Alpenglow
Never really there
- Mar 5, 2024
- 48
I'm relatively resigned to just feeling lonely and shitty all the time. I'm tired of trying to solve my problems when no one cares what I want and if they do I have to out in effort to explain what it is I want from them in terms of behaviour because clearly I'm a massive sociopath that interacts in an incredible maladaptive way with other human beings. But that's fine you know? I'm ok with it, I don't have it extremely bad and I'm still pretty young so I can probably wait a couple more years before catching the bus.
So obviously I'm crying and feeling generally shitty this morning, skipping class and deciding whether I really want to show up to this presentation about AI and door security with this classmate of mine and then the funniest thing happens. Now just a bit of context this classmate of mine has thrown the work onto me because he's incompetent and that's fine I suppose, but keep in mind that he was intending on not doing a single bit of work. So this morning he checks to see if I'm coming, I'm feeling like shit and say maybe, do whatever you want. He proceeds to tell me what he will do to my mother if I don't show up, it's banter, I get it. I tell him I want to die. He tells me to die in class. Somewhere down the line he starts asking if I'm serious, idk if its regarding my will to live, me using his reaction to telling him I want to die to decide I'm not coming, or me not showing up in general. Probably the former two. I say what do you think, and he says "GL". That's fucking crazy right? Like it's not real, there's no real human being that does that right? I get that I'm clearly stupid and a sociopath but this just doesn't happen right?
And I'm sorry for not telling them sooner, but there's no way that grade is more important than another person's wellbeing. Writing it out I see where my problem is. I guess I can't reasonably expect that from someone. It's benign and almost nothing, I just wanted to write it out because I'm a bit surprised. Plus it's kind of funny that it's actually a real interaction with another human being. I mean what the fuck
It probably just hit harder than usual since me crying has a lot to do with me thinking that what I want and my happiness don't really matter. Like it 'matters' but no really yk?
So obviously I'm crying and feeling generally shitty this morning, skipping class and deciding whether I really want to show up to this presentation about AI and door security with this classmate of mine and then the funniest thing happens. Now just a bit of context this classmate of mine has thrown the work onto me because he's incompetent and that's fine I suppose, but keep in mind that he was intending on not doing a single bit of work. So this morning he checks to see if I'm coming, I'm feeling like shit and say maybe, do whatever you want. He proceeds to tell me what he will do to my mother if I don't show up, it's banter, I get it. I tell him I want to die. He tells me to die in class. Somewhere down the line he starts asking if I'm serious, idk if its regarding my will to live, me using his reaction to telling him I want to die to decide I'm not coming, or me not showing up in general. Probably the former two. I say what do you think, and he says "GL". That's fucking crazy right? Like it's not real, there's no real human being that does that right? I get that I'm clearly stupid and a sociopath but this just doesn't happen right?
And I'm sorry for not telling them sooner, but there's no way that grade is more important than another person's wellbeing. Writing it out I see where my problem is. I guess I can't reasonably expect that from someone. It's benign and almost nothing, I just wanted to write it out because I'm a bit surprised. Plus it's kind of funny that it's actually a real interaction with another human being. I mean what the fuck
It probably just hit harder than usual since me crying has a lot to do with me thinking that what I want and my happiness don't really matter. Like it 'matters' but no really yk?
