How do you when it’s the right time to go?

[tryingtoescape]

I feel horrible. I know some people say "if you're asking, it's not the right time." But that answer doesn't comfort me at all. I just want to know that I'll die, and then I'll be calm. I'm feeling trapped all the time not knowing when it'll end. I know I want to do it, but when it comes down to the exact day, I have to spend a lot of money for my method. It's stressing me out to think about this. I just want this all to stop. I'm obsessed with the right moment and it feeling natural. I know I want to do it though. But I have to spend the money. So I want it to feel right and natural. It's so hard to explain. I have OCD and this is one of my obsessions. My suicide being at the right moment. I'm scared no one else understands. Does anyone know what I mean?

 

[elfgyoza]

I know it's not what you wanna hear, but I really think you'll know when it's your time. Everyone is different.
For me, when I expected my attempt to work, I felt super calm. I'd never been that relaxed, I hope I can have that feeling again sometime

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I not knowing when it'll end. I know I want to do it, but when it comes down to the exact day, I have to spend a lot of money for my method. It's stressing me out to think about this. I just want this all to stop. I'm obsessed with the right moment and it feeling natural. I know I want to do it though. But I have to spend the money. So I want it to feel right and natural. It's so hard to explain. I have OCD and this is one of my obsessions. My suicide being at the right moment. I'm scared no one else understands. Does anyone know what I mean?

I feel a huge sense on urgency right now, but I personally don't think I'm in the right state of might to make any kind of judgement. I have a lot of anxiety because I'v been trying to mitigate the possible trauma to those left behind and that includes the self-financing of my exit.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I know it's not what you wanna hear, but I really think you'll know when it's your time. Everyone is different.
For me, when I expected my attempt to work, I felt super calm. I'd never been that relaxed, I hope I can have that feeling again sometime

Did you feel like that all the time? Ready and calm? Or just when it was the right time for your attempt.

 

[Jblack]

I think for myself I will know it is time when a total calm settles over me. I believe each of us will know the feeling when it occurs. It allow you to over come SI. You feel no concerning about what you might be leaving behind. I have come close on more then one occasion. It was as if I were walking through a fog and it was super silent. I am sorry I cannot give you a perfect description but you will know the feeling when it happens.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I think I will always have doubt. It just happens to be too severe now.

There will always be a piece of me wondering if I cut my loses too soon I suspect.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I think for myself I will know it is time when a total calm settles over me. I believe each of us will know the feeling when it occurs. It allow you to over come SI. You feel no concerning about what you might be leaving behind. I have come close on more then one occasion. It was as if I were walking through a fog and it was super silent. I am sorry I cannot give you a perfect description but you will know the feeling when it happens.

I have had that feeling. It's this peacefulness washing over you. Knowing it'll all be over. Do you feel it often?

 

[profoundexperience]

I'm feeling trapped all the time not knowing when it'll end. ... I'm obsessed with the right moment and it feeling natural. ... one of my obsessions. My suicide being at the right moment.

Me too. I think all of this is understandable and completely normal: ctb is unique because it is (from a certain, but perhaps overblown perspective) a "big deal"... and for sure it is an activity that one only does once (successfully).

Therefore, imho, I have to be pragmatic and realistic with myself:

1. I'm intentionally defining when I do it (whenever that is) to be "the perfect time". When it happens is exactly when it was meant to happen (truly). Why? Because that's when it happened. In one way this seems so obvious it's dumb. But, in another way it's the truth.
2. As ctb isn't an activity that I can do multiple times, "compare results", and "improve"... I need to just do the best I can with what I have and can do.
3. I'm unsure of the "calm/placid feeling" others describe. If it happens... good! But, I have no expectations of any "profound/peaceful feelings" happening for me. It's enough to deal with the stress of the ctb itself... I don't want to put "I should feel a certain, specific way" on top of that.
4. I also need to be realistic: There is always a chance my ctb will fail. For the things I can control, all that I can do is try hard to do my best. For the things that are out of my control all I can do is accept/respect them for what they are.

I have to spend a lot of money for my method. It's stressing me out to think about this. ... I know I want to do it though. But I have to spend the money.

