MiMif
I do not live for others to understand me...
- Sep 13, 2023
- 687
There's a lurking hunger that lingers underneath the surface…no matter how much time passes. Sometimes, it's loud, sometimes quiet, but it's always there lurking…as if it's always been part of me. Maybe it always has been, to be honest. I don't remember. It's been there for as long as I can remember, but my memories have never been the greatest in the first place.
A hunger for destruction and chaos, perhaps… self-harm and the harm of others. Death, pain…hurt, my desire for it is always there, no matter how I ignore it. The thought of how lovely it'd be to have blood gushing out like before from a self-inflicted wound. The idea of someone else giving me the cut excites me even more to the point it scares me sometimes. It's off-putting that these desires are ingrained in me. I imagine someone putting their hands around my throat and squeezing, and I'm met with nothing but delight.
Someone is taking a sharp knife and slowly, mercilessly gliding it down my skin deeper and deeper. Someone nonhesitantly plunging a knife into my stomach….I imagine the ache I would feel there….I imagine it would hurt a great deal, yet strangely, I yearn for it.
These thoughts…I wonder why they don't disappear. However, even more than that…the real taboo thoughts are the desires that spring up in me wanting to inflict harm on someone else. Cut them mercilessly….stomp on them…make them scream in pain, and even as they do not stop. These thoughts are taboo, and I try my best to block them out, yet they remain…like a stain.
I want people to despise me…to hate, to loathe me. I want them to hit me and cut me and scorn me and call me disgusting and kick me out….yet at the same time I want people to embrace me and say they like me. Maybe I'm weird…or maybe everyone feels like this and just doesn't say it. The desires have gotten more manageable, though the more time passes…but they are still there like a stain that won't get out no matter how many times I tell my mind it's wrong. I still desire it.
I desire to feel fear…a fear I won't be able to escape, yet at the same time, I loathe the thought of it. I find myself running away before letting it embrace me….
I yearn for a sharp blade against my skin, followed merciless deep strike as it slides into me, leaving me with a big gash. I long for the blood that comes flowing out unstopping….It's pure ecstasy.
I want people to be mercilessly cruel to me…It's so strange how I enjoy those harsh words….disgusting. I feel a strange sense of happiness when people are mean to me and almost appear to hate me, but at the same time, another part of me feels lonely and sad. I want to be accepted and rejected by humans at the same time…I want to be alone and unloved, but at the same time crave affection and warmth. Yet once I get affection, I grow tired of it easily and always ruin it.
A hunger for destruction and chaos, perhaps… self-harm and the harm of others. Death, pain…hurt, my desire for it is always there, no matter how I ignore it. The thought of how lovely it'd be to have blood gushing out like before from a self-inflicted wound. The idea of someone else giving me the cut excites me even more to the point it scares me sometimes. It's off-putting that these desires are ingrained in me. I imagine someone putting their hands around my throat and squeezing, and I'm met with nothing but delight.
Someone is taking a sharp knife and slowly, mercilessly gliding it down my skin deeper and deeper. Someone nonhesitantly plunging a knife into my stomach….I imagine the ache I would feel there….I imagine it would hurt a great deal, yet strangely, I yearn for it.
These thoughts…I wonder why they don't disappear. However, even more than that…the real taboo thoughts are the desires that spring up in me wanting to inflict harm on someone else. Cut them mercilessly….stomp on them…make them scream in pain, and even as they do not stop. These thoughts are taboo, and I try my best to block them out, yet they remain…like a stain.
I want people to despise me…to hate, to loathe me. I want them to hit me and cut me and scorn me and call me disgusting and kick me out….yet at the same time I want people to embrace me and say they like me. Maybe I'm weird…or maybe everyone feels like this and just doesn't say it. The desires have gotten more manageable, though the more time passes…but they are still there like a stain that won't get out no matter how many times I tell my mind it's wrong. I still desire it.
I desire to feel fear…a fear I won't be able to escape, yet at the same time, I loathe the thought of it. I find myself running away before letting it embrace me….
I yearn for a sharp blade against my skin, followed merciless deep strike as it slides into me, leaving me with a big gash. I long for the blood that comes flowing out unstopping….It's pure ecstasy.
I want people to be mercilessly cruel to me…It's so strange how I enjoy those harsh words….disgusting. I feel a strange sense of happiness when people are mean to me and almost appear to hate me, but at the same time, another part of me feels lonely and sad. I want to be accepted and rejected by humans at the same time…I want to be alone and unloved, but at the same time crave affection and warmth. Yet once I get affection, I grow tired of it easily and always ruin it.
