Discussion How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

[JipJopMop]

How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

At times I definitely want to do it, at other times I am more on the fence.

How are things for you?

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I haven't experienced a single second where I wouldn't have accepted an instant death for the last five years.

 

[Trisolaris]

100% certain. I'm done. There's nothingness waiting for me except suffering.

 

[Imaginos]

I've been passively suicidal my whole life. For instance, I'd have no qualms about going to bed tonight and not waking up again. Heck, that'd be like winning the lottery as far as I'm concerned. I'd say it's been about 8/10 years at least where suicide, or just death in general, has been one of the most foremost thoughts in my mind. I can't recall experiencing a time where my wish for suicide ever wavered. As time goes on, and life beats me down harder and harder, my desires for death and release from this fleshly prison of flaws I call a body can only increase exponentially, further entrenching the certainty I've already long harbored on suicide. If I weren't such a gutless turd, I would've had my brains smushed on the train tracks long ago. Every year that passes where I don't kill myself, is a year I wish I had never needed to endure. One of my biggest fears, in fact, is that I'll never kill myself and that I still have an entire lifetime of suffering to endure through with no trapdoor out of it. If this is so, then the only regret I'll ever have in my entire existence is that I never managed to kill myself.

 

[Bazzinga]

The next time I'll be attempting I know it's going to be a sure shot, it's just a matter of a little time before it and then the suffering ends, I've never been able to accomplish anything in what I've tried doing in my life, I hope I get this one right atleast...

 

[Adamsnolife]

As it stands for me at the moment, it's definitely a certainty that I'll ctb. Just need the UK to be back to normal so I can arrange to do it.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm certain that my death at some point in life will be a suicide. I just don't know when.

 

[Belaya Noch]

I have almost no doubts, the only one is about the method. If I had a button on the back of my head that would turn me off instantly if pressed, I'd hit it like crazy.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I am completely done and know that I will be ctb at some point. Did have a plan for this month but something happened that I have to be support for.

 

[StringPuppet]

I definitely will, I just don't know when

 

[blackwidow92]

I think about it everyday and I'm certain I want do it and I have SN but I guess SI is stopping me, but if/when I get past that I will. If I had access to a gun I'm pretty sure I'd be gone already.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

i know that inevitably i will end my own life. i don't know when. i just take each day at a time but think it likely before this year is out unless something drastically changes in me

 

[Loser47]

Give me choice between all the money in the world being able to do anything and easy death I will still pick easy death.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've got my SN and it will be good for until next year which will likely be when all the shows, movies, and games I've wanted to experience will be completed by me.

At this point there is only one thing that will stop me from CTB'ing next year but it's so unlikely that that thing will happen. I estimate there's maybe a 1% chance that I find a girlfriend/future wife within the next year and that's giving me the benefit of the doubt in a lot of ways. Truthfully I think the odds are more like 0.001%.

 

[Bedrock48]

Mine wavers quite a bit although SI has a lot to blame in that. Those times being close to death thinking "Maybe life hurts less than death?". Then I get thrown back in the cycle to realise life sucks all over again.

I don't know if that desire to be dead will ever leave, its just a matter of if I'm ever able to do something about it.

 

[Leo]

100%

 

[booray]

I'm certain. Leaving the house this morning and going out into the world for the first time in weeks only confirmed that for me. I don't think that I'm very long for this world.

 

[Xdyzine]

A freaking million percent.

 

[AE2021]

100% sure that I will. When I will do it is the question. Just depends on how life unfolds from here.

 

[WornOutLife]

Let's say I'm 60% sure.
I'm trying to live but the desire to stay in this world will never be more than 40%.

 

[BandAddict]

I feel like I'll CTB for sure, but at an undetermined time. I definitely don't see myself dying naturally, so I'm betting on CTB or an accident.

 

[Symbiote]

I have my method in hand and a backup method in case, but I am determined to end my life sometime soon, not sure when. It'll be 10x better if my wife just flat out admits she hates me.

 

[Lost Magic]

I have been at my worst for about 3 years now. I honestly don't want to go through another full year of this bullshit. I just hope I have the courage and strength when the time comes.

