Hi SaSu! This may be a bit long, but I just wanted to get my feelings out. Basically, I have a really bad overthinking issue. I mean, REALLY bad. I spent every day thinking about what I should talk about for my first thread, whether or not I would get judged, or if I should just lurk around the community as I always have (even before I made an account). I always knew that this was one of, if not the most welcoming and understanding communities I've ever seen, but I have a deathly fear of being judged and it's been a prevalent problem for the longest time.
One of the reasons I hesitated making a thread was that I would be looked at as immature. Looking back at my life, there should not be a single reason why I feel like this. Put bluntly, my situation is significantly better than most. I have friends, a family, a nice home, the privilege to go to school— I should be happy. But there's just this unexplained feeling of sadness. To be honest, maybe it's from impulse. Most of my negative thoughts come from bad situations, ranging from things like failing exams to not meeting expectations. These situations are barely anything compared to the hardships other people on this site go through, and I feel ashamed that I even have the audacity to make an account on here and think that I deserve to vent out these feelings of impulse.
Ever since I found out about suicide at a young age, I've always been fascinated with it. Initially, I was under the influence that it was a bad thing— that it was something someone would do when they were in a bad situation. Well, maybe I wasn't entirely wrong… However, over time, it grew on me as an act of courage. The act of stepping off a tall edge, the act of letting a rope strangle oneself, the act of pulling the trigger of a gun with its muzzle on the roof of one's mouth, it took incomprehensible courage and strength— something that I would never achieve or deserve.
Not a single day goes by where the thought of it doesn't cross my mind. I've imagined countless scenarios about my death by now, and the discovery of more methods like SN or Night Night have only served to feed my fantasies. Imagining slowly losing consciousness as I listen to my favourite songs after swallowing a few pills and drinks / having two beanbags compress my carotid arteries has always brought me comfort in literally any situation. It's as if I'm finally escaping this cycle of disappointing the people around me, or maybe it was the last time I would ever have to disappoint anyone.
I used to have so much potential. I was smart without even trying. I was hardworking. I was creative. I was put in a straight path to success and yet I decided to instead go in the opposite direction. Now, I just go to school, go home, doomscroll, eat, and sleep. The exact same cycle every single day. Ever since I first got a phone, my life has only started to go downhill. I have the most important series of exams of my life in less than 2 months, and here I am typing out this pointless passage instead of studying like what everyone else is doing.
I'll just conclude this here, although I don't really feel like I've gotten any of my feelings out even though that was the whole point of this, lol. This is just a mess of words that took more than an hour for me to type out. If you are somehow still reading this, thank you. Genuinely. I don't think I'll ever find a community or group like this ever again, so I'll try my best to appreciate it to the max before I inevitably become a corporate drone or somehow get the courage to ctb.
One of the reasons I hesitated making a thread was that I would be looked at as immature. Looking back at my life, there should not be a single reason why I feel like this. Put bluntly, my situation is significantly better than most. I have friends, a family, a nice home, the privilege to go to school— I should be happy. But there's just this unexplained feeling of sadness. To be honest, maybe it's from impulse. Most of my negative thoughts come from bad situations, ranging from things like failing exams to not meeting expectations. These situations are barely anything compared to the hardships other people on this site go through, and I feel ashamed that I even have the audacity to make an account on here and think that I deserve to vent out these feelings of impulse.
Ever since I found out about suicide at a young age, I've always been fascinated with it. Initially, I was under the influence that it was a bad thing— that it was something someone would do when they were in a bad situation. Well, maybe I wasn't entirely wrong… However, over time, it grew on me as an act of courage. The act of stepping off a tall edge, the act of letting a rope strangle oneself, the act of pulling the trigger of a gun with its muzzle on the roof of one's mouth, it took incomprehensible courage and strength— something that I would never achieve or deserve.
Not a single day goes by where the thought of it doesn't cross my mind. I've imagined countless scenarios about my death by now, and the discovery of more methods like SN or Night Night have only served to feed my fantasies. Imagining slowly losing consciousness as I listen to my favourite songs after swallowing a few pills and drinks / having two beanbags compress my carotid arteries has always brought me comfort in literally any situation. It's as if I'm finally escaping this cycle of disappointing the people around me, or maybe it was the last time I would ever have to disappoint anyone.
I used to have so much potential. I was smart without even trying. I was hardworking. I was creative. I was put in a straight path to success and yet I decided to instead go in the opposite direction. Now, I just go to school, go home, doomscroll, eat, and sleep. The exact same cycle every single day. Ever since I first got a phone, my life has only started to go downhill. I have the most important series of exams of my life in less than 2 months, and here I am typing out this pointless passage instead of studying like what everyone else is doing.
I'll just conclude this here, although I don't really feel like I've gotten any of my feelings out even though that was the whole point of this, lol. This is just a mess of words that took more than an hour for me to type out. If you are somehow still reading this, thank you. Genuinely. I don't think I'll ever find a community or group like this ever again, so I'll try my best to appreciate it to the max before I inevitably become a corporate drone or somehow get the courage to ctb.
)
And yes, I feel much more comfortable talking about my feelings on here than literally anywhere else, and I hope I get to do so for as long as I can.
