Venting I can't tolerate having OCD anymore

[HopelessBread]

I'm so sick of having OCD, it's intolerable. There's always just fucking something, I can never just exist without my OCD flaring up and stressing me out. I'm tired of all the cleaning, I'm tired of all the stress, I'm tired of checking shit over and over and over again, it's just so fucking exhausting.

I don't have access to therapy, so I can't get any help there, and god knows they would just say some shit like "down a whole bottle of SSRIs each morning and you'll be fine" instead of trying to treat the problem. I don't think SSRIs are inherently evil, I don't think any medication is, they work for a lot of people and that's great, I'm not trying to demonize medication. It's just that for every story I've heard of a medication working for someone, there's another story right next to it about how it genuinely destroyed their life, leaving them permanently damaged from it. I'm not going to take that risk, I know I won't be lucky enough for medication to work, and cycling through a bunch of them in hopes one of them would work only increases the odds of me being permanently fucked up from it. Nobody seems to understand this though, it's all about "oh you're not weak for taking meds, you don't need to tough it out, just keep trying them until it works" as if that's my fucking problem, and not the genuine risk for permanently damaging myself. I'm genuinely so tired of people refusing to understand what my issue is, and just making up some shit about how I think or feel instead of just listening to what I'm actually saying. What's the point of words if nobody understands what they mean?

Even if I were to find some medication that doesn't have any side effects, and it effectively got rid of my OCD, I would still want to CTB, because OCD isn't the only issue in my life, it's just the one bothering me most right now. I'm not going to risk permanently ruining my life in hopes of fixing a single problem, and if I have to kill my ability to feel anything at all, what's the point? It sometimes feels like the only goal with medication is to get someone into a condition where they can work a shitty job until their body breaks down and they rot away and die. I'm not putting up with that shit, I'm not ruining my life even more to achieve literally fucking nothing.

It would be so nice if I could solve my OCD though, even if solving it wouldn't change my desire to CTB, at least I would have more time to do things that matter to me, instead of the constant cleaning and checking and rituals and other stupid shit I'm just so sick and tired of dealing with. I sometimes wonder how bad it would be if I just tried brute forcing my way through it, if I just entered a situation where I feel compelled to clean myself 100 fucking times, and then just didn't. I keep being told not to do it because it would go poorly, but would it really be that bad, relative to continuously experiencing this fucking nightmare? Of course, if my goal is to end this nightmare, then I think I would have the best chance at doing so if I were to CTB, but unfortunately I'm not able to do so, so I just have to settle for trying to cope with this horrific existence.

 

[sleepytime5]

Please before suicide try medication, for me it was a game changer for OCD, not for CPTSD and ADHD tho, but for OCD it did wonders, my thoughts are now almost always completely ignored and I managed to have fun recently. I REALLY relate to your post, and the other things part too which is why I am here, the reason I chose to try medicine was because if I were to CTB I might as well try, do the same you never know really, before getting worse with my other issues I had a period where I actually stopped being suicidal

 

[HopelessBread]

It is true that I can't be certain medication won't work on me, but I think the risks are too great for me specifically, as my body has a tendency to react negatively, or not react at all, to much lighter forms of medication. If it were to go poorly, I would be in a significantly worse situation than I am in now, even if the OCD itself is treated. Despite how much I wish my OCD was gone, the odds of medication working out for me specifically are too slim for me to feel comfortable taking the risk. Taking risks has almost never worked out for me in the end, something always ends up going wrong for me.

I am very glad that medication has helped you though, I hope that everything turns out well for you.

 

[RoachClassified]

i also struggle with OCD and i can really relate. back then i didn't even know i had OCD, i had those constant cleaning rituals and checking rituals that i couldn't supress and it just became really exhausting and overwhelming. i found out about OCD only after like a year, then i started to think what should i do against it: i tried to get my hands on medication first, i've never been officially diagnosed so i tried to get them illegally by faking the recipe and then buying it, didnt' risk it because it was too complicated, instead i tried exposure & response prevention therapy and it just didn't work. sure, it made me get rid of some OCD symptoms like constant cleaning, but it was just not worth it at all. during this, i was stressed for hours, days, weeks and even fucking months, only to make one ritual replace another.

the worst thing about OCD is not the constant cleaning or checking rituals, but the part where it just takes a moment from your life and then starts looping it around, causing distress, literally forcing me into repetitive mental checking that i can't do shit about. no rituals, constant distress from a single thought that can go on for months. i'm literally feeling anxious over one right now and there's just nothing i can do about it. OCD only got worse for me and now i'm just living with endless anxiety

 

[Canto XIII]

I feel you, I've seriously struggled with it for most of my life, with a dirt-related one as well. All I can tell you is that it did get better for me, to a point where it's mostly unnoticeable in my everyday life. I used farms, but I can't really tell how big their role was (even if they probably had some, I suppose).