 

[Sensei]

I know that my life will end in suicide. It may happen tonight or 30 years from now. It will probably happen 1-3 years from now.

 

[Wrennie]

If there were a button I could press that would instantly snuff out my existence (like the button provided by Pegasos that floods IV Nembutal into your veins) then I'd be long gone by now. I want to die, it's just that my barriers are the prospect of failure and being left even worse off than I am now in the physical department. If I fail at SN (which I do have accessible to me) the hypoxia is likely to exacerbate my pre-existing nerve damage (as opposed to in a healthy individual) and then I'll be sectioned and forced to relive my PTSD from my first attempt in addition to dealing with my excruciating nerve pain (which I know from past experience that orderlies aren't remotely sympathetic to.)

I actually think the ultimate goal behind "sectioning" someone isn't to help them, it's to traumatize them badly enough that they won't dare risk attempting suicide again for fear of being re-subjected to the same horrific experience.

 

[Addi_Madd]

Very. What's stopping me are two things:

1. the pain it would cause my mother and sister, who are the only two people who care about me and love me enough that I rank in their top 5 loved ones. Everyone else who cares about me are friends and family who like me well enough and would be a bit sad if I died, but they have their own inner circles of family and loved ones.

2. the thought of the shame of whoever has to deal with the legal and admin and financial fallout (ie my mother) finding out what a financial disaster my life is and the lies I've been living.

 

[Ame]

My SN arrived in the post this morning. After a rushed attempt to stow away my parcel in my room, I was cornered by father who gently "interrogated" me. He asked me about what I had ordered (I lied I'm so sorry, Dad) and said that I was making him nervous with how suspiciously I have been acting recently. There was a spike of anxiety (and some guilt), but over the day it gradually receded and laid bare a sadness that felt like it extended in all directions, toward some infinity. Still, the guilt didn't spark any hope or doubts and my intentions did not shift. The ugly truth of it all is: I have run out of delusions and living for others can only take one so far.

That is not to say that I am not sorry and that I don't wish that I wanted to live -- because truly I am and I really do. Nor do I believe that I will be "dying in peace" because I know what I am doing will hurt those I am leaving behind and that there is nothing to be gained in death. It is impossible to produce something from nothing and all things become as if they never were. That is the tragedy of life.

In a string of PMs with another member here, I described my view as something like this: I feel rotten. Sort of like when an actor finds himself still standing on an empty stage when the curtains have already fallen and the audience has long since left the theatre. Why is he still standing there? It isn't that I find life particularly unbearable or ugly (on the contrary, there are many beautiful things to be found), it is just that I don't have much of an appetite for it. I suppose that if people existed on planes, I somehow fell off the one that everyone else occupied. I can still see everyone moving about in their lives but cannot quite make contact. Those things and milestones that drive people onward meant nothing to me anymore. I asked myself how I could combat the absurd and failed to produce a solution. To be more concise, I am lacking the raison d'être and it isn't all that great existing as a ghost.

I have very good reason to believe that I am going to kill myself, if only because am choosing to.

 

[CallOfTheVoid112]

How certain are you in your desire to ctb?

At times I definitely want to do it, at other times I am more on the fence.

How are things for you?

Id say i am 100% certain i am tired of living, 100% i want to be with my love ones in afterlife. 100% feeling guilty though about the aftershock and grief love ones (may) feel/experience; them and possible afterlife retribution are the only things 'holding me back', so to speak. But this tug-a-rope is tiring my soul, and i just don't feel I have it in me anymore to balance the two. : - ' (

 

[TessB]

100%. The idea of death just taking me when it wants to, old or ill is completely unimaginable.. just no.

 

[Shades of Grey]

I'm positive. I spent 18 years knowing that this was what I wanted, living for someone else. He is gone now. My work here is done.

What I am trying to decide is whether I do it in the immediate future, or try to stick it out one more month so that I can die on his birthday. Part of me likes the idea of "sharing" that date in some capacity forever. (Which probably sounds weird, but whatever.) Part of me doesn't think that I can wait that long. That part of me will probably win out.