Discussion How do you feel the moment you wake up?

[Deleted member 20852]

To face the pain of another hopeless day with a crushing wave of disappointment that I'm still alive.
It's worse if I have any dreams where I kill myself only wake up and see it wasn't real.

 

[Sensei]

I used to have so-called morning terrors. I was filled with a sense of doom and felt an urgency to kill myself; it doesn't really resemble any other mood I've been in. It usually lasted an hour or less. Since my medication started working, it's fortunately been a rare occurrence.

 

[foxdie]

Every morning for years now:

"Shit, still here."

 

[Zenpurrz]

I usually wake up to cats begging for attention and treats. I cannot express how grateful I am for them because they distract me from the crushing weight of my chronic pain and omnipresent desire to free myself from this cycle of misery I call life. Honestly, they are the reason I am still alive as they are the only ones that still give me any feelings of love or joy. Selfishly I want to spend my last hours with them but I do not want to end up leaving them with my slowly rotting corpse so I have some thinking and planning to do before I ctb...

 

[MindFog]

I usually wake up to cats begging for attention and treats. I cannot express how grateful I am for them because they distract me from the crushing weight of my chronic pain and omnipresent desire to free myself from this cycle of misery I call life. Honestly, they are the reason I am still alive as they are the only ones that still give me any feelings of love or joy. Selfishly I want to spend my last hours with them but I do not want to end up leaving them with my slowly rotting corpse so I have some thinking and planning to do before I ctb...

Pets are a gift from God (if he's real). My two rascals always help me get thru the day. I know I say this to any owner here, but please pet that kitty for me .

 

[Nimbus]

I usually wake up to cats begging for attention and treats. I cannot express how grateful I am for them because they distract me from the crushing weight of my chronic pain and omnipresent desire to free myself from this cycle of misery I call life. Honestly, they are the reason I am still alive as they are the only ones that still give me any feelings of love or joy. Selfishly I want to spend my last hours with them but I do not want to end up leaving them with my slowly rotting corpse so I have some thinking and planning to do before I ctb...

I relate to this so much. Especially wanting to spend my last hours with them purring in my lap. But I promised my bf I'd never ctb at home (where he'd have to find me) so I won't be able to be with the purr faces at the end.

 

[greebo6]

I feel horrible every time I wake up. Its the worst time of every day. The overwhelming feeling of dread and sadness as another day unfolds.
Some days I shed a tear some days I don't but that horrible feeling is always there.

 

[Sherri]

I feel empty, drowsy from the sleeping tablets and say to myself another hell of a day to face....

 

[Kat!]

TIRED. It takes me like 5-9 tries to get out of bed every morning.
I wish I was joking. I just woke up at like 12 today.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I wake up many times during the night and always have disjointed sleep. Whilst I lie awake wishing I could get at least four or five hours uninterrupted, that's when the darkest thoughts and feelings come. There are no distractions in the night, only the harsh realities. I long for the dawn and the evaporation of those night monsters amongst the distracting actions of the daylight.

 

[usernameforhere]

Still laying where I woke up a short time again wondering how it's possible to sleep this much wishing I could go back to sleep

 

[Mongo]

I don't sleep.
physically, I am in pain that borderlines on my already high tolerances.
psychologically, I am numb; dreading the interaction with my girlfriend who visibly reacts with disgust when she hears my voice.
I dread the day and pretty much everything in it.

 

[sadgirl2002]

My first thought is: I wish I didn't wake up.

 

[lonerclown666]

Sad in remember life is pure of shit

 

[SodaBaconWeed]

Dread that I'll have to spend another day doing nothing and going bored out of my mind. Emptiness coupled with anxiety not knowing what my future will hold.

 

[sadworld]

Miserable, I just wanna fall back asleep and never wake up...

