I am currently in a clinic but I don't give a shit on anti-suicide contracts. I am very overwhelmed by the situation. Maybe I am paranoid. I try to keep it somewhat short.
My sister messaged me some hours ago. Something like "Where is the new apartment you will move to? Will it be a share apartment? Will it be one of these mental health facilities? How much will you have to pay for it? Are there duties for you in such an apartment?" I was like what the actual fuck. I am already planning to kill myself if I ever have to move to one of these apartments. I did not know about these plans at all. My mom pays for my apartment. So I got very anxious to be thrown out. The husband of my mom wants to throw me out all the time. I told my mom I think I cannot stomach college much longer and that I am too suicidal for it some weeks ago.
I tried to confront my mom with it. She told me we will talk later when you are at home. She would explain it to me. Well I got pretty angry. First I considered it might be a misunderstanding. But my sister deleted all the messages of today. She is such a stupid bitch. Deleting all the messages made it way more suspicious. I got pretty angry and insulted my mom for betraying me like that. Actually I don't have a confirmation yet but the situation is extremely scary. I insulted she very much and blamed her for the child abuse. I told her I kept quiet all the time about my torment in front of her to protect her because of her strokes and this is what I get paid back. I told her I gonna kill myself if they throw me out. But emphasized I am not acute suicide like 2-3 times just to save my ass. Just in case. I am pretty acute suicidal and I am already thinking how to do the fasting. She and her husband are not at home. I could imagine that she might have another stroke. To be honest it is not my fucking fault. This was the most stupid move these bitches could do on me. This is betrayal. The husband of my mom threatened me over a messenger I instantly blocked him.
Today in clinic I had a conversation with an extremely lazy doctor who obviously did not give a shit about my situation. This dude would be blamed. I could very well live with that. He would not give any fuck I am pretty sure about that. We talked about my plans for the future. And well it is all complete and utter dog shit.
The situation reminds me of the situation of a person I liked here on the forum who committed suicide shortly afterwards.
I feel sorry for my friends. Maybe my dad not my mom. If I kill myself I feel sorry for the other patients in the clinic. I hope there won't be a domino effect. I feel sorry for the people in my self-help group who had to listen to my tragic story. Also some staff members treated me very well.
My mom does not seem to return. Which increases the new stroke theory. To be honest my sister should be blamed. How can you be that stupid? And she can work in contrast to me. I envy that. If she has a new stroke this won't be good for our situation either.
There are still open questions. In case they really want me to go to a mental health facilitiy I am going to kill myself to 100%. I also told my mom that while emphasizing I am not acute suicidal. Lmao. I heard extreme horror stories about these mental health facilities. I have SN here at home. I also have all the other medication for a higher success rate. If my mom only wanted me to move to a cheaper normal apartment we could talk about that. But my sister mentioned a mental health facilitiy/ shared apartment. Holy shit. I won't do that. Never ever. If I kill myself they deserved the pain. Especially my mom.
The biggest problem would be the fasting. My antipsychotics are antiemetics I take them daily at 7 p.m. 8 hours fasting would mean I could kill myself at 3 a.m. I have big sleeping issues and usually wake up at 4 a.m. But if I already know I am going to kill myself the sleeping rhythm would be destroyed. I just ate something small at 5 p.m.. This would mean I could kill myself at 1 a.m. if I did not eat something from now. But I have to take my medication at 7 a.m. with much food otherwise I turn psychotic. Tomorrow will also be another day in the clinic. Gladly I have not told the doctor the substance I would take. He wanted to know that and I insisted I don't want to say that. He had to chuckle about it. My thought was if such a remark was written in a report they would have an antidote pretty early in case I took it. I could very well imagine my SI kicks in in the last seconds. My thought would be maybe to kill myself tomorrow at 4 a.m. but I don't think I could sleep much in case that was the plan. On the other hand I have A LOT of benzos and sleeping (z-) medication on here. It depends how determined I will be. On the other hand I could also kill myself at the weekend. It is very weird my mom and her husband are not at home. I could very well imagine another stroke. It would make my suicide just even more rational. I don't know fuck my life. Thanks that I am allowed to document which things drove me to commit suicide.
