How often do you find yourself thinking about CTB'ing

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

Almost all time

 

[Elle]

Almost all time

Sending my love to you <3

 

[Meteora]

Everyday a couple of times since approximately four years

 

[アホペンギン]

I think about ctbing about 70-80% of the time i'm awake.

 

[Walilamdzii]

Lots

 

[TDF]

Right now? About 60% of my time everyday.

 

[mb0099]

Almost all day, every day. Until recently, I wasn't alone (will be for a few weeks) to be able to pull it off but fear of failure still keeps me around. I have a few weeks then I'll lose my opportunity.

 

[Elliana Berriana]

Every day, most of the day. It's especially prominent when shit happens, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Definitely most of the day.
The only comfort there is that hopefully sooner than later I will find myself absolutely ready to be gone (God knows why my stupid brain thinks it's not ready yet!!!). It keeps me somewhat grounded…..

 

[way_of_meatgrinder]

Every couple weeks or so. Sometimes it is adrenaline induced urge, but I do not think it is serious intention. Anyway Im very conscious of it and volatility of life in general.

Obviously every goddamn day for the past decade now.

Wow it is a long time, but how exactly do you think about it, sorry if question is too personal. I mean like is it escape or just a huge backpack of bricks flattening you. Mine are kind of psychotic, I guess, vivid spark of underlying truths, I guess.

 

[faceplaant]

At least twice a day.

 

[vitbar]

It depends how bad things are. When they are okay I might go a day or so between thought. When things are really bad it's near constant. I get everything in between too.

 

[enough of this]

Definitely most of the day.
The only comfort there is that hopefully sooner than later I will find myself absolutely ready to be gone (God knows why my stupid brain thinks it's not ready yet!!!). It keeps me somewhat grounded…..

I think about it every day, and have for quite some time.

 

[Dar3B3ar]

everyday, it doesn't even really register as a thought alone, more like an impulse if that makes sense

 

[lonelyflyinginsect]

I mean almost everday. What matters more is how much time do I waste on thinking/day-dreaming about it. Sometimes, it's just 10 minutes and sometimes it is 2-3 hours.

 

[anhed0nia]

Constantly. I worry that this ingrained or intrusive thought pattern is a separate issue that actually makes the suicidal feelings themselves worse. Even when I'm in a better mood and having a good day, it's just a constant background thought. In the past several years I started saying it out loud as a compulsion. I have to be very careful not to say it in front of anybody else, then I'll have to let someone in on a problem they cannot help me with.

 

[atdeathsdoor]

Every minute every hour every day....am sure God get a buzz of seeing people unhappy and punishing them to live!!

 

[istheretrulyalife?]

Basically every day

 

[enough of this]

Constantly. I worry that this ingrained or intrusive thought pattern is a separate issue that actually makes the suicidal feelings themselves worse. Even when I'm in a better mood and having a good day, it's just a constant background thought. In the past several years I started saying it out loud as a compulsion. I have to be very careful not to say it in front of anybody else, then I'll have to let someone in on a problem they cannot help me with.

I, also, have learned to be prudent with whom I mention anything about CTB. It just gets me in trouble with people and drives them away.

 

[bedtimebabe]

Most of the day… it's just always there, sort of comforting and depressing at the same time

 

[bedhead_baby]

All of the time. It's like a song stuck in your head.

 

[Creeping Death]

Pretty much all day, every day. I've had chronic pain and depression for over 20 years, but it spiked exactly a year ago and is now unrelenting. I don't have 1 second of relief. I really want to live; I just can't live in constant pain.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I only see my slow fall off the side of a bridge in every scene of my life.

 

[Miscreated]

For a big part of my day. When I wake up, most times the first thing I think is that I wish I didn't need to restart the same day all over again. This causes me to start thinking about ctb first thing in the morning. I'm able to distract myself by occupying myself, but whenever I have free time, my mind often wanders to ctb again and I can daydream about it for hours. If I'm ever passing by a bridge, see a razor, see a tall building, etc, I usually think about ctb'ing with those. Whenever I'm in a difficult situation I think something along the lines of "If I ctb'd before, I wouldn't have to deal with this now, I'd be at peace." I also often fall asleep thinking about ctb, and my dreams are sometimes about ctb. I wish I'd left a long time ago but I have many ctb-related problems to deal with before that (guilt of leaving people behind, severe SI, etc). Hopefully I'll be able to overcome them soon

 

[enough of this]

Pretty much all day, every day. I've had chronic pain and depression for over 20 years, but it spiked exactly a year ago and is now unrelenting. I don't have 1 second of relief. I really want to live; I just can't live in constant pain.

I know exactly what it's like to be in constant pain for years. I'm so sorry you're going through that. Whatever choice you make, I hope it gives you relief.

 

[figure8]

The thought is always there, but I know better than to act impulsively on it. It's this coping mechanism I developed. Whenever something goes mildly wrong, I open my notes app and type the thought in. It's not ideal, because philosophically I am against committing suicide in the spur of the moment (when it comes to myself; I couldn't care less how other people go about it).

 

[hdahsa]

Oh, all the time. Such thoughts occupy my brain 100% of the time. I have the method of choice ready - it is just a matter of time which I need to wrap up a few loose ends because I do not wish to ctb leaving anything for my family to clean up.

But yes ctb is a constant train of thought running in my head even if I am otherwise occupied.

 

[Ashu]

The imagery of my suicide is in the background of my thoughts almost constantly - me blowing my brains out or hanging myself or jumping - but this is different from intention, in fact it's a kind of comfort.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

All day every day. The method I've set my heart on is SN, but I can't find any sources. My back up is exit bag and inert gas. I've tried partial hanging a few times but my SI kicks in and I stop. Tried the night night method unsuccessfully as well. Just couldn't find the sweet spot and suffered through the head pressure. Thought about jumping into a quarry, long drop, and getting myself shot in a bad neighborhood. I'm just a failure and I can't even kill myself properly.

 

[EternalOblivion]

A few times a day since I was about twelve.