Sorry that you are going through this Dwight, I know how it feels. It's a surreal feeling, when you want to die, but you can't seem to find the courage.
I been trying to have everything ready to be able to ctb at will, but I have some loose ends, it's taking longer than expected.
Otherwise I would of already probably killed myself, I got really close twice, on the second attempt, after a lot of thought I realized there were some lose ends I needed to take care of.
It sucks when you thinking of ctb but your held back.