My sister messaged me some hours ago. Something like "Where is the new apartment you will move to? Will it be a share apartment? Will it be one of these mental health facilities? How much will you have to pay for it? Are there duties for you in such an apartment?" I was like what the actual fuck. I am already planning to kill myself if I ever have to move to one of these apartments. I did not know about these plans at all. My mom pays for my apartment. So I got very anxious to be thrown out. The husband of my mom wants to throw me out all the time. I told my mom I think I cannot stomach college much longer and that I am too suicidal for it some weeks ago.
I tried to confront my mom with it. She told me we will talk later when you are at home. She would explain it to me. Well I got pretty angry. First I considered it might be a misunderstanding. But my sister deleted all the messages of today. She is such a stupid bitch. Deleting all the messages made it way more suspicious. I got pretty angry and insulted my mom for betraying me like that. Actually I don't have a confirmation yet but the situation is extremely scary. I insulted she very much and blamed her for the child abuse. I told her I kept quiet all the time about my torment in front of her to protect her because of her strokes and this is what I get paid back. I told her I gonna kill myself if they throw me out. But emphasized I am not acute suicide like 2-3 times just to save my ass. Just in case. I am pretty acute suicidal and I am already thinking how to do the fasting. She and her husband are not at home. I could imagine that she might have another stroke. To be honest it is not my fucking fault. This was the most stupid move these bitches could do on me. This is betrayal. The husband of my mom threatened me over a messenger I instantly blocked him.
Today in clinic I had a conversation with an extremely lazy doctor who obviously did not give a shit about my situation. This dude would be blamed. I could very well live with that. He would not give any fuck I am pretty sure about that. We talked about my plans for the future. And well it is all complete and utter dog shit.
The situation reminds me of the situation of a person I liked here on the forum who committed suicide shortly afterwards.
I feel sorry for my friends. Maybe my dad not my mom. If I kill myself I feel sorry for the other patients in the clinic. I hope there won't be a domino effect. I feel sorry for the people in my self-help group who had to listen to my tragic story. Also some staff members treated me very well.
My mom does not seem to return. Which increases the new stroke theory. To be honest my sister should be blamed. How can you be that stupid? And she can work in contrast to me. I envy that. If she has a new stroke this won't be good for our situation either.
There are still open questions. In case they really want me to go to a mental health facilitiy I am going to kill myself to 100%. I also told my mom that while emphasizing I am not acute suicidal. Lmao. I heard extreme horror stories about these mental health facilities. I have SN here at home. I also have all the other medication for a higher success rate. If my mom only wanted me to move to a cheaper normal apartment we could talk about that. But my sister mentioned a mental health facilitiy/ shared apartment. Holy shit. I won't do that. Never ever. If I kill myself they deserved the pain. Especially my mom.
The biggest problem would be the fasting. My antipsychotics are antiemetics I take them daily at 7 p.m. 8 hours fasting would mean I could kill myself at 3 a.m. I have big sleeping issues and usually wake up at 4 a.m. But if I already know I am going to kill myself the sleeping rhythm would be destroyed. I just ate something small at 5 p.m.. This would mean I could kill myself at 1 a.m. if I did not eat something from now. But I have to take my medication at 7 a.m. with much food otherwise I turn psychotic. Tomorrow will also be another day in the clinic. Gladly I have not told the doctor the substance I would take. He wanted to know that and I insisted I don't want to say that. He had to chuckle about it. My thought was if such a remark was written in a report they would have an antidote pretty early in case I took it. I could very well imagine my SI kicks in in the last seconds. My thought would be maybe to kill myself tomorrow at 4 a.m. but I don't think I could sleep much in case that was the plan. On the other hand I have A LOT of benzos and sleeping (z-) medication on here. It depends how determined I will be. On the other hand I could also kill myself at the weekend. It is very weird my mom and her husband are not at home. I could very well imagine another stroke. It would make my suicide just even more rational. I don't know fuck my life. Thanks that I am allowed to document which things drove me to commit suicide.