You don't have to spend any money to do some practicing/dress rehearsals. My method (inert gas) was also expensive & I figured-out and changed several things (both before I bought anything... AND AFTER) due to things I learned by practicing.

Please do that, repeatedly: Pretend you're really doing it -- go through it as if it's really happening & that way you can learn how to work-through the material/mechanical, emotional, and cognitive issues that arise.

There's the old adage, "Practice makes perfect." What if that's true?

 

[elfgyoza]

Did you feel like that all the time? Ready and calm? Or just when it was the right time for your attempt.

No I was very anxious in the weeks leading up to it, but I felt peace whenever I thought about doing it and on the day itself.
I also felt at ease one day in August, I wish I'd have used that chance to do it. It wasn't quite the same though, I felt completely empty, emotionless, that time

Me too. I think all of this is understandable and completely normal: ctb is unique because it is (from a certain, but perhaps overblown perspective) a "big deal"... and for sure it is an activity that one only does once (successfully).

1. I'm unsure of the "calm/placid feeling" others describe. If it happens... good! But, I have no expectations of any "profound/peaceful feelings" happening for me. It's enough to deal with the stress of the ctb itself... I don't want to put "I should feel a certain, specific way" on top of that.

I agree with you - don't worry if you don't have the 'calm' feeling I've described, everyone is different. I think you should be at peace with your decision, but it's still a big deal, it's normal to be anxious.

 

[profoundexperience]

don't worry if you don't have the 'calm' feeling I've described, everyone is different. I think you should be at peace with your decision, but it's still a big deal, it's normal to be anxious.

Thanks for that, @elfgyoza!

Others have also described a "calm/settled/certainty" feeling that has arisen for them... And, of course that's super-great! (if it comes) I'm envious of that and of course hoping for that kind of clarity...

Unfortunately, we can't get a "final report" from anyone who actually, successfully ctbs. (So, who's to say what comes-up in their final moments... I suspect it's different for everyone.)

My feelings are fickle and ~uncontrollable... I just can't 100% rely on them (or even completely trust in them to accurately guide me). That, itself, is a huge part of what makes this life suck so much.

There's also the strategy of leaving in a "fit of determination" (e.g., mania). Like the old Nike slogan, "Just do it." This can come from pure emotion/adrenaline and/or (I think) come from pure reason: Seeing/recognizing/acknowledging how bad life/existence is... and ending it due to it's sheer unacceptability.

Life is futile (your tagline)

Reminds me of... quote from "The Sunset Limited" (film, 2011) starring Tommy Lee Jones & Samuel L. Jackson

WHITE: Blackness, aloneness, silence, peace... and all of it only a heartbeat away.

I don't regard my state of mind... as some pessimistic view of the world, I regard it as the world itself.

Evolution cannot avoid bringing intelligent life ultimately to an awareness of one thing... and one thing above all else. And that one thing is futility.

BLACK: If I'm understanding you right, you saying everybody that just ain't eat up with the dumb-ass ought to be suicidal?

WHITE: Yes.

 

[muffin222]

The thought of death imbues you with a sense of calm and peace, rather than anxiety, distress, fear, or despair. Ideally, you've considered and exhausted alternative options in your situation as well. For me, doubt= don't when it comes to ctb.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've never had a perfect moment, but for me a lot of it has to do with the method.

When I've attempted with methods that were meant to be peaceful, I had reached a point acceptance, of just not worrying anymore about irresolvable things -- what happens after, whether that has to do with a potential afterlife or no afterlife, who was going to be impacted and how, etc. I also knew the methods might fail, and I was accepting of that, too, so I wasn't traumatized when they did. The point I was at, I suppose it's mildly dissociative, or some kind of needed psychological defense -- I needed to make a decision and act, so the natural but irresolvable fears and worries got out of the way and climbed in the back seat. They eventually came back, some of them even stronger, but they're still irresolvable, and I'm at the point again where I'm close to needing to make that decision, also more than before, and there's just not enough space for both the decision and the worries.

But since I know I will suffer if go with SN (and I've had SN and all the stuff that goes with it for quite a while), and things are pretty bad, I'm researching other peaceful methods I felt like were too difficult to pursue before. Necessity is helping me to overcome feeling incapable.

