Story I am proof that for some people, things really never do get better. A reflection on 3 decades of suffering.

[Cinnamorolls]

Of course, we have all heard these platitudes. Things will get better, you just need to give it time! Don't give up, keep pushing forward and give life a chance to improve! Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems!

At 14, I had my first suicidal feelings. I had spent my childhood being beaten to a pulp every day by the one parent present, and berated by the rest of the family. At school, I was bullied mercilessly. I never had any friends. I confided to my mom that I had this constant feeling of wanting to die. She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and that I just wanted attention.

I did not kill myself. I convinced myself that things would get better. Once I got out of that household and my hometown, it would be better. "A change of scenery is all I need!"

By 24, I was broken. Moving away from home for college had only made things worse. My depression hit levels I didn't know were possible, and I ended up dropping out and having to move back home. At this point, my mom had outright told me many times that I should go ahead and kill myself.

Again, I did not kill myself. Again, I convinced myself that things would get better. I just needed to go back and finish college, and find a good job where I was appreciated. I needed to start dating, and then I would have a boyfriend who loves and cherishes me, and we could build a happy life together. "Things are going to start going right for me and it'll turn out great!"

Now at 34, I have been sexually abused, physically assaulted, and emotionally torn into pieces by various men. I finished my degree long ago, yet could never keep stable employment. I jumped around to new jobs every couple years because I was always treated as worthless and disposable, and most coworkers never even knew my name. I moved out of my family's home many years ago and cut off contact, yet that made no difference. I have taken basically every medication possible for depression. I have done TMS and ECT. I have gone to therapy.

I have no family, friends, or partner. I have never felt the love of another person, since not even my own parents loved me. I never felt valued or appreciated in any area of life, not even at work. I am in a unique position in life where literally no one would care if I was dead. No one would be sad or inconvenienced.

My current work contract has a couple months left on it. Unlikely to be renewed. I have a meager amount of emergency savings to keep me afloat until December no matter what. But I don't feel like I have the strength to look for yet another job. What is the point? My life is an endless cycle of wake up, work, come home, eat, mindlessly watch some hours of TV, go to sleep. Every day, the same thing. There is no fun, no joy, no love.

Things did not ever get better, and I can truthfully say I have no reason to live. If there was one thing, just one positive thing in my life, it might be worth living. How I desperately wish there was.

I would not say that I actively wish to die. I want to live a happy, fulfilling life... and I have tried to accomplish that for so long now. I worked hard, I pushed myself forward, and I did not give up. Rather, it is life itself that has given me no other choice. I can continue through a pointless, lonely existence that goes in circles, as I have for decades now... or I can just stop. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading.

 

[divinemistress36]

36 and I feel this so much . In fact 30s have been the worst. How many sessions of ECT did you do ?

 

[BardBarrie]

Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm sorry life has been this way to you.

If everyone were given a magic button to press to instantly, painlessly kill them — I honestly wonder how many would press it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Life never got better for me, either. I've been waiting on "better", whatever that means, for decades, also. I did have family that cared about me, though, but they all passed away, so, I too, find myself in the surreal position of having no one who loves me, or who would care if I die. I'm sorry, OP, you find yourself in this position. The sad truth is that life just doesn't work out for everyone, no matter how hard one tries. Maybe it's some kind of "cosmic balancing act" whereby there needs to be an equal amount of people who don't make it in order to keep the scale balanced with number of people who do make it?????? I don't really know, and at this point in my life, I really don't even care about the "whys" anymore.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I think your 30s is a good time to decide if continuing to live is something you truly want to do. When you hit your 30s, you no longer have youth hormones to compensate for and offset the balance whatever neurological or physical disabilities you have. It's why things like Schizophrenia and autoimmune diseases like Lupus completely devour a person from their late 20s into their 30s. Platitudes like "it gets better" are lines written by people who are saturated in both privilege and idiocy - but even if it takes 80 years, they will face Hell one day.