 

[sacrilegeofsouls]

I'm so sick of having OCD, it's intolerable. There's always just fucking something, I can never just exist without my OCD flaring up and stressing me out. I'm tired of all the cleaning, I'm tired of all the stress, I'm tired of checking shit over and over and over again, it's just so fucking exhausting.

I don't have access to therapy, so I can't get any help there, and god knows they would just say some shit like "down a whole bottle of SSRIs each morning and you'll be fine" instead of trying to treat the problem. I don't think SSRIs are inherently evil, I don't think any medication is, they work for a lot of people and that's great, I'm not trying to demonize medication. It's just that for every story I've heard of a medication working for someone, there's another story right next to it about how it genuinely destroyed their life, leaving them permanently damaged from it. I'm not going to take that risk, I know I won't be lucky enough for medication to work, and cycling through a bunch of them in hopes one of them would work only increases the odds of me being permanently fucked up from it. Nobody seems to understand this though, it's all about "oh you're not weak for taking meds, you don't need to tough it out, just keep trying them until it works" as if that's my fucking problem, and not the genuine risk for permanently damaging myself. I'm genuinely so tired of people refusing to understand what my issue is, and just making up some shit about how I think or feel instead of just listening to what I'm actually saying. What's the point of words if nobody understands what they mean?

Even if I were to find some medication that doesn't have any side effects, and it effectively got rid of my OCD, I would still want to CTB, because OCD isn't the only issue in my life, it's just the one bothering me most right now. I'm not going to risk permanently ruining my life in hopes of fixing a single problem, and if I have to kill my ability to feel anything at all, what's the point? It sometimes feels like the only goal with medication is to get someone into a condition where they can work a shitty job until their body breaks down and they rot away and die. I'm not putting up with that shit, I'm not ruining my life even more to achieve literally fucking nothing.

It would be so nice if I could solve my OCD though, even if solving it wouldn't change my desire to CTB, at least I would have more time to do things that matter to me, instead of the constant cleaning and checking and rituals and other stupid shit I'm just so sick and tired of dealing with. I sometimes wonder how bad it would be if I just tried brute forcing my way through it, if I just entered a situation where I feel compelled to clean myself 100 fucking times, and then just didn't. I keep being told not to do it because it would go poorly, but would it really be that bad, relative to continuously experiencing this fucking nightmare? Of course, if my goal is to end this nightmare, then I think I would have the best chance at doing so if I were to CTB, but unfortunately I'm not able to do so, so I just have to settle for trying to cope with this horrific existence.

I have pretty much the worst level of ocd a person can have at times I spent weeks doing compulsions having panic attacks and identity crisises months years wasted on nothing.

I was prescribed meds alongside therapy upon my doctors visit so I just never went to the therapist again and threw away my meds even for people in which they work SEEMINGLY well there's still some side effects and honestly I want to be myself and I don't want to be dependent on medication so I decided I was gonna fix my life unassisted and I've actually been decently successful I mean it still fucking sucks but compared to how I used to be it's actually miles better I'm sure you can pull it off too have you considered ERP(exposure and response prevention) I did that at home along side just brute forcing not doing compulsions in the end what helps is obviously whenever I'm having a thought or episode I identify it "oh I'm ocding out rn" then I stop all actions related to ocd and do smth else don't even talk to yourself or the thoughts read a book play a game focus on that don't even check If the thought is going away or not just be like idc if the thought is there or not I'm gonna read my book or whatever and eventually it'll be gone and you won't even notice. Just yesterday I was living life and suddenly I realized holy shit I haven't ocded out in two days. Ofcourse trying to brute force avoiding the compulsions for the most stressful thoughts is very difficult and often I had slip ups that's why ERP helps build up that tolerance till avoiding compulsions became a tad easier. It's like muscles you can't lift 40 kilos on your first day or avoid the most stressful thought but if u start by avoiding the lower stress level thoughts and slowly build up eventually it'll get easier. Ofcourse I was still able to mostly ignore even high stress level thoughts with enough self awareness and will power and constant reminders even without doing erp so u may not even need it but
Make sure to write down reminders to not ocd and read em every morning.


Anyway that's all I know so far I hope atleast some of it can help you feel a little better

 

[SighCry]

I'm so sick of having OCD, it's intolerable. There's always just fucking something, I can never just exist without my OCD flaring up and stressing me out. I'm tired of all the cleaning, I'm tired of all the stress, I'm tired of checking shit over and over and over again, it's just so fucking exhausting.