If I have to, I know I can work myself into the mindset to do SN, I have the needed inner strength to tap into, but I really, really, really, really ad infinitum prefer a peaceful death if at all possible. That's as close as I get to OCD. :)

 

[tryingtoescape]

Thank you all for these great replies. I'm going to write more tomorrow when I have the time. I have a lot of feelings on this.

 

[Panna]

I would say when you finally feel as if you're done, that you have no more attachments, then you will just know. A couple of years ago, I had planned to jump off the car garage roof in the evening, no impulsivity, I had thought that my mother and my younger brother, the two people who rely on me living the most, had moved on and would be able to get by without me (from some earliar conversations that we had had, and so I was completely at peace and ready to go. However, getting a phone call early that day, and having him reaffirm just how much I meant to him just killed my drive instantly.

 

[summers]

I think of what you're asking in two ways.
1. Dying, but not committing suicide. Would you stop something from killing you. For me, this is a hard no. I live in the US - let's say someone were to rob me at gunpoint. I would actually provoke them to shoot me. I would sacrifice myself for a loved one or a stranger. I seriously asked one of my exes to kill me a couple times (gun, knife), not as a joke. Might be part of the reason we're not together anymore :)

2. Suicide. Like quite a few posters said, you'll know when it's time. Don't force it - there's always tomorrow, for better or worse. I was ready once, and going to do it spur of the moment one time for real.

 

[profoundexperience]

I think of what you're asking in two ways.
1. Dying, but not committing suicide.
2. Suicide.

You "hit the nail on the head": There are these 2 each very significant, but distinct actions -- each with their own impediments -- that are conjoined in ctb.

Anxieties and/or calmness-surety about one doesn't necessarily mean the same about the other....

In Shakespeare's famous "To be, or not to be", Hamlet's anxiety seems to be -- not about committing suicide (and all that entails) -- nor about fear of pain in suicide/dying -- but about what might happen after death. But the anxieties/hesitations he's talking about are what I think we're talking about:

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. [commit suicide]

To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.

To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life. [we keep on living in -- put up with this shit -- just out of fear of what comes after death]

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? [commit suicide with a knife]Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of? [again, we keep on living in -- put up with this shit -- because it is what we know... rather than facing the fear of the inevitable unknown]

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment [committing suicide]
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.

 

[tryingtoescape]

Me too. I think all of this is understandable and completely normal: ctb is unique because it is (from a certain, but perhaps overblown perspective) a "big deal"... and for sure it is an activity that one only does once (successfully).

Therefore, imho, I have to be pragmatic and realistic with myself:

1. I'm intentionally defining when I do it (whenever that is) to be "the perfect time". When it happens is exactly when it was meant to happen (truly). Why? Because that's when it happened. In one way this seems so obvious it's dumb. But, in another way it's the truth.
2. As ctb isn't an activity that I can do multiple times, "compare results", and "improve"... I need to just do the best I can with what I have and can do.
3. I'm unsure of the "calm/placid feeling" others describe. If it happens... good! But, I have no expectations of any "profound/peaceful feelings" happening for me. It's enough to deal with the stress of the ctb itself... I don't want to put "I should feel a certain, specific way" on top of that.
4. I also need to be realistic: There is always a chance my ctb will fail. For the things I can control, all that I can do is try hard to do my best. For the things that are out of my control all I can do is accept/respect them for what they are.

You don't have to spend any money to do some practicing/dress rehearsals. My method (inert gas) was also expensive & I figured-out and changed several things (both before I bought anything... AND AFTER) due to things I learned by practicing.

Please do that, repeatedly: Pretend you're really doing it -- go through it as if it's really happening & that way you can learn how to work-through the material/mechanical, emotional, and cognitive issues that arise.

There's the old adage, "Practice makes perfect." What if that's true?