It's important you know that CTB is a valid choice, no matter what your reasons are, and you have stuck it out for 34 years. I can tell you from experience, as a 35 year old that losing my youth hormones has made me deteriorate very rapidly. Granted, I have multiple disabilities so that was destined to be the case with scientific certainty, but your 30s tend to bring you nothing that helps you.

I thank you for sharing your story and hope you find a wealth of information on this forum as far as methods go. Lord knows, if I didn't find this forum, I probably would have made a stupid mistake in pursuit of CTBing and had a failed attempt!

I hope you find peace no matter what choice you make.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

36 and I feel this so much . In fact 30s have been the worst. How many sessions of ECT did you do ?

I'm so sorry you are in a similar boat. I have done 3 courses of ECT, 12 sessions each, so 36 total. It is proven to be a much more effective treatment than medications or TMS. However, the catch is that most people relapse from it within 6 months, and you have to keep going back to get another course done. It's hard on both the body and mind, and by the 3rd course, I was having panic attacks every time they wheeled me into the treatment room. But I would still encourage people to give it a try as a last resort. If they are the resilient type and don't mind having to go back for treatment every 6 months, it could be very helpful.

Life never got better for me, either. I've been waiting on "better", whatever that means, for decades, also. I did have family that cared about me, though, but they all passed away, so, I too, find myself in the surreal position of having no one who loves me, or who would care if I die. I'm sorry, OP, you find yourself in this position. The sad truth is that life just doesn't work out for everyone, no matter how hard one tries. Maybe it's some kind of "cosmic balancing act" whereby there needs to be an equal amount of people who don't make it in order to keep the scale balanced with number of people who do make it?????? I don't really know, and at this point in my life, I really don't even care about the "whys" anymore.

Sorry for your loss. I imagine the only thing worse than never having something, is to have had it at one point and then lost it. Your theory reminds me of the short story The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, where the happiness of many is dependent on the constant suffering of a few. It's as good a theory as any. As you said, we will never really know.

I think your 30s is a good time to decide if continuing to live is something you truly want to do. When you hit your 30s, you no longer have youth hormones to compensate for and offset the balance whatever neurological or physical disabilities you have. It's why things like Schizophrenia and autoimmune diseases like Lupus completely devour a person from their late 20s into their 30s. Platitudes like "it gets better" are lines written by people who are saturated in both privilege and idiocy - but even if it takes 80 years, they will face Hell one day.

It's important you know that CTB is a valid choice, no matter what your reasons are, and you have stuck it out for 34 years. I can tell you from experience, as a 35 year old that losing my youth hormones has made me deteriorate very rapidly. Granted, I have multiple disabilities so that was destined to be the case with scientific certainty, but your 30s tend to bring you nothing that helps you.

I thank you for sharing your story and hope you find a wealth of information on this forum as far as methods go. Lord knows, if I didn't find this forum, I probably would have made a stupid mistake in pursuit of CTBing and had a failed attempt!

I hope you find peace no matter what choice you make.

Yes, exactly. I understand the urge people have to tell a very young person that it will get better, since they haven't really lived much of life yet. But for older people, it feels like a delusional claim to make. The hope tank has to start running low at some point. I hope you find peace as well.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm so sorry you are in a similar boat. I have done 3 courses of ECT, 12 sessions each, so 36 total. It is proven to be a much more effective treatment than medications or TMS. However, the catch is that most people relapse from it within 6 months, and you have to keep going back to get another course done. It's hard on both the body and mind, and by the 3rd course, I was having panic attacks every time they wheeled me into the treatment room. But I would still encourage people to give it a try as a last resort. If they are the resilient type and don't mind having to go back for treatment every 6 months, it could be very helpful.


Sorry for your loss. I imagine the only thing worse than never having something, is to have had it at one point and then lost it. Your theory reminds me of the short story The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, where the happiness of many is dependent on the constant suffering of a few. It's as good a theory as any. As you said, we will never really know.


