How do I run away without feeling mentally destroyed and guilty of my actions?

[Avyn]

I plan on running away from my parents in a couple of months, but the feeling I get every time I think about it makes me feel like I am selfish and weak.
Now, my mother is very controlling and also verbally abusive, narcissistic, very common these people. She has manipulated me a lot and although I know about her manipulations, I can't get myself to leave. I always worry about how my mother will feel, how their lives will be without me, etc. I don't want them to suffer, I would feel very guilty if they ended up being depressed.
Even though she is the one that made me hate myself, made me deperessed and caused me to think about leaving, I feel bad for hurting her and the rest of my family.

But at the same time, friends told me to think about myself and my own freedom, do I want to live this way? No, I certainly don't. Do I have any other options right now? No, I don't.
I have thought about ending my life countless of times ever since I was around 12 years old, and that thought makes me feel better than when I think about running away, for some reason. Maybe because once I die, I won't have to worry about anything anymore? Could be that. But I really don't know what to do about this, it makes me feel like crap.

Is there any way I could deal with these thoughts?

 

[Lmd]

Going to the extreme is it for something in particular? Isn't there some way you can go away and control contact without actually losing it?

 

[Good4Nothing]

Running away from your parents?
Are you old enough to be on this website?
It's 18+.

 

[Avyn]

Going to the extreme is it for something in particular? Isn't there some way you can go away and control contact without actually losing it?

No, everything I do is taboo to them and they would hate me for my actions for god knows how long. If I told them I plan on leaving, there'd be a lot of drama and fights happening, also me potentionally getting locked up and controlled even more, for sure. Also counting the fact my mother would go crazy and try to find me any way possible, saying I have a mental illness and her way of parenting couldn't ever be the reason I left.

Running away from your parents?
Are you old enough to be on this website?
It's 18+.

Ye I am 19, will turn 20 in Oct, still live with my parents

 

[Life_and_Death]

dont know where you live and therefor dont know the laws but, youre an adult cant you just move out? also your friends have the best advice. do what you feel is best for yourself

Running away from your parents?
Are you old enough to be on this website?
It's 18+.

i didnt think anything about it. lots of people here still live with their parents or are still going to school.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Then you're an adult. You don't have to run away. Just leave.

 

[Avyn]

dont know where you live and therefor dont know the laws but, youre an adult cant you just move out? also your friends have the best advice. do what you feel is best for yourself

i didnt think anything about it. lots of people here still live with their parents or are still going to school.

I already know where I will be going to, I just can't deal with these thoughts I mentioned above... it destroys me, I hate hurting others, even if it's people that harmed me

 

[Life_and_Death]

I already know where I will be going to, I just can't deal with these thoughts I mentioned above... it destroys me, I hate hurting others, even if it's people that harmed me

why not try it for just a little while. maybe once you start feeling les stressed youll decide to stay longer

 

[Lmd]

No, everything I do is taboo to them and they would hate me for my actions for god knows how long. If I told them I plan on leaving, there'd be a lot of drama and fights happening, also me potentionally getting locked up and controlled even more, for sure. Also counting the fact my mother would go crazy and try to find me any way possible, saying I have a mental illness and her way of parenting couldn't ever be the reason I left.

Ye I am 19, will turn 20 in Oct, still live with my parents

Yeah but you can just leave and tell them later if you are afraid of being locked. Fights are something normal but I think there's no need to going to the extreme. If they don't approve then it's up to them and you are already in a new place so what's the problem.

 

[Avyn]

Then you're an adult. You don't have to run away. Just leave.

Exactly. The problem are my thoughts that make it hard for me to leave. All this overthinking, feeling guilty and bad. I need advice if theres any way to deal with that and get mentally ready for it

 

[Sensei]

Since you're here, it means that you're suicidal. You can save your life by running away. What can be more important?

 

[Avyn]

Since you're here, it means that you're suicidal. You can save your life by running away. What can be more important?

I dont understand what you mean... I just need some advice how to deal with these bad thoughts and get mentally prepared. Thats it

 

[Sensei]

I dont understand what you mean... I just need some advice how to deal with these bad thoughts and get mentally prepared. Thats it

If you tell yourself that you're saving your life it will be easier for you.

 

[Avyn]

If you tell yourself that you're saving your life it will be easier for you.

yeah..i need to keep telling that myself, I just keep thinking im selfish and my life is normal when its clearly not.. thank you♥

 

[woknows]

DO not feel guilty. Trust me. Narcissists do not feel guilt. Runaway and arrange your life.

 

[Good4Nothing]

In my opinion, all young people should get out into the world and try to live before deciding to kill themselves. Of course living with your parents makes you suicidal - you have no autonomy, no agency, no true independence. At least TRY to live before offing yourself. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. But at least you tried.

 

[Makko]

You struggle with guilt because your perception is upside down. Your parents aren't friends that you must betray. They're enemies that you must defeat.

 

[Water-Lily]

I plan on running away from my parents in a couple of months, but the feeling I get every time I think about it makes me feel like I am selfish and weak.
Now, my mother is very controlling and also verbally abusive, narcissistic, very common these people. She has manipulated me a lot and although I know about her manipulations, I can't get myself to leave. I always worry about how my mother will feel, how their lives will be without me, etc. I don't want them to suffer, I would feel very guilty if they ended up being depressed.
Even though she is the one that made me hate myself, made me deperessed and caused me to think about leaving, I feel bad for hurting her and the rest of my family.

But at the same time, friends told me to think about myself and my own freedom, do I want to live this way? No, I certainly don't. Do I have any other options right now? No, I don't.
I have thought about ending my life countless of times ever since I was around 12 years old, and that thought makes me feel better than when I think about running away, for some reason. Maybe because once I die, I won't have to worry about anything anymore? Could be that. But I really don't know what to do about this, it makes me feel like crap.

Is there any way I could deal with these thoughts?

I relate to your story. Almost the exact same situation. I had a horrible abusive narc mom who started my suicidal thoughts when I was 13. My dad was an enabler and my brother is now following in her footsteps. While she has since died, now I am with my dad and brother. My dad is still an enabler who frequently fights my brother and the two now have a volatile relationship. And my brother also comes at me (he's been slowing down lately). So I can relate in wanting to leave. However, do not do it impulsively. Create a plan. Talk to friends, agencies, etc. Call some numbers and look into seeing what you can do. If you can stay with some people or get a place for yourself. I am bad with finances so I am not sure whats the best advice to give. Just know you are not the only one stuck with abusive family and we both deserve happiness!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think it would help first to figure exactly where you're running away to and how you will get there. I'm sure if you had like your own space to live in and a way to pay for it your parents should respect you enough as an adult to allow you to do that.

 

[LunarPyotr]

If that's true, I would recommend you getting one of those pre-activated SIM cards, an used phone (Galaxy S9+ are cheap and if you install CrDroid firmware on it) and create an new google account on a public wifi hotspot (requires a SIM Card during the setup), before running away.

I once known a guy who ran away from his parents because they hated him for being homosexual and those were the tipps I gave him. He's now happily living his life in a different country and even somehow managed to change his surname. From time to time he writes me a message on Signal.

Also, I know I might sound like a doomer but a portable CB Radio transmitter. The Baofeng BF-T9 could be useful in that case, since it is really simple, cheap and also can be charged via USB instead of an DC jack or by charging AA batteries.
The company where I worked, used those and the USB feature was kinda handy. I used to charge it in Starbucks