Everything feels hopeless

[burninghill]

Everything is one never ending cycle. You think you've gotten better till you haven't. I have a boyfriend now and I'm about to finish my second year of university but things are still shit.

If I'm not actively outside with my friends or partner, I want to die, and I can't live if my happiness depends on them. It's not fair on anybody.

It feels so wrong to have let myself get into a relationship knowing I'm suicidal, but I couldn't help it. I just want to feel good but it's never enough. I always want more and more and more.

If God actually loved me he'd let me do it. He'd make sure that when I laid down on those fucking rails that I had no doubts and felt no fear. I need it now

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I feel you. I've been trying to get better for the past 4 years and no matter how hard I try I just end up back at square one. I hope you can find your peace.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Everything is one never ending cycle. You think you've gotten better till you haven't. I have a boyfriend now and I'm about to finish my second year of university but things are still shit.

If I'm not actively outside with my friends or partner, I want to die, and I can't live if my happiness depends on them. It's not fair on anybody.

It feels so wrong to have let myself get into a relationship knowing I'm suicidal, but I couldn't help it. I just want to feel good but it's never enough. I always want more and more and more.

If God actually loved me he'd let me do it. He'd make sure that when I laid down on those fucking rails that I had no doubts and felt no fear. I need it now

So, I supposed that this was how she felt, eh? With her exes then me.

I don't think that your happiness depends on them. It just so happens that you find happiness in them. They just happen to be good people who are good to you. I don't think that they feel burdened by you at all. They gain the same kind of light when they see you which means that you're not a terrible person and that you're worth spending time with. You're an individual that they can feel safe with.

Again, I'm going to say that, I believe that people who know you and care about you will not pull away when you're a mess.

Okay, they'll probably be offended that you're suddenly going dark or... they'll be mad at you for running away. They'll begin resenting you when you don't do what you usually do with them. But all of this will melt away if you come back and talk to them. The OGs will get it. They'll apologize for their outburst, forgive you, and find ways to accommodate you. They want to see you do better and I say stick to them!

It's a hard cycle and battling suicidal ideations and depression is not easy. I've said this before and I'll say it again: you need a really, really big support system so when these people flock to you wanting to, expecting you to recover--stay with them. People need other people. I need other people too! None of us are meant to live by ourselves, dude.

Isolation and bottling your emotions are the first stepping stone into the void. I hope that you can confide in your boyfriend, friends, and family about you wanting to push daisies.

I hope you're doing a bit okay now. We've seen each other a couple of times.