This answer is very comforting, thank you very much. My OCD makes me overthink everything so much, including this, and it's terrible. It's really normal to be scared. I can't control that and I can't control what I think of. Now, or on that day. I have to accept what I can't control. It's okay. Whatever time I do it is "the right time" and "meant to be" because that's when I did it. I really do wish for the "calm, placid" feeling though. I've felt it many times, acted once during it, and failed. The other times, I didn't have access. It was the best feeling I've felt since becoming suicidal years ago. I seek that feeling constantly. The peaceful calm washing over me. Knowing I'll die no matter what. My life has already been so stressful. I at least want my death to feel peaceful, natural. But I can't control that and obsessing over it makes no difference in the end. We will all die no matter what, and I will kill myself sooner than later, and my constant obsession over details and what could go wrong makes no difference. It's just a product of my mental illness. Which I also can't control, so I need to just let it be. Surprisingly I've been able to talk about these fears openly with my therapist. Obviously I told her my plans weren't imminent at all and I lied and said I didn't actually plan things out, and just phrased it in a really vague way. But she reminded me I can't control what I think of before I die.

Practice does make perfect. Studies have found that one of the biggest indicators of someone successfully committing suicide is a prior suicide attempt and 'practice' beforehand. I have attempted suicide before and I've "practiced" my method before by just making the 2 hour trip to the hotel I'll be jumping from, but that's all I can do obviously since it's expensive to actually book the penthouse suite. But I'll keep doing it. I have to accept what I can't control. It gives me comfort in the middle of my daily panic attacks when I think of suicide, at least. And the inevitably of it. When I feel trapped, I go insane. I wish so badly that assisted suicide were legal, so that I didn't have to obsess over these what-ifs and fears of failure and details though.

I'd like to reply to more of your answers when I have the time, but thank you. I feel so terrible right now. And it's crazy to think it gets even worse than this. I've felt even worse, which is saying a lot. In those times, when I've felt 10/10 level of anxiety and despair, these fears dissipate. And when I make my plans, the peaceful calm washes over me.

I feel like I wouldn't have as much as anxiety if I was using a different method. My fear of losing accessibility and the finiteness of the money I saved up is the issue with this method. I have to jump from a hotel (no accessible bridges or clifftops in my area) and hotel rooms are obviously expensive. This is a lot of pressure. I keep thinking about what could go wrong and the 2 hour trip. When I had access to other methods, I had no Si. I keep ruminating of what could go wrong. I just have to accept what I don't have control over though. But the anxiety I feel constantly is agonizing. I would be so calm if my death were guaranteed.

 

[profoundexperience]

It's really normal to be scared.

Yes, absolutely normal. Feelings of fear often come from thoughts of danger... and the intensity of is moderated by salience (how important we judge something to be).

Don't know if that helps or not. Thoughts though (unlike feelings) can be written-down and then plans can be made to mitigate them.

I can't control that and I can't control what I think of. Now, or on that day. I have to accept what I can't control.

You can control whether you "welcome" or else try to "push away" the bad/unpleasant/unwanted stuff. Maybe think of it as welcoming into your home an unpleasant houseguest (that you have no choice about having visit). How can you make such a guest feel welcomed? Neither hold-on to the guests nor push them away.

Whatever time I do it is "the right time" and "meant to be" because that's when I did it.

Yes. Who defines which is this "magical" "right time" = we each do ourselves (no one else can).

I really do wish for the "calm, placid" feeling though. I've felt it many times, acted once during it, and failed. ... It was the best feeling I've felt since becoming suicidal years ago.

I seek that feeling constantly.

Trying to create a feeling, imho, can be very stressful for me. Best if it arises naturally, on it's own. Welcome it too (if it comes)... but if not, perhaps recall with appreciation those times it was present. Maybe you might not have the feeling, yet you can control your genuine appreciation-feeling you have for it. I'm saying rather than feel the "seeking" it... feel appreciating it (maybe even write it a "love note"?).

my constant obsession over details and what could go wrong makes no difference. It's just a product of my mental illness.

I have something similar... it prevents me from getting much of anything done. It's paralyzing.

Surprisingly I've been able to talk about these fears openly with my therapist. ... But she reminded me I can't control what I think of before I die.

That's great! Sounds like you found one of the good ones.

Practice does make perfect. Studies have found that one of the biggest indicators of someone successfully committing suicide is a prior suicide attempt and 'practice' beforehand.