Yes, exactly. I understand the urge people have to tell a very young person that it will get better, since they haven't really lived much of life yet. But for older people, it feels like a delusional claim to make. The hope tank has to start running low at some point. I hope you find peace as well.

I did 19 treatments it was so not worth all the permanent memory loss for temporary relief

 

[Disappointered]

It's a common question and the answer in my opinion is "no, it most likely won't get better and it will probably even get worse". I am also an example of an older suicidal person who was suicidal from an early age. It just got worse with time. I hope to be able to find a peaceful way to stop whatever this is but having wanted to for decades means that if I'm still here I can't even succeed at that either.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Of course, we have all heard these platitudes. Things will get better, you just need to give it time! Don't give up, keep pushing forward and give life a chance to improve! Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems!

At 14, I had my first suicidal feelings. I had spent my childhood being beaten to a pulp every day by the one parent present, and berated by the rest of the family. At school, I was bullied mercilessly. I never had any friends. I confided to my mom that I had this constant feeling of wanting to die. She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and that I just wanted attention.

I did not kill myself. I convinced myself that things would get better. Once I got out of that household and my hometown, it would be better. "A change of scenery is all I need!"

By 24, I was broken. Moving away from home for college had only made things worse. My depression hit levels I didn't know were possible, and I ended up dropping out and having to move back home. At this point, my mom had outright told me many times that I should go ahead and kill myself.

Again, I did not kill myself. Again, I convinced myself that things would get better. I just needed to go back and finish college, and find a good job where I was appreciated. I needed to start dating, and then I would have a boyfriend who loves and cherishes me, and we could build a happy life together. "Things are going to start going right for me and it'll turn out great!"

Now at 34, I have been sexually abused, physically assaulted, and emotionally torn into pieces by various men. I finished my degree long ago, yet could never keep stable employment. I jumped around to new jobs every couple years because I was always treated as worthless and disposable, and most coworkers never even knew my name. I moved out of my family's home many years ago and cut off contact, yet that made no difference. I have taken basically every medication possible for depression. I have done TMS and ECT. I have gone to therapy.

I have no family, friends, or partner. I have never felt the love of another person, since not even my own parents loved me. I never felt valued or appreciated in any area of life, not even at work. I am in a unique position in life where literally no one would care if I was dead. No one would be sad or inconvenienced.

My current work contract has a couple months left on it. Unlikely to be renewed. I have a meager amount of emergency savings to keep me afloat until December no matter what. But I don't feel like I have the strength to look for yet another job. What is the point? My life is an endless cycle of wake up, work, come home, eat, mindlessly watch some hours of TV, go to sleep. Every day, the same thing. There is no fun, no joy, no love.

Things did not ever get better, and I can truthfully say I have no reason to live. If there was one thing, just one positive thing in my life, it might be worth living. How I desperately wish there was.

I would not say that I actively wish to die. I want to live a happy, fulfilling life... and I have tried to accomplish that for so long now. I worked hard, I pushed myself forward, and I did not give up. Rather, it is life itself that has given me no other choice. I can continue through a pointless, lonely existence that goes in circles, as I have for decades now... or I can just stop. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading.

Have you tried Auvelity, Spravato, or ketamine?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry u have to go through this. Life is often so unfair. It's horrible when people who don't actively want to die are forced to consider CTB bc of unbearable and unsolvable life-circumstances. I can relate to that.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I did 19 treatments it was so not worth all the permanent memory loss for temporary relief

Ironically enough, the potential memory loss was a draw for me. I was hoping I would have a lot of it happen, as nothing in my life is worth remembering. Sadly, did not have the slightest bit of memory loss even after 36 treatments at full strength. I imagine it's terrible for people who didn't want to lose memories, though.