 

[Wraith]

 

[Jumper Geo]

 

[Belaya Noch]

The first one or two minutes after waking up i feel an overwhelming self-disgust, as if i was a bag full of shit.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I wake up with a host of physical symptoms (which is why, when I first started waking up like that, I thought it was some new physical problem to add to my long list of health issues and when I Googled my symptoms, low blood sugar kept coming up. I found out I DO have low blood sugar but doctors - as usual - insist that's not the cause of my symptoms/feelings) like nausea, intestinal cramping, shaking/trembling, heart palpitations and pounding, sweating, and this hard-to-describe sensation of like I'm both awake and in a dream at the same time...it's so hard to put into words. It's like my perception of reality is all screwy, like when I've woken up from anesthesia sort of. Then I wake up more and those sensations/symptoms continue at one degree or another pretty much all day. If I"m lucky the nausea will lessen a bit after I take an anti-nausea med. these things happen to me whether I 'sleep' (in quotes b/c I never sleep well anymore, not deeply) at night or just a nap. It's hell. This started like 7 years ago. Before that I'd wake up thinking how I have to struggle to get through another day and want to roll over and just go back to sleep the rest of the day. I wish I could go back to that vs all these physical symptoms I have now upon waking.

 

[Outsider]

Physical: Frontal sinus pain, half blocked nose which makes it hard to breathe. Pain in hands and feet. Sore throat. Fatigue, sleepiness, sometimes half awake half asleep and physically to weak to move. Sometimes back pain.
Mental: I don't want to live anymore.

 

[Mentalmick]

I wake up with a host of physical symptoms (which is why, when I first started waking up like that, I thought it was some new physical problem to add to my long list of health issues and when I Googled my symptoms, low blood sugar kept coming up. I found out I DO have low blood sugar but doctors - as usual - insist that's not the cause of my symptoms/feelings) like nausea, intestinal cramping, shaking/trembling, heart palpitations and pounding, sweating, and this hard-to-describe sensation of like I'm both awake and in a dream at the same time...it's so hard to put into words. It's like my perception of reality is all screwy, like when I've woken up from anesthesia sort of. Then I wake up more and those sensations/symptoms continue at one degree or another pretty much all day. If I"m lucky the nausea will lessen a bit after I take an anti-nausea med. these things happen to me whether I 'sleep' (in quotes b/c I never sleep well anymore, not deeply) at night or just a nap. It's hell. This started like 7 years ago. Before that I'd wake up thinking how I have to struggle to get through another day and want to roll over and just go back to sleep the rest of the day. I wish I could go back to that vs all these physical symptoms I have now upon waking.

If you add extreme thirst to that list then you may be diabetic. I had the same symptoms when I was deliberately ignoring my diabetes.

 

[Worndown]

Like While Coyote after a fall

 

[user667]

i have to do another day of the same fucking things over again. oh well…

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Depends on whether it's a work day

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

If you add extreme thirst to that list then you may be diabetic. I had the same symptoms when I was deliberately ignoring my diabetes.

I (fortunately) don't have extreme thirst but I've seen multiple endocrinologists since this began in 2014, plus my PCP who has done bloodwork yearly, and I'm not diabetic. My body does do this weird thing where it puts out too much insulin in response to eating, then sugar drops low, then stabilizes...so they say 'it's nothing to be concerned about'. :-/ My mom was diabetic and all of her siblings and her mother, so it diabetes runs strong in the family so I won't be surprised if I'm headed for that (another reason to ctb) in the future but as of right now, all the docs say I'm not diabetic. I hope you've been able to manage your diabetes and that you're doing well on that front. I understand how much of a struggle it can be to keep those sugars under control and how life altering diabetes is; I saw it with my mom. :( Sending you thanks for your reply to my comment, and a hug <3

 

[Fyrinne]

I constantly wake up with my heart racing and my whole body in chills... Basically, I wake up to a panic attack every morning, and often do it at least 2 or 3 times a day... It's fucking awful, and I hate it. If I'm not actively distracting myself, I'm in a constant state of dread that I'm going to have a breakdown...

 

[Deleted member 24434]

Utter dread, like I'm being crushed and nausea. Then tears. Then my inner monologue telling me how fucking pathetic I am, which makes me jump out of bed but also shames me for being so useless.

 

[LonelyDude15]

Immediately starts reliving a terrible past memory, it really never stops

 

[Spitfire]

Why? It runs through my mind soon as I wake up. Then I start thinking it is time to end this existence for myself...