Maybe "perfect" is a poor choice of words for people like us (it is the saying). But, I think we (you and I) should define perfect as "good enough". For a reasonable/~average person, did we do a "good enough" job (so the reasonable person would expect it to work).

I wish so badly that assisted suicide were legal, so that I didn't have to obsess over these what-ifs and fears of failure and details though.

Absolutely. Unfortunately, the "real religion" of the vast majority of people in this world is, "Life is a good thing." They worship that, literally (for many reasons including evolutionary benefits). Allowing people to kill themselves contradicts their philosophy too much and they are unwilling to face that contradiction.

So, our lives aren't completely our own (as they exert control over our very living and dying) and we are all ~slaves to other people.

I'd like to reply to more of your answers

Only if you naturally want-to. I get a lot out of my writing because saying things to others = saying them to myself (and I really need to hear some of this again).

I feel like I wouldn't have as much as anxiety if I was using a different method. I keep thinking about what could go wrong and the 2 hour trip.

Have you considered compression/tourniquet/"night-night"? It's my backup method.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/self-strangulation.45267/post-821012

But the anxiety I feel constantly is agonizing. I would be so calm if my death were guaranteed.

Unfortunately, a guarantee is something none of us have. Perhaps try to "welcome" that too. And remember "good enough"...

I wish you great wellness, @tryingtoescape!

 

[Captive of Mind]

I feel horrible. I know some people say "if you're asking, it's not the right time." But that answer doesn't comfort me at all. I just want to know that I'll die, and then I'll be calm. I'm feeling trapped all the time not knowing when it'll end. I know I want to do it, but when it comes down to the exact day, I have to spend a lot of money for my method. It's stressing me out to think about this. I just want this all to stop. I'm obsessed with the right moment and it feeling natural. I know I want to do it though. But I have to spend the money. So I want it to feel right and natural. It's so hard to explain. I have OCD and this is one of my obsessions. My suicide being at the right moment. I'm scared no one else understands. Does anyone know what I mean?

I know what you mean and everyone who contemplates suicide has the same fears and anxiety about it. You should only commit to something like this when you have no doubt at all. You should avoid doing it impulsively and give it a long stretch of time to see if your decision wavers. This isn't the sort of thing where you get do overs if it wasn't the right decision.

 

[profoundexperience]

You should only commit to something like this when you have no doubt at all.

I'm not sure if there's such a thing as "no doubt at all": Sure, I've felt that way before about things (and later found I was wrong). And, I'm not manic, but I understand some manias manifest as a "no doubt at all"-kind-of-feeling. So "that feeling" can at times be a "faulty indicator".

There's also probably a difference between "no doubt at all" about wanting to ctb -- which is one thing -- and "no doubt at all" about a particular method. Just like birth control, no ctb method is 100% (so doubt is healthy/good... it's telling us to try to make our plans better).

You should avoid doing it impulsively and give it a long stretch of time

I 100% agree.

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

For me it was when I realised I couldn't possibly imagine going through another 60 some odd years of this. I've been suicidal on and off most of my life but now it's a constant state of thought. I'm still scared and every time I think about lasts like eating my favourite burger for the last time or leaving the house for the last time I break down sobbing but at the same time I know I can't continue on like this. It's somewhat comforting knowing i have a (shakey atm) exit plan and I imagine I'll feel even better once it's solidified

 

[tryingtoescape]

Ty so much again.

Don't know if that helps or not. Thoughts though (unlike feelings) can be written-down and then plans can be made to mitigate them.

I'll be doing this. I already have a list of thoughts written out that I'll think of again to calm me.

You can control whether you "welcome" or else try to "push away" the bad/unpleasant/unwanted stuff. Maybe think of it as welcoming into your home an unpleasant houseguest (that you have no choice about having visit). How can you make such a guest feel welcomed? Neither hold-on to the guests nor push them away.
Yes. Who defines which is this "magical" "right time" = we each do ourselves (no one else can).

Trying to create a feeling, imho, can be very stressful for me. Best if it arises naturally, on it's own. Welcome it too (if it comes)... but if not, perhaps recall with appreciation those times it was present. Maybe you might not have the feeling, yet you can control your genuine appreciation-feeling you have for it. I'm saying rather than feel the "seeking" it... feel appreciating it (maybe even write it a "love note"?).

