Help how can I understand myself better?

[ecmnesia]

i am cornered, torn between ctb, leaving everything behind and my attachment to the life I've built and been used to. i keep fluctuating about ctb, cause i can't find a decent path to trace and i am not mentally ok, so that surely doesn't help.

i lack familiar, professional and friends help. i need to understand myself better so I can choose what it is that I really want to do from now on.

i know therapy and medication are the usually recommended options, but as of now, i trust no one to rely on it, and i also lack money.

how can I understand myself? a part of me wants to recover, but not in the terms of my previous life. I'd rather die than keep at it, still at the same time I can't find the strength to let go.

 

[puppy9]

Someone please answer this you'll help me too. I'm in the same situation.

 

[Deleted member 94]

Make lists of the good things about you and refer to it often carry it around if you must. Make a list of the bad things about you and work on those things until they transfer over to the good things list.

Determine your reasons for ctb and if these obstacles can be removed if not today then tomorrow,next week, next month or even next year. Patience is a good trait to have which I found most people I know lack.

 

[Nymph]

Make a bucket list of all the things u wanna do in the future and maybe you'll become motivated to live so you can those things? I'm not sure tho

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I can recommend a book that pulled me through a tough time. Somebody's husband at my workplace committed suicide and I was the last person to talk to the guy because she wasn't available (I had to tell him him she was in the washroom). It was very difficult time for me because I thought it was a "sign" for me to exit but this book helped. PM me and I'll send you a link. I don't want to add controversy to this thread or imply that it's anti-choice or pro-life or whatever. Just so you don't freak out, it's just an art therapy book.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Make lists of the good things about you and refer to it often carry it around if you must. Make a list of the bad things about you and work on those things until they transfer over to the good things list.

something like this ^
i was going to say it earlier but the way i went through it i do not advise and it only made me worse. i developed dissociation so i spent all my time in my head for months. spending all that time with yourself (even with others around) you have no choice but to learn about yourself, however this has developed other problems. im not "suicidal" anymore but im still living in a hell i want out of. my advice is what @readytogo said but tread carefully and do not obsess over it.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Do ayahusca if you want to understand yourself better.

 

[Kat!]

You definitely need some time to yourself, if you haven't already had that.
Knowing what you are in control of, and differentiating that from what you aren't helps as well.

I sometimes like to bring ideas and projects on the table for myself. I usually get depressed when I have nothing to work on.

 

[Deleted member 94]

You definitely need some time to yourself, if you haven't already had that.
Knowing what you are in control of, and differentiating that from what you aren't helps as well.

I sometimes like to bring ideas and projects on the table for myself. I usually get depressed when I have nothing to work on.

Idle brain is the worst enemy, engaged brain is the way to get out of its clutches. In Catholicism they have a saying that idle hands do the devil's work.

 

[Good4Nothing]

In Catholicism they have a saying that idle hands do the devil's work.

That's referring specifically to masturbation. I get your point, though.

 

[Deleted member 94]

I didn't know that the Bible has a thing against maturbation, I know that the churches liken it to the story of Onan but that's different interpretation in my view he was just a dude who removed his junk before ejaculating, but still had full blown sex with his dead brother's wife. He was condemned for doing that and churches put a spin on that mythology to call it masturbation. I would love it if my masturbation was similar to Onan's minus the incest.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I didn't know that the Bible has a thing against maturbation, I know that the churches liken it to the story of Onan but that's different interpretation in my view he was just a dude who removed his junk before ejaculating, but still had full blown sex with his dead brother's wife. He was condemned for doing that and churches put a spin on that mythology to call it masturbation. I would love it if my masturbation was similar to Onan's minus the incest.

I've never heard that story before.
I was raised Catholic, and the bullshit they filled my head with regarding sex and sexuality was a mind-fuck that pretty much ruined my life.

 

[Deleted member 94]

I've never heard that story before.
I was raised Catholic, and the bullshit they filled my head with regarding sex and sexuality was a mind-fuck that pretty much ruined my life.

Read it on Wikipedia. Yes churches and religions are the work of crazy people in my view, they are so detached from reality that they should be treated for delusions by doctors but because they are powerful they get to do whatever they like.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Read it on Wikipedia. Yes churches and religions are the work of crazy people in my view, they are so detached from reality that they should be treated for delusions by doctors but because they are powerful they get to do whatever they like.

My feelings exactly.

 

[puppy9]

I've never heard that story before.
I was raised Catholic, and the bullshit they filled my head with regarding sex and sexuality was a mind-fuck that pretty much ruined my life.

Yeah religion ruined my view on sex. Now I'm uncomfortable by it due to religion.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I didn't know that the Bible has a thing against maturbation, I know that the churches liken it to the story of Onan but that's different interpretation in my view he was just a dude who removed his junk before ejaculating, but still had full blown sex with his dead brother's wife. He was condemned for doing that and churches put a spin on that mythology to call it masturbation.