It's a common question and the answer in my opinion is "no, it most likely won't get better and it will probably even get worse". I am also an example of an older suicidal person who was suicidal from an early age. It just got worse with time. I hope to be able to find a peaceful way to stop whatever this is but having wanted to for decades means that if I'm still here I can't even succeed at that either.

I think the hardest part is knowing that there is no peaceful way. Everything requires that you have a certain amount of mental fortitude to go through with it and it's likely that it will take at least a few minutes to actually die, if not longer, which could be full of pain and panicking.

Have you tried Auvelity, Spravato, or ketamine?

I have been on bupropion before, yes. Spravato and Ketamine has been recommended to me by providers but both require having someone to release you to/drive you home, and I don't have anyone. They also seem very time-consuming. From what I've seen from the clinics around here, you have to stay there for hours with each weekly/biweekly treatment, and it's ongoing instead of being limited to a few weeks like ECT. Did you have luck with any of these?

 

[Ironborn]

37 here, it never got better for me either and has only got worse as I got older.
I am a believer in karma and balance, every blessed life has a cursed one to balance it out.
Maybe we were cursed because we're the only ones strong enough to bear it for any useful amount of time.
I've seen people with perfect lives hit one bump in the road and fall apart completely.
Meanwhile I'm fighting with alcoholism, isolation, anxiety, depression, physical pain.
Everyone here has their own demons and battles.
Most ordinary people wouldn't last a week in our shoes and some of us have been fighting for decades
Whether you live one more day or ten more years you will have faced more than others do in a lifetime.
Be proud of that.
And if you do decide to call time on it, all I can say is, good luck and safe travels, I'll see you on the other side friends.

 

[rokonie]

This was very informative to read, thank you for sharing your story and I wish there was more I could do besides send you internet hugs. I also thought this would all be behind me by the end of my teen years, but now im in my 20's and afraid that it'll stay this way by the time I reach 30.
It sounds like people have let you down time and time again. "She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and that I just wanted attention" Gee it's almost like it's a human thing to want people to care about your?? I hate this sentiment coming from people who have never felt this way. Being bullied, abused, and going through all of it alone obviously will drive anyone to a dark place and I hate how wanting someone to care is seen as something shameful.
I've never been interested in a relationship because it often seems like more people are horrible than good. I'm sorry to hear there were so many ppl who took advantage of you. If there was some way to completely remove my need for friends and deep connections, I would press it in a heartbeat. I think i'd feel a lot less suicidal if i stopped trying to reach out and get hurt in return.
Fwiw it's incredibly strong of you to still be here despite all you've been through. Things might not get better, or things might, but you sound like you have the strength to hold on to see if it does.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Ironically enough, the potential memory loss was a draw for me. I was hoping I would have a lot of it happen, as nothing in my life is worth remembering. Sadly, did not have the slightest bit of memory loss even after 36 treatments at full strength. I imagine it's terrible for people who didn't want to lose memories, though.

I think the hardest part is knowing that there is no peaceful way. Everything requires that you have a certain amount of mental fortitude to go through with it and it's likely that it will take at least a few minutes to actually die, if not longer, which could be full of pain and panicking.

I have been on bupropion before, yes. Spravato and Ketamine has been recommended to me by providers but both require having someone to release you to/drive you home, and I don't have anyone. They also seem very time-consuming. From what I've seen from the clinics around here, you have to stay there for hours with each weekly/biweekly treatment, and it's ongoing instead of being limited to a few weeks like ECT. Did you have luck with any of these?

