HopelessBread
i feel hopeless
- Nov 6, 2024
- 9
I'm so sick of having OCD, it's intolerable. There's always just fucking something, I can never just exist without my OCD flaring up and stressing me out. I'm tired of all the cleaning, I'm tired of all the stress, I'm tired of checking shit over and over and over again, it's just so fucking exhausting.
I don't have access to therapy, so I can't get any help there, and god knows they would just say some shit like "down a whole bottle of SSRIs each morning and you'll be fine" instead of trying to treat the problem. I don't think SSRIs are inherently evil, I don't think any medication is, they work for a lot of people and that's great, I'm not trying to demonize medication. It's just that for every story I've heard of a medication working for someone, there's another story right next to it about how it genuinely destroyed their life, leaving them permanently damaged from it. I'm not going to take that risk, I know I won't be lucky enough for medication to work, and cycling through a bunch of them in hopes one of them would work only increases the odds of me being permanently fucked up from it. Nobody seems to understand this though, it's all about "oh you're not weak for taking meds, you don't need to tough it out, just keep trying them until it works" as if that's my fucking problem, and not the genuine risk for permanently damaging myself. I'm genuinely so tired of people refusing to understand what my issue is, and just making up some shit about how I think or feel instead of just listening to what I'm actually saying. What's the point of words if nobody understands what they mean?
Even if I were to find some medication that doesn't have any side effects, and it effectively got rid of my OCD, I would still want to CTB, because OCD isn't the only issue in my life, it's just the one bothering me most right now. I'm not going to risk permanently ruining my life in hopes of fixing a single problem, and if I have to kill my ability to feel anything at all, what's the point? It sometimes feels like the only goal with medication is to get someone into a condition where they can work a shitty job until their body breaks down and they rot away and die. I'm not putting up with that shit, I'm not ruining my life even more to achieve literally fucking nothing.
It would be so nice if I could solve my OCD though, even if solving it wouldn't change my desire to CTB, at least I would have more time to do things that matter to me, instead of the constant cleaning and checking and rituals and other stupid shit I'm just so sick and tired of dealing with. I sometimes wonder how bad it would be if I just tried brute forcing my way through it, if I just entered a situation where I feel compelled to clean myself 100 fucking times, and then just didn't. I keep being told not to do it because it would go poorly, but would it really be that bad, relative to continuously experiencing this fucking nightmare? Of course, if my goal is to end this nightmare, then I think I would have the best chance at doing so if I were to CTB, but unfortunately I'm not able to do so, so I just have to settle for trying to cope with this horrific existence.
I don't have access to therapy, so I can't get any help there, and god knows they would just say some shit like "down a whole bottle of SSRIs each morning and you'll be fine" instead of trying to treat the problem. I don't think SSRIs are inherently evil, I don't think any medication is, they work for a lot of people and that's great, I'm not trying to demonize medication. It's just that for every story I've heard of a medication working for someone, there's another story right next to it about how it genuinely destroyed their life, leaving them permanently damaged from it. I'm not going to take that risk, I know I won't be lucky enough for medication to work, and cycling through a bunch of them in hopes one of them would work only increases the odds of me being permanently fucked up from it. Nobody seems to understand this though, it's all about "oh you're not weak for taking meds, you don't need to tough it out, just keep trying them until it works" as if that's my fucking problem, and not the genuine risk for permanently damaging myself. I'm genuinely so tired of people refusing to understand what my issue is, and just making up some shit about how I think or feel instead of just listening to what I'm actually saying. What's the point of words if nobody understands what they mean?
Even if I were to find some medication that doesn't have any side effects, and it effectively got rid of my OCD, I would still want to CTB, because OCD isn't the only issue in my life, it's just the one bothering me most right now. I'm not going to risk permanently ruining my life in hopes of fixing a single problem, and if I have to kill my ability to feel anything at all, what's the point? It sometimes feels like the only goal with medication is to get someone into a condition where they can work a shitty job until their body breaks down and they rot away and die. I'm not putting up with that shit, I'm not ruining my life even more to achieve literally fucking nothing.
It would be so nice if I could solve my OCD though, even if solving it wouldn't change my desire to CTB, at least I would have more time to do things that matter to me, instead of the constant cleaning and checking and rituals and other stupid shit I'm just so sick and tired of dealing with. I sometimes wonder how bad it would be if I just tried brute forcing my way through it, if I just entered a situation where I feel compelled to clean myself 100 fucking times, and then just didn't. I keep being told not to do it because it would go poorly, but would it really be that bad, relative to continuously experiencing this fucking nightmare? Of course, if my goal is to end this nightmare, then I think I would have the best chance at doing so if I were to CTB, but unfortunately I'm not able to do so, so I just have to settle for trying to cope with this horrific existence.