Under jewish law a man is to take his brothers wife as his own if he dies and he disobeyed the law which is the whole point of the story.
There is nothing wrong with fap only if you look at porn of humans.
Catholic church does not follow the bible anyway

 

[Deleted member 94]

That's the thing about religion one will tell you to go this way and another that way they are so at odds with eachother and contradictory why would god/Vishnu/Kami tell one guy to do this and another guy faced with the same circumstances to do the opposite. My colleagues always told me because there are scientific untruths in the texts they believed the books were written by men not god. I now believe this. My religion was Hinduism and I consider it to be mythological.

 

[Life sucks]

Don't blame yourself and free yourself from the chains and the indoctrination made by society and other people. You are what you want to be and not what they want you to be.

 

[Deleted member 94]

Don't blame yourself and free yourself from the chains and the indoctrination made by society and other people. You are what you want to be and not what they want you to be.

Thank you.

 

[Sensei]

i am cornered, torn between ctb, leaving everything behind and my attachment to the life I've built and been used to. i keep fluctuating about ctb, cause i can't find a decent path to trace and i am not mentally ok, so that surely doesn't help.

i lack familiar, professional and friends help. i need to understand myself better so I can choose what it is that I really want to do from now on.

i know therapy and medication are the usually recommended options, but as of now, i trust no one to rely on it, and i also lack money.

how can I understand myself? a part of me wants to recover, but not in the terms of my previous life. I'd rather die than keep at it, still at the same time I can't find the strength to let go.

Have you tried meditation? It may sound like mumbo jumbo, but it has really helped me understand both myself and the world better.

 

[ecmnesia]

Have you tried meditation? It may sound like mumbo jumbo, but it has really helped me understand both myself and the world better.

i haven't. i tried looking into it, but there are just some many things on the internet i don't know where to start and which to trust.

would you mind recommending a book/video/whatever to begin with?

 

[Sensei]

i haven't. i tried looking into it, but there are just some many things on the internet i don't know where to start and which to trust.

would you mind recommending a book/video/whatever to begin with?

I come from the Zen tradition in which meditation is called zazen. There's nothing mystical about it, really. You learn how to sit, breath, and empty your mind, and then the rest follows "by itself". Here's a good instructional video:

 

[darksideofthebright]

One thing that I think helped me understand myself and my thought process better has been journaling. I know it takes a lot of effort because it can be time-consuming, so how about if you have time and energy, try to make a mind-map with your biggest issues - wanting to ctb - in the middle and smaller issues around it and how you view them?

One thing that I have to deal with a lot is people thinking that I'm mentally too impaired to make my own decisions or I'm just too in the midst of a dark place to see further, so by doing those things, I provide myself and others a reason for everything they are bringing up. When you have difficulty with the mind-map/journaling, you know I'm around. Hope things start to get off your back soon. You're having to carry so much for so long.

 

[ecmnesia]

I come from the Zen tradition in which meditation is called zazen. There's nothing mystical about it, really. You learn how to sit, breath, and empty your mind, and then the rest follows "by itself". Here's a good instructional video:

thanks!

One thing that I think helped me understand myself and my thought process better has been journaling. I know it takes a lot of effort because it can be time-consuming, so how about if you have time and energy, try to make a mind-map with your biggest issues - wanting to ctb - in the middle and smaller issues around it and how you view them?

One thing that I have to deal with a lot is people thinking that I'm mentally too impaired to make my own decisions or I'm just too in the midst of a dark place to see further, so by doing those things, I provide myself and others a reason for everything they are bringing up. When you have difficulty with the mind-map/journaling, you know I'm around. Hope things start to get off your back soon. You're having to carry so much for so long.

that's an awesome ideia to be honest. i have a lot of trouble sorting out things in my head, and just like it helps at school, maybe that could help me here as well.

i can relate to your problem, sadly. to the point where I can't stop questioning myself of it too. i can't say for a fact that you are in your right mind, i just know the one you show in here, but this one version, tho, seems to know pretty much what's going on, so yeah, hope that can be of any assistance. thanks anyway, i do appreciate your words

 

[sarahR]

All that you wrote looks like my life to a T. I've tried everything to get better. Even silly things therapists recommend I don't even dare to say as it's embarrassing. Like screaming in the front of the mirror for 10 seconds each day. Insane stuff... the holidays are here and this year specially I don't even wanna be part of anything related to Christmas. I'm completely dissociated from everything and everyone.

 

[SanJunipero1]

Reading books and articles, listening to podcasts, basically borderline studying psychology myself after being failed so miserably by the system.
I also find writing to be incredibly therapeutic and it gives me a good sense of where my heads at. I keep notes on my phone, write down any thoughts or feelings I have. I personally then use those to do creative writing about my story but you could use it to try and explore yourself better.

 

[kitch]

Make lists of the good things about you and refer to it often carry it around if you must. Make a list of the bad things about you and work on those things until they transfer over to the good things list.