This is all amazing advice. Looking at this way calms me. I have OCD. I overthink everything so much. I try to force feelings, try to push other feelings away. It only makes things worse. It'll be very easy to write that love note to the feeling though. I'm very depressed and at peace with death right now at the moment. I fell asleep at 6 am and woke up in the afternoon when it was already getting dark. Life feels incredibly bleak.

I have something similar... it prevents me from getting much of anything done. It's paralyzing.

That's great! Sounds like you found one of the good ones.

Maybe "perfect" is a poor choice of words for people like us (it is the saying). But, I think we (you and I) should define perfect as "good enough". For a reasonable/~average person, did we do a "good enough" job (so the reasonable person would expect it to work).

Exactly, perfect is a poor choice of words for people who overthink like I do. "Good enough" is all right. I will die when I die and the last day won't be perfect and that's okay. Whenever it happens, that's when it was "meant to happen." Black and white thinking due to OCD is crippling. It will be good enough and that's fine.

Absolutely. Unfortunately, the "real religion" of the vast majority of people in this world is, "Life is a good thing." They worship that, literally (for many reasons including evolutionary benefits). Allowing people to kill themselves contradicts their philosophy too much and they are unwilling to face that contradiction.

I don't understand how people enjoy life at all. I've literally asked people "but how do you enjoy life? I don't understand. They enjoy it. We have different brain wiring. I understand looking at it objectively, there is an evolutionary reason for them enjoying life and having an attachment to life. But I'll never understand it personally. I can't feel it. I feel utterly empty, full of dread. Life is agonizing to me.

So, our lives aren't completely our own (as they exert control over our very living and dying) and we are all ~slaves to other people.

Only if you naturally want-to. I get a lot out of my writing because saying things to others = saying them to myself (and I really need to hear some of this again).

Have you considered compression/tourniquet/"night-night"? It's my backup method.

I have! Partial and C.O. are actually my backup methods. I have no Si when it comes to partial. I just can't pass out.

Unfortunately, a guarantee is something none of us have. Perhaps try to "welcome" that too. And remember "good enough"...

I wish you great wellness, @tryingtoescape!

Everything you said was incredibly comforting again. I wish you great wellness and peace. I'd love to hear what else you think.

I'm not sure if there's such a thing as "no doubt at all": Sure, I've felt that way before about things (and later found I was wrong). And, I'm not manic, but I understand some manias manifest as a "no doubt at all"-kind-of-feeling. So "that feeling" can at times be a "faulty indicator".

There's also probably a difference between "no doubt at all" about wanting to ctb -- which is one thing -- and "no doubt at all" about a particular method. Just like birth control, no ctb method is 100% (so doubt is healthy/good... it's telling us to try to make our plans better).

I 100% agree.

Yes, I do not believe "no doubt at all" can always be achieved, in any subject. I think that sort of Black and White Thinking has been a great source of stress for me. I've felt sure about many things while hypomanic, and later completely changed my mind, and I've felt doubtful of many things that were true.
Regardless, I completely agree that suicide is not a decision to be made lightly or impulsively. I'm 100% sure about it being the right decision for me, and I've been sure for 4 years. Not a day has gone by where I've been unsure or had a little bout of doubt as to whether I should really end my life. What has held me back has been anxiety over circumstances I can't control, and obsessive compulsive disorder-fueled obsessions.

For me it was when I realised I couldn't possibly imagine going through another 60 some odd years of this. I've been suicidal on and off most of my life but now it's a constant state of thought. I'm still scared and every time I think about lasts like eating my favourite burger for the last time or leaving the house for the last time I break down sobbing but at the same time I know I can't continue on like this. It's somewhat comforting knowing i have a (shakey atm) exit plan and I imagine I'll feel even better once it's solidified

Wow, this is so weird. I've had those thoughts too and it's nice to hear someone else say them. Leaving my house for the last time, eating a really delicious meal for the last time. However, suicide is a constant state of thought for me too. The little moments of pleasure don't outweigh the constant suffering. And it isn't worth it.