Ty so much again.
Don't know if that helps or not. Thoughts though (unlike feelings) can be written-down and then plans can be made to mitigate them.
I'll be doing this. I already have a list of thoughts written out that I'll think of again to calm me.
You can control whether you "welcome" or else try to "push away" the bad/unpleasant/unwanted stuff. Maybe think of it as welcoming into your home an unpleasant houseguest (that you have no choice about having visit). How can you make such a guest feel welcomed? Neither hold-on to the guests nor push them away.
Yes. Who defines which is this "magical" "right time" = we each do ourselves (no one else can).
Trying to create a feeling, imho, can be very stressful for me. Best if it arises naturally, on it's own. Welcome it too (if it comes)... but if not, perhaps recall with appreciation those times it was present. Maybe you might not have the feeling, yet you can control your genuine appreciation-feeling you have for it. I'm saying rather than feel the "seeking" it... feel appreciating it (maybe even write it a "love note"?).
This is all amazing advice. Looking at this way calms me. I have OCD. I overthink everything so much. I try to force feelings, try to push other feelings away. It only makes things worse. It'll be very easy to write that love note to the feeling though. I'm very depressed and at peace with death right now at the moment. I fell asleep at 6 am and woke up in the afternoon when it was already getting dark. Life feels incredibly bleak.
I have something similar... it prevents me from getting much of anything done. It's paralyzing.
That's great! Sounds like you found one of the good ones.
Maybe "perfect" is a poor choice of words for people like us (it is the saying). But, I think we (you and I) should define perfect as "good enough". For a reasonable/~average person, did we do a "good enough" job (so the reasonable person would expect it to work).
Exactly, perfect is a poor choice of words for people who overthink like I do. "Good enough" is all right. I will die when I die and the last day won't be perfect and that's okay. Whenever it happens, that's when it was "meant to happen." Black and white thinking due to OCD is crippling. It will be good enough and that's fine.
Absolutely. Unfortunately, the "real religion" of the vast majority of people in this world is, "Life is a good thing." They worship that, literally (for many reasons including evolutionary benefits). Allowing people to kill themselves contradicts their philosophy too much and they are unwilling to face that contradiction.
I don't understand how people enjoy life at all. I've literally asked people "but how do you enjoy life? I don't understand. They enjoy it. We have different brain wiring. I understand looking at it objectively, there is an evolutionary reason for them enjoying life and having an attachment to life. But I'll never understand it personally. I can't feel it. I feel utterly empty, full of dread. Life is agonizing to me.
So, our lives aren't completely our own (as they exert control over our very living and dying) and we are all ~slaves to other people.
Only if you naturally want-to. I get a lot out of my writing because saying things to others = saying them to myself (and I really need to hear some of this again).
Have you considered compression/tourniquet/"night-night"? It's my backup method.
I have! Partial and C.O. are actually my backup methods. I have no Si when it comes to partial. I just can't pass out.
Unfortunately, a guarantee is something none of us have. Perhaps try to "welcome" that too. And remember "good enough"...
I wish you great wellness, @tryingtoescape!
Everything you said was incredibly comforting again. I wish you great wellness and peace. I'd love to hear what else you think.
I'm not sure if there's such a thing as "no doubt at all": Sure, I've felt that way before about things (and later found I was wrong). And, I'm not manic, but I understand some manias manifest as a "no doubt at all"-kind-of-feeling. So "that feeling" can at times be a "faulty indicator".
There's also probably a difference between "no doubt at all" about wanting to ctb -- which is one thing -- and "no doubt at all" about a particular method. Just like birth control, no ctb method is 100% (so doubt is healthy/good... it's telling us to try to make our plans better).
I 100% agree.
Yes, I do not believe "no doubt at all" can always be achieved, in any subject. I think that sort of Black and White Thinking has been a great source of stress for me. I've felt sure about many things while hypomanic, and later completely changed my mind, and I've felt doubtful of many things that were true.
Regardless, I completely agree that suicide is not a decision to be made lightly or impulsively. I'm 100% sure about it being the right decision for me, and I've been sure for 4 years. Not a day has gone by where I've been unsure or had a little bout of doubt as to whether I should really end my life. What has held me back has been anxiety over circumstances I can't control, and obsessive compulsive disorder-fueled obsessions.
For me it was when I realised I couldn't possibly imagine going through another 60 some odd years of this. I've been suicidal on and off most of my life but now it's a constant state of thought. I'm still scared and every time I think about lasts like eating my favourite burger for the last time or leaving the house for the last time I break down sobbing but at the same time I know I can't continue on like this. It's somewhat comforting knowing i have a (shakey atm) exit plan and I imagine I'll feel even better once it's solidified
Wow, this is so weird. I've had those thoughts too and it's nice to hear someone else say them. Leaving my house for the last time, eating a really delicious meal for the last time. However, suicide is a constant state of thought for me too. The little moments of pleasure don't outweigh the constant suffering. And it isn't worth it.