I might have, but I had a horrible event happen and that just like, there's no coming back from it. So any "progress" I had or could've had, sorted dissipated and then disappeared. I dont know if you have medicaid, but I do and they have a ride service. Some clinics have a ride service or will give bus tokens. You'd be well enough to take a bus. Don't know if you could pay an elderly neighbor a small fee for taking you. At the beginning it was pretty spalike to be honest. They try to make you comfortable with low light and a recliner. I recommend it. I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but a lot of old memories that were "gone" started to come back. I could go on and on about this. It was easy getting into the program. Think it was a wait before my first treatment. You go twice a week for like 3mo and it's up to you how often you want to go back. I have my own physical issues that literally tore me up and made it hell, and I was never in a great position to go in the first place. But mine is an exception. Ketamine isn't covered by insurance that I know of because it's not cleared for depression treatment whereas Spravato is. Spravato is a spray. A lot of people I've heard "trip" on it but I just had some drunkeness for the most part. It's pretty relaxing. Going into it the clerk was ill-informed so I thought I was getting ketamine but nope. So that sucked because that's super strong. Getting Auvelity was super hard for me, but not for others. It's very expensive but I use amazon to get and use it with bupropion. Haven't done it long enough to know it's effects. Auvelity might be too strong for me because my DIY version I have to take it like 4x a day instead of 2 so I don't feel too drunk or have bad double-vision. So maybe for the best. I was nervous af even though I did my research for Spravato, it's nothing to be scared of. The sessions varied for me a lot, but I think it's because I didn't get a "fair shot" at it. It's a spray btw if I haven't already said. You shoot 3 of them every 5 min. I suck at inhalers, smoking, squirting things in my nose, and I still swim with a hand closing my nose... but I figured it out quickly. Ketamine as far as I know if paid out of pocket :/ Good luck.

I'm so sorry you are in a similar boat. I have done 3 courses of ECT, 12 sessions each, so 36 total. It is proven to be a much more effective treatment than medications or TMS. However, the catch is that most people relapse from it within 6 months, and you have to keep going back to get another course done. It's hard on both the body and mind, and by the 3rd course, I was having panic attacks every time they wheeled me into the treatment room. But I would still encourage people to give it a try as a last resort. If they are the resilient type and don't mind having to go back for treatment every 6 months, it could be very helpful.


Sorry for your loss. I imagine the only thing worse than never having something, is to have had it at one point and then lost it. Your theory reminds me of the short story The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, where the happiness of many is dependent on the constant suffering of a few. It's as good a theory as any. As you said, we will never really know.


Yes, exactly. I understand the urge people have to tell a very young person that it will get better, since they haven't really lived much of life yet. But for older people, it feels like a delusional claim to make. The hope tank has to start running low at some point. I hope you find peace as well.

Your posts are very informative; albeit very sad and unfortunate. Sucks as a person who truly wants to die to see people who want the chance to live, but feel they cant.
Your post reminded me of something I came across the other day about your brain, in other words, being "full-developed" because one the lobes has completed its growth. Yet we still allow people who can't drink to buy guns smh.
-'Merica

I'm so sorry you are in a similar boat. I have done 3 courses of ECT, 12 sessions each, so 36 total. It is proven to be a much more effective treatment than medications or TMS. However, the catch is that most people relapse from it within 6 months, and you have to keep going back to get another course done. It's hard on both the body and mind, and by the 3rd course, I was having panic attacks every time they wheeled me into the treatment room. But I would still encourage people to give it a try as a last resort. If they are the resilient type and don't mind having to go back for treatment every 6 months, it could be very helpful.


Sorry for your loss. I imagine the only thing worse than never having something, is to have had it at one point and then lost it. Your theory reminds me of the short story The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, where the happiness of many is dependent on the constant suffering of a few. It's as good a theory as any. As you said, we will never really know.


Yes, exactly. I understand the urge people have to tell a very young person that it will get better, since they haven't really lived much of life yet. But for older people, it feels like a delusional claim to make. The hope tank has to start running low at some point. I hope you find peace as well.

