How often do you think of ctb?

[Midnight]

A few hours per day at least. Work,chores,family,sleep and a myriad of other issues keep my mind busy the rest of the time.

 

[Roph]

It's always on my mind.

 

[Cold]

I don't think I can make it one hour without thinking about it. It's like suicide is the main thought in my brain and every other thought emanates from that thought. It's weird how casually I'm thinking about suicide these days.

 

[Tara2018]

Everyday almost in every hour.

 

[Jane Doe]

Everyday almost in every hour.

Same

 

[ForestLove]

Everyday until the day I decide to CTB.

 

[Deafsn0w]

i'm obsessed with death i cant get it off in my brain.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Every given hour, there's a 80% likelihood of me having thought about suicide.

 

[Empty RN]

Everyday, it's dissipated some since I switched to working overnight shifts and I think my mind and body are adjusting. It used to be almost every waking second I thought of it. There was a parking garage I'd researched and could't get it out of my head that would be the way. I thought of it constantly. I was afraid of chance of failure and repercussions afterwards. A sibling of mine CTB this way some time ago, but it was violent and a disturbing way to go, and he was definitely in pain. Then I found out about N from another forum and obtained it. I'm a nurse and work with very sick patients who are living through vents and life support. I couldn't fathom an attempt that goes south and leaves you dependent on machines. Life is hard enough already with protrudent thoughts and wanting to escape to end up in a state where you literally can't and your life is excruciatingly dependent on others for everything. At least I'm capable of moving and making decisions on my own right now. I wan to ensure my next attempt is my last.

 

[Empty RN]

Everyday from 2003 until last week. 15 Years of pure mental torture. Towards the end I would fantasise about me dying for hours every day and picturing my funeral and how my family would react to it.

15 years is a very long time. I hope peace finds a way through to you somehow soon. These thoughts are pure torture feeling stuck and empty wanting to go.

 

[Lra888]

Almost constantly - only thought that gives temporary minor relief from hell.

 

[Empty RN]

Words just cannot describe how my brain goes into a state of limbo so to speak. Just as what's under my name: there's a difference between existing and living. Like I'm just walking through life foggy aimlessly not knowing anything about being human and feel so overwhelmed by it all.

It's hard to articulate the thoughts that are in my head but it feels like this. I look at my body and wonder what I am and what's the point? It feels like almost we're in this strange realm of a game to speak. I see people who care so deeply and authentically about life but why? I don't see the point anymore. We eat. We purchase things we don't really need. We repeat similar versions of the same day over and over again. Hurt people repeat patterns and abuse perpetuates. It's like a large disconnect from life and I used to be one who felt so enthralled and pulled into the web of goals and dreams. Now it all seems pointless. I see people often in way worse predicaments than myself with such an urgency to do whatever it takes to keep living but I don't understand why anymore. Walking through a fog is a good way to describe it like mentioned above. Theres more I feel but I can't put it into words right now

 

[Jane Doe]

It's hard to articulate the thoughts that are in my head but it feels like this. I look at my body and wonder what I am and what's the point? It feels like almost we're in this strange realm of a game to speak. I see people who care so deeply and authentically about life but why? I don't see the point anymore. We eat. We purchase things we don't really need. We repeat similar versions of the same day over and over again. Hurt people repeat patterns and abuse perpetuates. It's like a large disconnect from life and I used to be one who felt so enthralled and pulled into the web of goals and dreams. Now it all seems pointless. I see people often in way worse predicaments than myself with such an urgency to do whatever it takes to keep living but I don't understand why anymore. Walking through a fog is a good way to describe it like mentioned above. Theres more I feel but I can't put it into words right now

100% THIS!!!!!

 

[Ashpac]

15 years is a very long time. I hope peace finds a way through to you somehow soon. These thoughts are pure torture feeling stuck and empty wanting to go.

Thanks I appreciate that.

I now have hope in my life so Im giving it a try. I hope my plans pay off and I will have that peace you talk about.

Im not sure what your situation is but I hope you get what you want out of life too.

 

[Julia Ofelia]

Every day. These thoughts may quieten down when I do something pleasant, but then they return with more force. All in all I'm unable to stop them. Suicide is my destiny.

 

[wanttodie]

All day everyday.

 

[faex42]

Off and on throughout the day. I think about different ways to accomplish it successfully. I haven't been able to come up a feasible plan. I am still committed to living to assist my seriously ailing mother who has no one else to help her. If someone else were to take over my responsibilities, I would consider a "vacation" in which it would appear as an accident. I really don't want her to feel worse than she already does although I am getting increasingly depressed each day and today feel that being the only one helping is unfair.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

Out of the last 35 years, I would estimate probably 70% of that time (at least), I have been consumed by thoughts ctb. Sure, I go through periods of relative happiness, life seems good and I am able to keep my demons at bay. Inevitably though, the black dog rears it's ugly head and turns my life upside down.

I have know for over 20 years now, that when I go, it won't be because of illness or an accident. It will be at my hands, I will have complete control of when, where and how. I so look forward to that day.

 

[starcrossedfate]

Every waking second.

 

[Maravillosa]

At least once a day. I don't constantly think of ctb, but I think of ctb much more than non-suicidal people. I like to think of hanging myself, dying and being laid to rest: it can be very soothing to think of those things.

 

[Paulsmith]

Most days

 

[your pathologist]

Since i was about 13 i used to casually think/talk about suicide like be talking to a close friend and mime slittling my wrists or joke that existence was pain or perhaps ask if my buddy would like to "go have a cancer stick" with me....
I was like that for 10 years.
But i always had some sort of rope to walk on. Some sort of direction to go in...
As of right now, i have very little progression in my life. It was the only thing that distracted me, i guess, made the time pass easier...
Now each day I wake up and I cant even see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I spend all my time here really... but when I set my phone down im watching some mindless show because thinking about my lack of a positive future and what ive done to my past is enough to make me physically nauseous

 

[fiteorflite2]

constantly - i think it interrupts every non-ctb thought i have very quickly - it's gotten ridiculous

 

[Roph]

Essentially non-stop.

 

[Help_Me]

Every single day.

 

[invisiblycrippled]

24/7. Can't wait to end my misery. It's my only hope left and gives me the motivation to get my affairs in order.