i've been in a horrid cycle lately. shit hits the fan, i drain everyone around me (although me bf takes the brunt of that), i fuckin tear meself to shreds until snappin back to reality in some way or another, i work on meself n me bad habits, and then shit hits the fan and i scrap everything and go back to my horrid habits, sometimes backtracking on progress i've made since i was a child.
for example, today, i ended up gettin mad at me headphones cutting out, and did what seven-year-old me would have done: threw them off me head. instant regret, quickly picked em back up to discover that the left ear had been fucked up, in that certain frequencies in it just won't really play. for example, when watching a video where someone talks a lot (commentary channels my beloved), their voice is really hard to hear in that ear, but certain aspects of songs will play okay in it. i don't know what in specific cuts out, i think it's certain mid-tones and most treble? either way, not the point.
what IS the point is that i fucked up and did something i never would've done in the last few years, gave into a habit that i'd mostly squashed since it started when i was a kid with anger issues so bad i threw me head against things and kicked people when i didn't get my way. i've noticed this a lot more lately, where i do quite well for around a week or two, and then something happens and i throw it all away and have to pick myself back up again. it's been a slow spiral downward, where i think i'm doing okay, i fail miserably, think i'm doing okay (albeit slightly worse than the last time i felt that), fail miserably, and so on. been debating just giving up altogether, since the last time i gave up on myself, it DIDN'T result in me reverting back to behaviors i had when i was a kid that couldn't deal with their emotions, and just lashed out.
apologies if this is a bit hard to understand, i ain't the best at gettin me thoughts out comprehensibly.
for example, today, i ended up gettin mad at me headphones cutting out, and did what seven-year-old me would have done: threw them off me head. instant regret, quickly picked em back up to discover that the left ear had been fucked up, in that certain frequencies in it just won't really play. for example, when watching a video where someone talks a lot (commentary channels my beloved), their voice is really hard to hear in that ear, but certain aspects of songs will play okay in it. i don't know what in specific cuts out, i think it's certain mid-tones and most treble? either way, not the point.
what IS the point is that i fucked up and did something i never would've done in the last few years, gave into a habit that i'd mostly squashed since it started when i was a kid with anger issues so bad i threw me head against things and kicked people when i didn't get my way. i've noticed this a lot more lately, where i do quite well for around a week or two, and then something happens and i throw it all away and have to pick myself back up again. it's been a slow spiral downward, where i think i'm doing okay, i fail miserably, think i'm doing okay (albeit slightly worse than the last time i felt that), fail miserably, and so on. been debating just giving up altogether, since the last time i gave up on myself, it DIDN'T result in me reverting back to behaviors i had when i was a kid that couldn't deal with their emotions, and just lashed out.
apologies if this is a bit hard to understand, i ain't the best at gettin me thoughts out comprehensibly.
