For a big part of my day. When I wake up, most times the first thing I think is that I wish I didn't need to restart the same day all over again. This causes me to start thinking about ctb first thing in the morning. I'm able to distract myself by occupying myself, but whenever I have free time, my mind often wanders to ctb again and I can daydream about it for hours. If I'm ever passing by a bridge, see a razor, see a tall building, etc, I usually think about ctb'ing with those. Whenever I'm in a difficult situation I think something along the lines of "If I ctb'd before, I wouldn't have to deal with this now, I'd be at peace." I also often fall asleep thinking about ctb, and my dreams are sometimes about ctb. I wish I'd left a long time ago but I have many ctb-related problems to deal with before that (guilt of leaving people behind, severe SI, etc). Hopefully I'll be able to overcome them soon