Determine your reasons for ctb and if these obstacles can be removed if not today then tomorrow,next week, next month or even next year. Patience is a good trait to have which I found most people I know lack.

I took a screenshot of this , I liked it so much . Thanks .

 

[DocNo]

after trying to solve it on my own for 20 years, since i registered here two months ago and talked a lot about my stuff here, i learned that there seem to be corners of myself i can't look and need an outside view.

did therapy a few years ago, but did just lead to the point where i gave up on myself completely for the first time in my life and got really close to ctb for the first time.

opening up here and getting partly into intense conversations with people who struggle in similar ways has opened a lot of doors.
as it seems that i was never able to handle my emotions which led to shutting them away for over 20 years, a lot comes to the surface now.
it's partly not easy and sometimes it gets now harder to fall asleep and also more often i have this unpleasant fearful feeling in my stomach but at the same time i also can cry sometimes and let it break out. one thing which was really hard three months ago when i was also close to ctb, that i wasn't even able to cry and this sadness was trapped inside me.

and to come to the point of self unterstanding. this new perspectives also show me a bit better who i am cause i also know that it never really knew who i am and never learned to accept myself the way i am.

in the manic part of my youth where i behaved a lot like a douche i attracted a lot of people cause i just behaved more naturally. later when i realized that this is not a good way to treat others and fell into depression i tried more and more to fit in, comfort others and deny myself.

now, starting the first time since then to just be more me again (without the douchebag behaviour ^^), it also leads to more new contacts.
and new contacts increase the chance to maybe find somebody which can be some mirror for you or give you in other ways insights about yourself.

don't know - i guess it's ok to sometimes also be a bit annoying but i guess it's healthier to be just yourself than always trying to be a shapeless nothing cause it just leads to self-denial. and it seems to be easier than often expected to lie to yourself and hide things from yourself which then leads to the feeling not knowing and understanding yourself.

in the end we are all just stupid humans who sometimes also fuck up. i also have to learn that it's ok to fuck up and just go on. since i learned recently that i seem to be a drama queen, i sometimes tend to create in my mind problems with the size of impassable mountains. this feeling often dragged me in deep holes in the times where i was all on myself. now expressing this things to people i feel close it gets more clear that it's mostly just an "illusion" and nearly nothing is that big that it destroys you. it might hurt you but i guess this hurting also creates character.

don't know. some of that stuff is pretty new and fresh for me. i am still not sure if it will work out or if i did too much damage for too long to myself. but i guess i will find out and see where this strange road leads me.

got a bit long and maybe also sometimes a bit offtopic - but maybe some fragments of it are helpful.

edit: @Sensei thanx for the meditation link - i give it a look. maybe also helpful for my migraine headaches which i also try to ease sometimes with my own meditative way of emptying my mind.

 

[kitch]

I'm 56 , lifetme alcoholic , sober (mostly ) five years .

I only recently slotted my shit into one phrase ?

"Emotionally Distraught"

My culture didn't even allow me to acknowlege / accept / work on this stuff .
(Partly because therapists couldn't penetrate my ingrained "coping" (looking and sounding OK and not rocking the boat and only passively harming myself )camouflage that I had integrated into my personality since childhood.)

Crazy .

That was the major hole in my boat , attached to a bunch of shit , but just to nail that clarity . To DEFINE it , to KNOW that I spin out 'emotionally' and that upsets EVERYTHING and no amount of thinking , while distraught (out of control) can help . All the breathing , calming oneself down ... really helpful
I just hope I can hang onto that awareness, with some helpful processes , when I'm out and about in the world I have run away from .

 

[DocNo]

I'm 56 , lifetme alcoholic , sober (mostly ) five years .

I only recently slotted my shit into one phrase ?

"Emotionally Distraught"

My culture didn't even allow me to acknowlege / accept / work on this stuff .
(Partly because therapists couldn't penetrate my ingrained "coping" (looking and sounding OK and not rocking the boat and only passively harming myself )camouflage that I had integrated into my personality since childhood.)

Crazy .

That was the major hole in my boat , attached to a bunch of shit , but just to nail that clarity . To DEFINE it , to KNOW that I spin out 'emotionally' and that upsets EVERYTHING and no amount of thinking , while distraught (out of control) can help . All the breathing , calming oneself down ... really helpful
I just hope I can hang onto that awareness, with some helpful processes , when I'm out and about in the world I have run away from .

in my culture and surrounding it wouldn't have been a problem but seems that i have since childhood the feeling that i am on my own and nobody is there to help me which did lead to this "i have to solve everything on my own" mentality. the deeper reasons behind this are a bit too much to explain here now. i guess i just noticed very early as a kid that the family enviroment i grew up are themselves much too depressed and unable to help themselves - which i realized rationally in my adulthood but seems i also instinctively realized it as a child.

never had to fight addiction but my reduced life concept not being able to let anybody close to me created in the last years this image in my head that i have built up a labyrinth of my mind/myself and don't have a tiny clue where to go.