Your posts are very informative; albeit very sad and unfortunate. Sucks as a person who truly wants to die to see people who want the chance to live, but feel they cant.
Your post reminded me of something I came across the other day about your brain, in other words, being "full-developed" because one the lobes has completed its growth. Yet we still allow people who can't drink to buy guns smh.
-'Merica

Ironically enough, the potential memory loss was a draw for me. I was hoping I would have a lot of it happen, as nothing in my life is worth remembering. Sadly, did not have the slightest bit of memory loss even after 36 treatments at full strength. I imagine it's terrible for people who didn't want to lose memories, though.

I think the hardest part is knowing that there is no peaceful way. Everything requires that you have a certain amount of mental fortitude to go through with it and it's likely that it will take at least a few minutes to actually die, if not longer, which could be full of pain and panicking.

I have been on bupropion before, yes. Spravato and Ketamine has been recommended to me by providers but both require having someone to release you to/drive you home, and I don't have anyone. They also seem very time-consuming. From what I've seen from the clinics around here, you have to stay there for hours with each weekly/biweekly treatment, and it's ongoing instead of being limited to a few weeks like ECT. Did you have luck with any of these?

I can say this much for you: you're independent. I've had a few therapists say they're lives profession wise only came full circle in their forties, with getting a major degree and a complete career change.

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to me to read other people's stories here. I don't have any useful advice, but I wish you the best nonetheless.

 

[untothedepths]

I get this. My life's been nothing but hell and there is no way out. Im just in the world's slowest sinkhole. I buy time, I don't know what will happen next, but eventually I'll have a terrible, shitty, probably humiliating legacy.

 

[Linda]

So, it seems that there is not much chance of things improving if you carry on with life as you have been doing. I think that means you have three options.
(1) Carry on anyway. That's a "safe" choice, in the sense that you know what it will probably involve. There is even a chance that life might indeed get better. It does sometimes happen.
(2) Ctb in the near future. That would fix your problems, though it would also rule out any possibility of a better life in the future.
(3) Go for broke. Make a radical change in your life and see what happens. If you're lucky, you might finish up in a much better situation. The danger is that you might finish up in a much worse situation, and if that were to happen ctb might then be your only remaining option.
I don't know enough about your situation to know which of those would be best for you. You will have to figure that out for yourself.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I never know how to feel when people say I'm independent, resilient and things like that... I know it's meant to be a nice compliment, but I don't feel like sticking it out is really a positive thing. I feel like a punching bag that is worn out and full of tears but hasn't been thrown in the trash yet. Not like a strong independent girlboss who is sashaying through life's problems. But I do always appreciate kind words nonetheless.

So, it seems that there is not much chance of things improving if you carry on with life as you have been doing. I think that means you have three options.
(1) Carry on anyway. That's a "safe" choice, in the sense that you know what it will probably involve. There is even a chance that life might indeed get better. It does sometimes happen.
(2) Ctb in the near future. That would fix your problems, though it would also rule out any possibility of a better life in the future.
(3) Go for broke. Make a radical change in your life and see what happens. If you're lucky, you might finish up in a much better situation. The danger is that you might finish up in a much worse situation, and if that were to happen ctb might then be your only remaining option.
I don't know enough about your situation to know which of those would be best for you. You will have to figure that out for yourself.

You are painfully correct. I'm actually in the process of pursuing a couple radical changes, just to see if anything happens. I have little hope but hey, maybe. And if it stays the same... yeah, options to end things are always there.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I relate a lot to your story. I don't have any advice. Just wanted to say you're not alone in this (except for how you are).

 

[Linda]

I never know how to feel when people say I'm independent, resilient and things like that... I know it's meant to be a nice compliment, but I don't feel like sticking it out is really a positive thing. I feel like a punching bag that is worn out and full of tears but hasn't been thrown in the trash yet. Not like a strong independent girlboss who is sashaying through life's problems. But I do always appreciate kind words nonetheless.


You are painfully correct. I'm actually in the process of pursuing a couple radical changes, just to see if anything happens. I have little hope but hey, maybe. And if it stays the same... yeah, options to end things are always there.

Good luck.