certified_idiot
Future Lost Media
- Dec 5, 2023
- 142
It's too late, and I should go to sleep, but I'm going to write this anyway. I'll probably feel better in the morning, so you don't have to worry about me.
Most of my obsessions are completely illogical, and this one might be to, but that doesn't mean I can get out of it. This one doesn't even have a compulsion I can do to get rid of it, how fun. Honestly the only reason I'm even thinking about this again is because someone on the internet said something mean to me over something inconsequential. Something about how I was being transphobic for making a joke about the omegaverse? I'm trans, though, and their whole argument made no sense. But, I started thinking about how the less suicide-accepting parts of the internet would react if they knew about the stuff I said on here. Maybe they'd have an actual reason to hate me.
I used to be a much more active member. I joined when I was freshly 18, but I'd been planning on killing myself for years before that. I rarely ever talked to anyone, especially online, because my parents were control freaks. Ironically, SaSu did kind of end up saving my life, because before I found the suicide resource compilation, I was going to drink drain cleaner. Instead, I tried something much less risky, and only ended up with permanent mental repercussions instead of physical ones. I don't regret joining. I wonder if maybe I should. I've done enough introspecting to justify everything I've said on here, but I want to know if I'm deluding myself or not. I know you guys are hardly an unbiased 3rd party, but I don't know anywhere else I can talk about this.
When I joined, I wanted to know everything I could about suicide. Rather than just researching the suicide methods I was considering, I tried to learn as much as I could. I found it fascinating, and the only thing I ever got vaguely excited about for the months leading up to my hospitalization. I knew enough about neck anatomy to impress the nurses as the psych ward I went to. I tried to be helpful and answer people's questions. I considered that maybe it was a bad idea to give people instructions on how to kill themselves, but I reasoned my way out of it. It was all stuff anyone could find if they spend enough time digging on here, and me giving advice means that someone is less likely to do something stupid and end up with a permanent injury. There are at least a few people out there that probably dead because of me. I felt really proud of it at the time, like I was saving people from a lifetime of torment, or at least a few hours of agony in the ER. I'm not really proud of it anymore, but I can't bring myself to regret it.
I know that at least one person is dead because of me. My usual justification of "it's all on here anyway" doesn't work this time, because this was off-site. I knew someone online, he went by Nathan (or something like that at least, my memory of that time is bad). Nathan made many posts about how he wanted to die, but also about how he was already dying due to severe anorexia. He couldn't get treatment, or at least he absolutely refused to. He wanted a quick end, and I took pity on him. I pointed him to SaSu, and told him exactly where all the helpful resources were. He thanked me, and said that my instructions were very helpful. He posted his goodbye note around a week later. It didn't say much, just that he was leaving, but heavily implied that he was leaving the Earth. His account was deleted a little bit later because of TOS violations. I know that I have no way of knowing if he actually died, but it seems likely. My account was later also deleted for TOS violations, so now the only record of our interaction is this post. It felt wrong to let it be lost forever.
That was around a year ago now. I am now Nathan's age when he died. I still don't know whether I regret it, or if I just feel like I should. Maybe it was mercy. Maybe he would've died anyway. Maybe I'm making this into a bigger deal than is necessary. What I can't stop thinking about is what would happen if my online friends/acquaintances found out about this. I know a lot of them are suicidal, but a lot of them also have very strong moral beliefs. I think most of them would forgive me if it was just a few months back in 2023 and 2024, and I regretted it. But, I still log in occasionally and give people advice. I don't really regret it. I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't encourage people to kill themselves, I only answer the questions of those who have already decided. Perhaps I'm in denial, and I am actually a bad person. Wondering about that has been proven to be unproductive. I really am mostly concerned with how my friends would react. It's probably a good thing then, that they aren't really my friends, they're more like close acquaintances, but they're the closest thing I have to friends. I'd be upset if I had to leave them.
So, I'm telling the only people who can't judge me. I need to go to bed.
Most of my obsessions are completely illogical, and this one might be to, but that doesn't mean I can get out of it. This one doesn't even have a compulsion I can do to get rid of it, how fun. Honestly the only reason I'm even thinking about this again is because someone on the internet said something mean to me over something inconsequential. Something about how I was being transphobic for making a joke about the omegaverse? I'm trans, though, and their whole argument made no sense. But, I started thinking about how the less suicide-accepting parts of the internet would react if they knew about the stuff I said on here. Maybe they'd have an actual reason to hate me.
I used to be a much more active member. I joined when I was freshly 18, but I'd been planning on killing myself for years before that. I rarely ever talked to anyone, especially online, because my parents were control freaks. Ironically, SaSu did kind of end up saving my life, because before I found the suicide resource compilation, I was going to drink drain cleaner. Instead, I tried something much less risky, and only ended up with permanent mental repercussions instead of physical ones. I don't regret joining. I wonder if maybe I should. I've done enough introspecting to justify everything I've said on here, but I want to know if I'm deluding myself or not. I know you guys are hardly an unbiased 3rd party, but I don't know anywhere else I can talk about this.
When I joined, I wanted to know everything I could about suicide. Rather than just researching the suicide methods I was considering, I tried to learn as much as I could. I found it fascinating, and the only thing I ever got vaguely excited about for the months leading up to my hospitalization. I knew enough about neck anatomy to impress the nurses as the psych ward I went to. I tried to be helpful and answer people's questions. I considered that maybe it was a bad idea to give people instructions on how to kill themselves, but I reasoned my way out of it. It was all stuff anyone could find if they spend enough time digging on here, and me giving advice means that someone is less likely to do something stupid and end up with a permanent injury. There are at least a few people out there that probably dead because of me. I felt really proud of it at the time, like I was saving people from a lifetime of torment, or at least a few hours of agony in the ER. I'm not really proud of it anymore, but I can't bring myself to regret it.
I know that at least one person is dead because of me. My usual justification of "it's all on here anyway" doesn't work this time, because this was off-site. I knew someone online, he went by Nathan (or something like that at least, my memory of that time is bad). Nathan made many posts about how he wanted to die, but also about how he was already dying due to severe anorexia. He couldn't get treatment, or at least he absolutely refused to. He wanted a quick end, and I took pity on him. I pointed him to SaSu, and told him exactly where all the helpful resources were. He thanked me, and said that my instructions were very helpful. He posted his goodbye note around a week later. It didn't say much, just that he was leaving, but heavily implied that he was leaving the Earth. His account was deleted a little bit later because of TOS violations. I know that I have no way of knowing if he actually died, but it seems likely. My account was later also deleted for TOS violations, so now the only record of our interaction is this post. It felt wrong to let it be lost forever.
That was around a year ago now. I am now Nathan's age when he died. I still don't know whether I regret it, or if I just feel like I should. Maybe it was mercy. Maybe he would've died anyway. Maybe I'm making this into a bigger deal than is necessary. What I can't stop thinking about is what would happen if my online friends/acquaintances found out about this. I know a lot of them are suicidal, but a lot of them also have very strong moral beliefs. I think most of them would forgive me if it was just a few months back in 2023 and 2024, and I regretted it. But, I still log in occasionally and give people advice. I don't really regret it. I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't encourage people to kill themselves, I only answer the questions of those who have already decided. Perhaps I'm in denial, and I am actually a bad person. Wondering about that has been proven to be unproductive. I really am mostly concerned with how my friends would react. It's probably a good thing then, that they aren't really my friends, they're more like close acquaintances, but they're the closest thing I have to friends. I'd be upset if I had to leave them.
So, I'm telling the only people who can't judge me. I need to go to bed.
