, I would eat even less, but mentally I am too weak to do that. Even the thought of gaining weight again disgusts me, even if it is for a healthy body. It seems I do not wish a healthy life, yet I hate it. Maybe I am hurting myself just to hurt myself. I feel so weird thinking about that logic, it makes me feel insane, wich again gives my mind some kind of comfort - it's almost like I wanna be insane. I thank you for your advice, but this was just some venting. Before I gain the resolve to fix my life I will gain the resolve to end my life... I think, I hope.

 

[Linda]

It makes sense and is completly doable. Besides all the points I rambled about lies the main problem. I have no motivation to change myself. I don't want to change myself in that regard. If I could, I would eat even less, but mentally I am too weak to do that. Even the thought of gaining weight again disgusts me, even if it is for a healthy body. It seems I do not wish a healthy life, yet I hate it. Maybe I am hurting myself just to hurt myself. I feel so weird thinking about that logic, it makes me feel insane, wich again gives my mind some kind of comfort - it's almost like I wanna be insane. I thank you for your advice, but this was just some venting. Before I gain the resolve to fix my life I will gain the resolve to end my life... I think, I hope.

Perhaps you could consider therapy again. If you do, it's important to be open and honest with your therapist. They can't help you if they don't know what is going on in your head, and they won't know if you don't tell them. Therapists are not psychic.

 

[AllMyDreams]

It makes sense and is completly doable. Besides all the points I rambled about lies the main problem. I have no motivation to change myself. I don't want to change myself in that regard. If I could, I would eat even less, but mentally I am too weak to do that. Even the thought of gaining weight again disgusts me, even if it is for a healthy body. It seems I do not wish a healthy life, yet I hate it. Maybe I am hurting myself just to hurt myself. I feel so weird thinking about that logic, it makes me feel insane, wich again gives my mind some kind of comfort - it's almost like I wanna be insane. I thank you for your advice, but this was just some venting. Before I gain the resolve to fix my life I will gain the resolve to end my life... I think, I hope.

I will be honest, it sounds like deep down, you hate yourself. But you shouldn't because you were born into your life circumstances and genetics you can't control, and you have only done the best that you can. Other people who are more 'successful' usually just have better life circumstances and genetics. So, don't be ashamed.

I agree with what @Linda suggested, and if you can learn to like yourself just for existing, that will help a lot too, You out of billions of possible combinations of humans actually made it, and that's pretty cool. And you've accomplished a lot by making it through school when many others in your situation would have dropped out, and you are lucky to have a supportive family and live in a first-world country.

When I was 18 I wanted to CTB every day, now I'm 24 and much better (I still want to reasonably often, but I've also experienced/achieved some wonderful things). Change is possible and you don't have to do everything right or be better than anyone else to achieve it.

 

[theboy]

I am sorry you are going through these states of hopelessness and pain. I understand you. I had anorexia in the pandemic and apparently, it has returned. I really want to be as thin as possible.
That shadow you see, may be a sign of ezquisophrenia but that has to be diagnosed by a doctor. pm if you want.