If I don't have the courage to die
Does it mean I'm not at rock bottom yet?
Do people get the courage when they're at rock bottom?
I know if I had a firearm it wouldn't be so hard for me to do it
My SN is my only method
And it scares me
But I know death is what I want
I'll miss my best friend and mum
Firstly, you don't have to hit "rock bottom" to go through with ctb. Quite the contrary.
The push to ctb comes from a place of peace, clarity, acceptance, and impulse. You have to be at peace with your decision. You have to be clear that this is exactly what you want. You have to accept your life for what it was. Good, bad, or meh. You have to be okay with what it was. You have to accept that this is it in this realm (because who TF actually knows what's on the other side.) Accept that, no matter what is behind the door you are about to walk through, there's no going back through it. You will be on "the other side." You have to have a "burn the ships" mentality when doing this. There's no going back. You have to be okay with what's coming, because whether you ctb or let life kill you, what's on the other side of this is coming anyway.
*Side Note: STOP attaching the penalties and fears of human-made dogmas to death. Not one human that has ever existed has been back to tell anyone what is on the other side.
And you finally have to harness matter over mind. There is a "just fucking do it" element to ctb. If you're serious, then you have to push yourself to see it through. Something that may help is studying celebrities that did it. What was their final push. NONE of them (I'm pretty sure) were on this site asking questions about SN, the SI, or any of the other bullshit rabbit holes that we can go down on here (myself included.) They went about the business of bringing their lives to a close. They accepted the fact that there's no turning around on this. They knew that, no matter their methods, there would be some type of pain involved. And they were alright with that. This whole life wants suffering, and pain is the payout it requests to leave it.
Bottom line: No, you do not have to hit rock bottom. You but need to arrive at a place of peace, clarity, acceptance, and impulse. If you're serious, you'll be able to reach this place and see it through.
Good luck and love to you, no matter your decision.