I don't have access to therapy, so I can't get any help there, and god knows they would just say some shit like "down a whole bottle of SSRIs each morning and you'll be fine" instead of trying to treat the problem. I don't think SSRIs are inherently evil, I don't think any medication is, they work for a lot of people and that's great, I'm not trying to demonize medication. It's just that for every story I've heard of a medication working for someone, there's another story right next to it about how it genuinely destroyed their life, leaving them permanently damaged from it. I'm not going to take that risk, I know I won't be lucky enough for medication to work, and cycling through a bunch of them in hopes one of them would work only increases the odds of me being permanently fucked up from it. Nobody seems to understand this though, it's all about "oh you're not weak for taking meds, you don't need to tough it out, just keep trying them until it works" as if that's my fucking problem, and not the genuine risk for permanently damaging myself. I'm genuinely so tired of people refusing to understand what my issue is, and just making up some shit about how I think or feel instead of just listening to what I'm actually saying. What's the point of words if nobody understands what they mean?

Even if I were to find some medication that doesn't have any side effects, and it effectively got rid of my OCD, I would still want to CTB, because OCD isn't the only issue in my life, it's just the one bothering me most right now. I'm not going to risk permanently ruining my life in hopes of fixing a single problem, and if I have to kill my ability to feel anything at all, what's the point? It sometimes feels like the only goal with medication is to get someone into a condition where they can work a shitty job until their body breaks down and they rot away and die. I'm not putting up with that shit, I'm not ruining my life even more to achieve literally fucking nothing.

It would be so nice if I could solve my OCD though, even if solving it wouldn't change my desire to CTB, at least I would have more time to do things that matter to me, instead of the constant cleaning and checking and rituals and other stupid shit I'm just so sick and tired of dealing with. I sometimes wonder how bad it would be if I just tried brute forcing my way through it, if I just entered a situation where I feel compelled to clean myself 100 fucking times, and then just didn't. I keep being told not to do it because it would go poorly, but would it really be that bad, relative to continuously experiencing this fucking nightmare? Of course, if my goal is to end this nightmare, then I think I would have the best chance at doing so if I were to CTB, but unfortunately I'm not able to do so, so I just have to settle for trying to cope with this horrific existence.

If you can afford this book I would highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com.au/Doubt-Ill...8797449702-0987911988-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

In Australia you can do courses like this for free through your GP. Do you have anything like it where you live? https://thiswayup.org.au/what-we-treat/ocd

Sending hugs
Also I don't mean to just suggest therapy or treatment. I do truly understand how hard it is to have OCD. Just wanted to help

 

[HopelessBread]

I have pretty much the worst level of ocd a person can have at times I spent weeks doing compulsions having panic attacks and identity crisises months years wasted on nothing.

I was prescribed meds alongside therapy upon my doctors visit so I just never went to the therapist again and threw away my meds even for people in which they work SEEMINGLY well there's still some side effects and honestly I want to be myself and I don't want to be dependent on medication so I decided I was gonna fix my life unassisted and I've actually been decently successful I mean it still fucking sucks but compared to how I used to be it's actually miles better I'm sure you can pull it off too have you considered ERP(exposure and response prevention) I did that at home along side just brute forcing not doing compulsions in the end what helps is obviously whenever I'm having a thought or episode I identify it "oh I'm ocding out rn" then I stop all actions related to ocd and do smth else don't even talk to yourself or the thoughts read a book play a game focus on that don't even check If the thought is going away or not just be like idc if the thought is there or not I'm gonna read my book or whatever and eventually it'll be gone and you won't even notice. Just yesterday I was living life and suddenly I realized holy shit I haven't ocded out in two days. Ofcourse trying to brute force avoiding the compulsions for the most stressful thoughts is very difficult and often I had slip ups that's why ERP helps build up that tolerance till avoiding compulsions became a tad easier. It's like muscles you can't lift 40 kilos on your first day or avoid the most stressful thought but if u start by avoiding the lower stress level thoughts and slowly build up eventually it'll get easier. Ofcourse I was still able to mostly ignore even high stress level thoughts with enough self awareness and will power and constant reminders even without doing erp so u may not even need it but
Make sure to write down reminders to not ocd and read em every morning.


Anyway that's all I know so far I hope atleast some of it can help you feel a little better

Thank you very much for the advice, I will try doing as you have suggested. I'm glad doing so has helped with your OCD.

If you can afford this book I would highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com.au/Doubt-Ill...8797449702-0987911988-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

In Australia you can do courses like this for free through your GP. Do you have anything like it where you live? https://thiswayup.org.au/what-we-treat/ocd

Sending hugs
Also I don't mean to just suggest therapy or treatment. I do truly understand how hard it is to have OCD. Just wanted to help

Thank you for the book recommendation, when I have some spare money I will check it out. In regards to the course, unfortunately I do not have a GP, but I will look around for any courses and see if there's any I can try, though I will likely need to save some money to be able to do so. Thank you very much for the help.